Summary

The article provides humorous advice and satirical guidance on losing one's virginity, emphasizing preparation, finding a partner, and the act itself.

Abstract

The piece, titled "Virgin Humour: So, You Want to Lose Your Virginity?" on the undefined website, adopts a comedic tone to address the anxieties and misconceptions surrounding the loss of virginity. It suggests that, much like line dancing, having a partner is essential for the experience. The article humorously advises on physical preparation, such as shaving and practicing thrusts, and on the importance of self-confidence and chemistry when seeking a sexual partner, preferably in a bar setting. It also touches on the significance of communication and mutual attraction, likening the process to a dance. The article concludes with a series of YouTube video links as educational resources for sexual beginners, a reminder to practice safe sex, and a promotion for a newsletter and an AI service.

Opinions

The author treats the topic of virginity with humor and levity, suggesting that the societal weight attached to virginity is overblown.
Preparation for one's first sexual experience is important, but the article implies that it should not be taken too seriously, as evidenced by the tongue-in-cheek advice given.
The article pokes fun at the idea of being overly prepared, suggesting that one might need to seek professional help for personal grooming or practice sexual movements in public places.
It satirizes the notion that sexual prowess is akin to a performance, with the author implying that the reality of sex can be awkward and humorous, rather than the smooth, seamless experience often portrayed in media.
The author seems to advocate for a casual approach to finding a sexual partner, emphasizing the role of alcohol and shared interests, such as a preference for kitchen towels, as potential conversation starters.
There is an underlying message that sex should be enjoyable and not overly stressful, with the author using humor to alleviate the pressure that surrounds the topic of virginity.
The article takes a lighthearted jab at the need for educational resources, as it provides links to YouTube videos to learn about sex, while also acknowledging the importance of safe sex practices.
The promotion of a newsletter and an AI service at the end of the article suggests the author's endorsement of these products or services as valuable resources for readers interested in the topic.

Virgin Humour

So, You Want to Lose Your Virginity?

Just like line dancing you’re gonna need a partner!

**“You’ve got the hair, and I’m also a woman. You tell me where this is going, Karen. “**— Photo: Amy Hirschi on Unsplash

Virginity. It’s such a dirty word.

It causes more fear and anxiety than it should when we’re talking about the beautiful act of making sweet lovey love.

Are you sitting there thinking that you’ll never feel the warm embrace of another human to try some rumpy pumpy with?

Is the thought of sexual relations more intimidating than a large woman attacking you with a pair of handcuffs and a fluffy truncheon?

That’s what I thought.

By the time you’ve read this, you may have been laid up to 50 + times. No longer will you have to pretend to your friends that your new “lover” goes to a different school.

Ready to get ya thrust on? Let’s get started!

Take Care and Prepare!

**Prepare to crop your photo and take a picture of a bird instead** — Photo: Erin Cho on Unsplash

Let’s face it, you’re unlikely to be a James Bourne or a Jason Bond on your first time shaking your Martini. It’s still important to be as good as you possibly can at your first attempt.

Do this stuff, in this order.

Shave down below — If you’re struggling maybe contact your local tree surgeon/gardener and ask for advice. They can do callouts in extreme cases.
Find a nearby bench to practice your thrust on — you’re not ready for the bed yet — this is good as you can ask passers by for advice.
If you’re a non-thruster, go to the grocery store and to an aisle of your choosing. I personally like the World Foods section. Bend down to the bottom shelf and stay like that for like 3/4 minutes.
Get in the Zone — It’s nearly go time. Stand in your mirror and yell at yourself about your flaws as a human being until you’re feeling aroused.

“Fail to prepare, prepare to fail” — That boxer guy.

Raunchy Ramble

**“Okay babe, now do an impression of a horse”** — Photo: Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

The prep’s done, now you need to find a partner.

This ain’t no science lesson. You’ve gotta find it within yourself to create that chemistry.

The best place to meet a cuddle chum is at a bar. You’re gonna need a lot of alcohol for this one.

Drink until you can’t see straight and then try find an outline of someone vaguely attractive in your drunken state. Get chatting. You find out you like the same type of kitchen towel.

You’re now taking them home for some lovely romanticising.

How did this move so quickly?

The chat, my friend.

People in bars love other drunken idiots who can talk about kitchen towels and stand up straight. Let the lovey-dovey dancing commence!

Doing the Deed

**Beetle style, bitch! (Jesse Pinkman voice)** — Photo: Romi Yusardi on Unsplash

All the work, all the preparation, comes down to this moment. You can finally be able to tick “Had Sex” off your to-do list — along with “Seen a Boob/Male Reproductive Organ” and “Conversed with a Stranger.”

Your partner in waiting has gone to let their weird dog out, who keeps shagging your leg, and you now have a moment to compose yourself. Remember your training, young padawan.

Now they’re back! It is time.

Due to new Medium rules, I cannot divulge what will happen as things are taken to the next level. I cannot afford to get sued again. I don’t make enough off this bloody platform to afford that.

Therefore the following videos will describe the process most people like to call “Sex”.

Watch and learn, people. Watch and learn.

The Process of Sexy Sex For Beginners (Virgins)

Where’s your virginity? I dunno.

Maybe you just lost it, my friend! ❤

A Happy Ending

**“This is an amazing view! I wish we’d bought a room now!”** — Photo: Roberto Nickson on Unsplash

You’re now a top shagger! Congratulations!

Let’s hope that’s the first of many special cuddles that you have in your lifetime. It does get easier once you meet that very special person at the strip club who will change your life forever.

Happy pumping and please remember…

I forgot to mention anything about protection so make sure to wrap up anything important.

Toodle pip!

AR out ❤

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