Social Anxiety and Introversion

Do they go hand in hand?

Do you ever make plans weeks in advance and then when the day comes, you don’t want to go?

I was supposed to go to a party this past weekend. I RSVP’ed two weeks ago and was excited about it, actually excited. A few of my friends that were going to be there know that I no longer drink.

It’s a thousand times more comfortable for me if I don’t have to explain myself.

I was always the raging extrovert at parties. It was all an act fueled by booze. I was the life of the party from that first sip.

That changed when I decided to put down the drink.

I really am an introvert at heart. I do enjoy social interactions in the right setting. Lunches, hiking, with my friends at yoga, and small dinners that aren’t too late.

But even after those small doses of interaction, I need my time alone to recharge. I am only like this when I am sober.

This is the real me.

So when it came time that the party was nearing, I started to panic a little more and more each day.

I play the scenarios in my head.

Who will I talk to?

How am I going to ask for or get a non-alcoholic drink without anyone noticing?

Why am I even thinking this? The last time I was out with everyone drinking it was fine! I didn’t even care.

And finally, already plotting how I am going to leave early so I can come home to my sweatpants and trashy television.

This is the social anxiety that sneaks in. Everything feels heavy, like a weight on my chest, making it hard to breathe. Nervous and full of fear, I even dread calling or sending a text to cancel the plans.

All of a sudden, I don’t want to go to the party. It’s the night before and I am completely dreading it.

But, I know my husband wants to go, so I will suck it up for him. For me, too. I am sure it will be fun and I can always leave early.

Are social anxiety and introversion connected? Social anxiety seems to be more common in people that are introverted.

Even though sometimes they pose as the same thing, they are different.

Introversion is all about social energy. It’s a personality trait. Introverts get their energy from being alone or from within, while extroverts gain energy from being around others.

Although knowing that, I believe it can make one have more social anxiety. But, social anxiety doesn’t stem from being an introvert.

Social anxiety is a mental health condition. It’s not a form of introversion. It’s an intense fear of being judged.

Although, I know that I must have both because I worry about an event leading up to it, often making it hard to attend.

It’s very common for the quiet introvert to battle a little social anxiety, because of how they view large groups of people.

When I am at an event, after a few hours, my energy is depleted and I really want to make my exit. Heading home to the comfort of my space is me finding relief from the situation.

So basically I am anxious before going to places with a lot of people and drained after. It’s no wonder that when the date gets closer for me to attend something, I begin to pull away and find a way to stay home.

The night before the party, my husband and I get into an argument about something completely unrelated. We love to have a little tiff and then not talk to each other for a day.

What a healthy relationship, right?

Saturday morning, we are still annoyed with each other and he states that he no longer wants to go to the party.

This is my out! There is no way in hell that I am going to the party alone, even though I could.

I barely give that a second thought while figuring out what I am going to say to the host of the party. Not wanting to lie, I eventually just tell her the truth.

The half-truth. I figure that there are going to be 100 people there anyway so no one will miss us anyway.

But then, the guilt hits me. This is what always happens when I duck out of plans. I feel immediate relief that I don’t have to attend and yet so much guilt.

I think feeling guilty is completely normal when you cancel plans. We worry about what others are going to think. The guilt comes from a place in us that actually yearns for that social connection so when I cancel, it doesn’t mean that I never want social interaction with that person in the future.

That’s why I won’t make up a big lie.

I tell my friend that hubby and I are not in a good place that night and leave it at that. The couple throwing the party has been together longer than we have and we are approaching 20 years of marriage.

So, not that it is a good enough reason to cancel, but I hope that she understands.

Honestly, if my husband still wanted to go, I would have sucked it up and gone to the party, with a good chance that I would leave early.

I think the more I keep forcing myself to attend things that make me nervous, the easier it will be. As I am approaching 2 years without alcohol, I can already feel that it does get a little easier with each “drinking event” that I attend.

Just because I am more introverted now, doesn’t mean that I can’t channel that previous extrovert when the time comes for the next event, at least for an hour.

Social anxiety is something that we can work on, talk to someone about, and find ways to make social events easier to attend.

It takes work, along with anything else, and won’t change if nothing changes.

But, I have accepted that big parties are no longer my thing.

Can you relate?

Here are a few fun stories that I read this week.

One by Elder Taoist and his adventures in the neighborhood checking out all the Halloween decorations.

Leonard Tillerman makes me want to visit Newfoundland to see these gorgeous birds!

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Thanks for reading!

Much love, Michele