So, You’re A White Man Who Wants To Date A Black Woman in 2021

Wow. The confidence. I’m impressed, as always, by the swagger and general big dick energy of white men but especially one who wishes to date a black woman in 2021. I see you and I want to support you. I’m a black woman who’s been in a relationship with a white man for over 9 years and I’ve learned a lot about what works and what doesn’t in the area of romantic interracial relating.

I wrote an article in 2018 giving white men tips on how to date a black woman. But in light of all that’s been going on and all that is still going on I think it’s important to provide a 2021 update. First of all, make sure you go back and read that prior article because I don’t plan to duplicate what I wrote there. All that stuff still applies. This article is going to be very 2021 specific.

First of all, we gotta talk about racism and social unrest as it relates to the last couple years. My first piece of advice is ...

Assume Nothing

Do not assume anything about this black woman you wish to court. Don’t assume you know her stance or position on the police, the government, COVID, vaccination, mental health, weed, pork, healthcare, science, Lizzo. Like nothing. I have a lot of black female friends and family members and there’s very little we all agree on. Well, we pretty much all agree on the importance of lotion and not being ashy. And probably that Morris Chestnut is hot. And Idris Elba too. But other than that, assume nothing. Nothing will get you into hot water with a black woman faster than assuming you know her position on stuff without talking to her first. So you may think she feels the same way you do or that she is in agreement with the party line on whatever topic but she may not be. So do yourself a favor and assume you have no idea. Because if you’re just meeting her or this is a new topic, you probably don’t have any idea, right?

Listening is Sexy

So, in line with assume nothing is to listen to what she says. Just listen. Really listen. Don’t listen to debate or to refute, just listen to understand where she’s coming from. Guess how often a black woman in a room gets listened to by a white man? It’s not often my friend. Not often. I’ve been in a lot of rooms, courtrooms, greenrooms, ballrooms, mushrooms, wait, that’s not a room it’s a fungus. But, you get it — I don’t get listened to a lot. Hey, I’m not complaining, just stating facts. To be honest, it’s a strategic advantage to be the one who’s listening to what everyone else has to say because it helps me plan. I’m an Aries, so I’m always plotting. Anyway, my point is, if you are a white guy who actually listens to her, you will stand out in a good way. Being listened to is a major turn on for everyone honestly but especially to a person who doesn’t get listened to often. Like black women. And bonus, you’ll get to know her so you can see if she’s the gal for you.

Fun is foundational

So yes there is big stuff going on in the black community. A lot of stuff is moving and shifting. Black people are being beaten and murdered and mistreated and that shit is all over the news and it’s intense. But like, I need to have fun sometimes. I can’t be all about the beatings every minute of every day or why be alive? In other words, yes, be available to connect and talk about the world events when appropriate, but also, laughing is foundational. You wanna date this chick, so bring in some joy. Whatever that means to you and her, kayaking or open mics or drum circles, I don’t know. Yes, initially you probably need to show her that you’re not tone deaf to the world at large, but you should be a person who she can have fun with too.

Be Willing to Look at Yourself

You will likely see, discover, realize some stuff about yourself in your communications with her that you don’t like. Not just because you’re a white dude but because you’re human. I see shit about myself as a black woman dating a white guy all the time. You’ll most definitely see racial stuff about yourself. And you gotta be willing to look at it and examine it and heal it. Like maybe you’re racist or prejudiced or tone deaf. Ok. Not fun to discover but at least now you know. Because once you’re conscious of it you can heal it. Just don’t be surprised to find you’re not perfect.

Another thing: some people argue that you should fix all your racial stuff before getting into an interracial relationship. I’m more a proponent of letting the interracial relationship be the mode that allows for the healing to occur. Why wait until you’re perfect? That was a joke, because you’re never going to be perfect so you’ll be waiting forever. But also, even if you wait until you think you’re perfect: read all the books, taken the tests, diversified your media, you’re still going to discover new racial shit about yourself that you didn’t know about. So that’s my thing, why wait? Dive in.

Be Willing to Look at Your Friends & Family

One of the big things to come out of the past year is this idea of silence being a form of complicity and consent. You can’t bring this woman around your friends and family if they’re racist, prejudiced or tone deaf. That’s rude. And someone you know is one or all three of those things. I recommend investigating that nonsense before you invite her to a gathering of your peoples. But even if you do the proper reconnaissance, someone may still say something unexpectedly offensive. If that happens, you may have to have a conversation or call out someone you know and have cared about for years. It’s really important that your black woman knows that you are on her side and won’t tolerate any tomfoolery. No, it doesn’t have to end in a Tarantino blood bath but know that you may need to say some words, set some boundaries, raise an eyebrow or even a voice.

There May be Crying & Yelling

Over the past couple years I’ve done some crying and yelling regarding the stuff I’ve seen in the news. Again, assume nothing, this may not be the way the black woman you desire to court expresses herself. But it may happen. First of all, if she’s doing this in front of you or with you or to you, this is kinda great. It means she feels safe being vulnerable in your presence. Being an active ally means listening and letting her know that you’re sorry, that you have no idea what she’s going through but that you hate that she’s having this experience. And just being there. Just hold space for where she’s at.

I know being around a black woman who’s in her feelings may not be every white dude’s favorite place to be. It certainly isn’t my white dude’s favorite place to be. But, he’s hella good at it. He really is. And he’s not a trained therapist or spiritual guru. He’s just a regular white dude, a Chad. He just sits next to me on the couch and holds my hand, rubs my back and/or hands me a tissue afterwards — if I’m crying. Or he stands there and listens to me — if I’m yelling. Again, not every day is the equivalent of a televised congressional hearing or a very special episode of You’re Dating a Black Woman. But some days are. Be prepared and available for when those days happen.

You don’t have to be “political”

You don’t have to be a political expert or a news junky to date a black woman. You don’t have to suddenly be the kind of person who has C-Span playing in the background or has news alert set up on your phone. Yes of course, you do need to have a general idea of what’s going on in the world. But you don’t have to be ready to give a dissertation on racial bias or unrest at the drop of a hat. Just don’t be a total dumb dumb. There won’t necessarily be a pop quiz but maybe there will be a pop quiz. If your black woman is super into current events and seems to want that from you then maybe you will be quizzed and if you’re into that then that’s what your life will be. Sharpen those pencils Chad.

In conclusion, I believe that interracial relationships put the world on the fast track to racial healing. As such, because I’m in a successful relationship and I care about racial healing, I want to help where I can. Good luck out there.

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