Heavenly Humour
So, You Want to Go to Heaven?
Jesus Christ! It’s Jesus Christ!
We’re all good people, right?
We eat our vegetables, tell Mrs Baxter over the road that her hair looks lovely today, and try our best not to murder in cold blood. That must mean our gateway to a greater afterlife is confirmed.
THINK AGAIN!
Heaven is a notoriously tough place to end up. The entrance exams are a killer and the dress code can often be described as “over the top”.
But once you are in, oh my it is wonderful! Table service until 10pm on a weekday and 11pm on a weekend is my favourite perk.
“Adam, this all sounds awesome! But how in the name of Led Zepplin am I meant get there?”
Hold your horses you eager beaver who wants to die! We need to learn what Heaven actually is!
Do we have to?
Yes.
Why?
Cos it’s my article, bitch.
Heaven Who?!
Heaven is the number one destination for humans to go to when they get murdered or die of boredom from reading my articles. It’s the most exclusive afterlife resort you could possibly wish to go to when you take the old chop!
Why exactly is it so popular?
Not only does Heaven have fluffy clouds and famous dead people everywhere, there are also awesome offers up for grabs!
The Heaven deluxe package requires your credit card at the gates, but the perks include:
- Free dental care plan for 6 days
- Party bag that includes a toothbrush, a new issue of God Weekly Magazine, and a personalised bible with your face on it! Wow!
- An onion
- Free drink at the Heaven Bar
- One-on-one personal development chat with God
My oh my I can’t wait for my chat with God!
Afterlife Antics
There’s so much to enjoy once you’ve made it to Heaven — activities are never too far away!
Fancy an afternoon of water skiing with Jesus and the gang? Guess what?! Heaven’s bloody well got it!!
Feeling like a game of table tennis with the Queen of England? Maybe kicking back in the cigar room with David Bowie after a long day nude drawing with Elvis Presley?
Whatever tickles your fancy, Heaven has you covered!
Catholic Karaoke
If you thought Heaven couldn’t get any better, Fridays are karaoke night!
Heaven Hitz is the new scheme by Jesus and God to get dead people feeling better about themselves and socialising more with other dead people.
Let your hair down at the end of the week by belting out some Godly bangers that will have you praising the lord faster than a Nun on crack on Easter Sunday.
Here are the tracks you can choose from for Catholic Karaoke:
- Heaven Is A Place On Earth — Belinda Carlisle
- I Am A God — Kanye West
- Angels — Robbie Williams
- Like A Virgin — Madonna
- Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door — Every artist ever
- Hot Stuff — Donna Summer (This one’s just for fun)
God only likes these six songs so nothing else is allowed. Also, no songs that include “Hell” or “The Devil”. He gets really iffy about that.
The Final Prayer
There we have it gang, that is Heaven. Impressed? Slightly? Great stuff!
Save me a seat at the bar as I ponder what catholic anthem I’m going to impress the almighty god dude with.
I hope all you heavenly people enjoy and just remember:
If you don’t read this and clap you’re going to hell!
Thanks and God bless ❤
If you enjoyed that monstrosity there’s more where that came from!
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