Social Anxiety Had Me Retreating Into My Castle

A Defended Castle

Something terrible could happen if I leave my home to attempt to socialize with other people. Even with friends I’ve known for decades, I fear too much interaction with them will eventually only lead to disaster. Too much time around other people means banishment from their presence. So it’s best just to stay away from other people, as much as possible.

It’s not a rational thought, I know. Nonetheless, while the Covid pandemic has continued to spread across the planet, it has forced so many of us into isolation. I feel more comforted than imprisoned by the walls of my house. They serve as an adequate enough castle, defending as both a psychological and physical barrier to the rejection that awaits outside.

Only a decade ago, I had a promising career as a social worker, a large group of friends, and a place in the world as a functional adult. Now I feel more like a warning of caution — an example of what happens when you fail at everything that matters both professionally and socially. I feel lost and no longer know where I belong.

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety disorder is characterized by severe anxiety surrounding being judged, humiliated, or otherwise viewed negatively by other people. The condition means people will often avoid social events and situations for fear of doing something that leads to embarrassment or rejection.

Physical symptoms manifest for me as heart palpitations, nausea, and muscle tension. Often my hands will start trembling, and my face will blush red, which with my pale ghostly complexion is very noticeable, creating further feelings of shame. If it’s really awful, I’ll experience a full-on panic attack and hyperventilate.

Psychological symptoms include intrusive negative repetitive thoughts as I replay interactions in my head, resulting in crippling levels of self-esteem. Having social anxiety means that my everyday interactions with other people can create significant stress. I become overwhelmed with self-consciousness. My greatest fear is being judged harshly by my friends.

I’ll Make It Awkward

Social interactions are extra challenging for me because I also have ADHD. ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder which is classified as a neurobehavioral disorder that affects the way the brain processes information and influences behavior. A key symptom of ADHD which makes socializing difficult is poor impulse control. I really do have a tendency to say or do stupid things which have constantly got me into trouble. So my concern about making a fool of myself in front of others is not completely unjustified. Studies have also shown that children with ADHD have substantially worse social skills compared to their neurotypical peers.

I always struggled to make friends. Most of my childhood was spent alone at lunchtime with a book, becoming lost in fantasy worlds with the fascinating character as my only company. It probably didn’t help that I always read trashy horror, science fiction, or video game magazines. It was the 90s, and nerd culture had yet to take off. So the other kids thought I was pretty strange and a complete weirdo. I became used to being excluded from parties and other social events. Even when I am accepted into a social situation, I can almost guarantee I’ll find a way to make it awkward.

A Suit of Armor

Despite my overall poor social skills, I made significant progress as I grew older. At age twenty, I met my best friend in our first year of university. We were both in the same English class and I hit it off with Alice from there. Alice is not her real name, but it seems fitting since to me it was as if she appeared right out of Wonderland. Alice is the extrovert full package, very funny and outgoing. And amazingly she embraced the painfully shy bookworm as her ally. She dragged my reluctant self straight to the local pub. Alice soon become my escort through many of our shared adventures.

Being with Alice was like wearing a suit of armor. Even if I was scorned by everyone else, her company protected and shielded my confidence. She stood by me during the dating trials as I would cry on her shoulder over my latest romantic blunder. When I eventually met and married my husband Zach, she was my bridesmaid. After the birth of my son, she became an unofficial aunt. There was always a space for me at her kitchen table where we spent countless hours drinking cider while sharing the intimate details of our lives.

Banishment

Sixteen years of unbroken friendship. Then we had a massive argument which smashed straight into my suit of armor. The reason for the fight is ultimately unimportant, but the fallout was huge. The friendship as it appeared was over. I was banished from her presence. Even though we repaired things slightly over a series of hastily written messages and fixed the worst of the damage, I was still left feeling destroyed.

The worst part of the breakdown was the timing. I was three months pregnant with my daughter. We had a close call shortly afterward when I thought we suffered a miscarriage. The scare happened at night and we had a long wait until the next morning when our doctor was able to confirm a heartbeat. Our daughter is a fighter and fought hard.

Her little laughter brings me such unspeakable joy. The thoughts of what we could have lost often keep me awake at night. Alice would be horrified if she knew, but I never told her. I don’t want her to experience any guilt and I honestly don’t assign her any blame, it was just bad timing. However, during our fight, she accused me of unfairly using my pregnancy to avoid the conflict. It was unfair and often plays on repeat in my mind.

Becoming My Own Knight

Alice will always remain an essential part of my past, and I hope my future, but I no longer need Alice as an escort through my adventures in life. Instead, it’s time to forge my own path. After seeking refuge in my home surrounded only by my immediate family, venturing out only out of necessity, the year of isolation has allowed time for quiet reflection.

I am ready to slowly, but still, cautiously step back into the light outside my castle walls. My son has his seventh birthday planned for next month. I am beyond terrified to interact with the other parents. They will probably think I am a bit of a weirdo. That’s not important, however, as my children love my crazy antics. They are my future.

For them, I will become my own knight. Conquering and slaying all my mental health demons. Regaining control over my own headspace, so I can go outside these walls. I need to be strong, so I can assist my children through their battles. They will not walk alone, my place until my last breath is forever by their side where I belong.

Thank you for reading.