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Abstract

and we ate stale nachos with jalapenos and highly-processed cheese food product. We cheered and screamed. About halfway through the third period, with the Penguins down 3–2 to the Boston Bruins, my grandparents came to our seats to inform us it was time to leave. But, why? There’s still a chance! We could pull the goalie and tie the game! But no, we had to leave right now. They looked nervous.This was not how my first game was supposed to go, but there was a mysterious reason for leaving.As it turns out, my uncle had bought a giant soft pretzel and soaked it with yellow mustard. He sauntered merrily back to his seat and sat down for some freshly-baked, heavily-salted, mustard-drenched goodness. When he leaned to sit down, he proceeded to drop the pretzel into the hood of the giant, angry, drunk man in front of them — and he didn’t say anything. Instead of having a confrontation, the three of them just got up and left.It was a cold, blustery January night. We always imagined this guy leaving the arena and going to pull his hood up and getting slapped in the head by a giant, mustardy pretzel. He was probably thrilled to have a snack for the ride home.Oh, and the game? They pulled the goalie and lost 5–2.Soft dumps.Back to hockey for a minute. I’ve argued with people over the years about the tactic of pulling the goalie. I believe it’s unique in sports, though there may be other sports that employ such strategies. When down in a game, a team can elect to pull their goalie and replace him with an attacker. I even tried to look up some statistics, but they’re not clear. It seems like something that would be worth tracking, but I guess it hasn’t been.Regardless, pulling the goalie totally works, like, some of the time. According

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to my extensive <a href="https://galea.medium.com/when-to-pull-the-goalie-running-the-numbers-on-nhl-goalie-pulls-9fad2a6caceb">17 seconds of research</a> for this article, it has about a 16% success rate. Much like this article getting more than eleven views.Yes, obviously pulling the goalie is a gamble. By this statistic, 84% of the time, the team that pulls the goalie either doesn’t score or allows their opponent a clear empty-netter.But what about that nine-year-old kid who’s desperate for his team to tie the game before all is lost? What about the dying boy in the wheelchair who’s desperate for his team to score just one goal to send it to overtime for a chance to drink from Lord Stanley’s chalice?Pulling the goalie is like having sex without protection. Sure, you might have a lot of fun and get away with it, and it feels so bloody good. But when you don’t use protection the consequences can be disastrous. Congratulations — you have ruined your life. My wife pulled the goalie on me just before we got married. Several interesting months later, we needed a bigger boat.Speaking of disastrous, let’s talk about soft dumps.Not those kind of soft dumps you sick bastard. This is a hockey article, remember? A soft dump is when you shoot the puck up ice from your defensive zone, but not far enough as to trigger an icing call against you. Nobody cares about this, but I just wanted to see how many times I could say ‘soft dumps’ in an article.Soft dumps can also happen after you’ve had too many plates of arena nachos and $14 Labatts. I love a good double-entendre. In fact, that’s what I’d do if I had a million dollars — two entendres at the same time, man.Soft dumps.Welcome to The Press Box. I love you.</article></body>

Soft Dumps and Softer Pretzels

Five-minute major and a game misconduct

Photo by author. PPG Paints arena, 10–16–2021

Tonight we’re dropping the puck at center ice to discuss pulling the goalie, empty netters, and soft dumps.

I’m a huge sports fan. Born and raised in the Pittsburgh area, and I’m a fan of all sports. The spectacle. The stories. The pressure. What I don’t care for regarding sports is the culture of worship, but that’s another story in the ol’ draft folder.

I’ve been a hockey fan as long as I can remember. I was a young boy when the Penguins drafted Mario Lemieux 1st overall in 1984. (Coincidence, Suite 1984? Bit of a stretch, maybe.)

(Incidentally, since I started this draft, the Steelers chose Kenny Pickett in the- NFL draft. That will change the football landscape around here dramatically. People are having reactions. More to come on the local scene.)

Pittsburgh, PA, Circa 1986. The Civic Arena. My dad scored five tickets to a Penguins game — my first one. The Penguins had just drafted Mario Lemieux a couple years prior, and the team was improving dramatically. We went to the game with my grandparents and my dad’s older brother.

Our seats were split up, my dad and I sitting at center ice with a perfect view of the game, my grandparents and uncle sitting underneath one of the balconies on the end. In the old rink the view was so terrible that when play was at the far end you had to watch on a 19" TV mounted to the ceiling. Seriously.

The game was amazing and is much faster in person. My dad taught me the rules and we ate stale nachos with jalapenos and highly-processed cheese food product. We cheered and screamed. About halfway through the third period, with the Penguins down 3–2 to the Boston Bruins, my grandparents came to our seats to inform us it was time to leave. But, why? There’s still a chance! We could pull the goalie and tie the game! But no, we had to leave right now. They looked nervous.

This was not how my first game was supposed to go, but there was a mysterious reason for leaving.

As it turns out, my uncle had bought a giant soft pretzel and soaked it with yellow mustard. He sauntered merrily back to his seat and sat down for some freshly-baked, heavily-salted, mustard-drenched goodness. When he leaned to sit down, he proceeded to drop the pretzel into the hood of the giant, angry, drunk man in front of them — and he didn’t say anything. Instead of having a confrontation, the three of them just got up and left.

It was a cold, blustery January night. We always imagined this guy leaving the arena and going to pull his hood up and getting slapped in the head by a giant, mustardy pretzel. He was probably thrilled to have a snack for the ride home.

Oh, and the game? They pulled the goalie and lost 5–2.

Soft dumps.

Back to hockey for a minute. I’ve argued with people over the years about the tactic of pulling the goalie. I believe it’s unique in sports, though there may be other sports that employ such strategies. When down in a game, a team can elect to pull their goalie and replace him with an attacker. I even tried to look up some statistics, but they’re not clear. It seems like something that would be worth tracking, but I guess it hasn’t been.

Regardless, pulling the goalie totally works, like, some of the time. According to my extensive 17 seconds of research for this article, it has about a 16% success rate. Much like this article getting more than eleven views.

Yes, obviously pulling the goalie is a gamble. By this statistic, 84% of the time, the team that pulls the goalie either doesn’t score or allows their opponent a clear empty-netter.

But what about that nine-year-old kid who’s desperate for his team to tie the game before all is lost? What about the dying boy in the wheelchair who’s desperate for his team to score just one goal to send it to overtime for a chance to drink from Lord Stanley’s chalice?

Pulling the goalie is like having sex without protection. Sure, you might have a lot of fun and get away with it, and it feels so bloody good. But when you don’t use protection the consequences can be disastrous. Congratulations — you have ruined your life. My wife pulled the goalie on me just before we got married. Several interesting months later, we needed a bigger boat.

Speaking of disastrous, let’s talk about soft dumps.

Not those kind of soft dumps you sick bastard. This is a hockey article, remember? A soft dump is when you shoot the puck up ice from your defensive zone, but not far enough as to trigger an icing call against you. Nobody cares about this, but I just wanted to see how many times I could say ‘soft dumps’ in an article.

Soft dumps can also happen after you’ve had too many plates of arena nachos and $14 Labatts. I love a good double-entendre. In fact, that’s what I’d do if I had a million dollars — two entendres at the same time, man.

Soft dumps.

Welcome to The Press Box. I love you.