Summary

The website content describes the author's personal journey towards embracing external support, symbolized by an encounter with a solar power salesman, and how it relates to their own internal struggles with self-worth and ancestral connections.

Abstract

The author recounts a recent experience where a solar power salesman named John visits their home and inadvertently offers to fix the broken concrete steps, paralleling the author's efforts to establish a stronger foundation in their life. This visit occurs while the author is making offerings to their ancestors in a space they've transformed into the "Temple of the Sun." The author reflects on their relationship with money, value, and the external validation of their self-worth, particularly in the context of their maternal grandmother's confidence and authority. The encounter serves as a reminder to remain open to support and to reconstruct their belief system on a more solid foundation of trust and self-support.

Opinions

The author views the solar power salesman's visit as a metaphor for the need to welcome external support and assistance.
There is an internal conflict regarding the external validation of self-worth, with a previous belief that success requires compromising one's true self.
The author is ambivalent about the trappings of wealth and success, as represented by their feelings towards their mother's silver mink fur coat.
The author seeks to embody the assertiveness of their maternal grandmother, especially in relation to financial matters.
There is a recognition that their current belief system is built on a shaky foundation and needs to be restructured to align with a sense of being supported by the world.
The author is beginning to trust in the support from the outside world while also supporting themselves, acknowledging that there is no separation between the two.

Solar Power

uniting the worlds of the seen and unseen

author’s own image. my mother and grandmother.

selling me solar

while offering to fix

the broken concrete steps

a new foundation

based on knowing the

world’s on my side

as i was making offerings to my ancestors in the temple of the sun (the previously unused dining room that i transformed into a living altar space.

author’s own image. my paternal grandparents and uncle.

i was giving rice milk to both sets of grandparents, my twin who didn’t fully incarnate, and my older brother who was aborted.)

i see a man struggling with the flimsy wire latch on the gate my father put around the garden (the latch i’ve been meaning to replace with something nicer).

i often hide when unsolicited people ring our doorbell.

but this time i opened the door. the man, john, asks me if we’ve ever considered solar power. (we have, and because we were in transition, thinking we’d sell the house soon, we never decided to go forward).

i told him the house didn’t belong to me but that i’d give my parents his card. as he’s walking away, he quotes some benefits, saying it’s a no-brainer. we’d save at least $82 a month.

then he notices the broken concrete steps on our front porch. the house was newly built not too long ago, but the steps fell apart last year. when my dad repaired it, he noticed the concrete had been mixed with a lot of sand- not sturdy.

he had fixed it, but i guess the foundation still wasn’t strong enough to hold it together, and it fell apart again last week.

John said if the steps weren’t fixed by the time he came back, he’d take care of that too! ha.

so i walk back into the house, realizing the ancestral room is called “temple of the sun.” solar power and generosity, giving back to the home.

i felt like it was a reminder to be open to support from the outside world.

――――――-

just before i’d noticed him, i’d been sitting in the chair for my maternal grandmother. i had always admired her for her confidence and inner authority.

she truly didn’t seem to care what anyone thought of her. she was prideful, hardworking, strong and vain.

i asked for her help, to embody more of her assertiveness, especially around money and value.

i’d recently realized i’d been blocking myself with the idea that the external world will never reflect my inner worth (“the only way i can ‘make it’ in the world is to be a false version of myself”).

a few days ago, i’d rediscovered my mother’s silver mink fur coat in the basement storage area.

i decided to put the coat around my grandmother’s chair. i don’t like the idea of animal fur, but my grandmother would have loved it. and it felt like the perfect outer symbol of success and prosperity- one i’d never associated myself with.

to me, the price of having a lot of money — seeing my parents work all the time and unable to spend much time with me as a child- was not worth it.

of course, i know there are other ways of being financially abundant, but deep inside, i guess i didn’t really believe this could be true for me.

these untenable beliefs,

the shaky foundation from which i engaged with the outside word-

is crumbling.

it is time to have a new relationship-

trusting that i am supported by the world

as i support myself.

there is no separation.