So, You Want to Be a Writer?

Ah, the joys of being a writer…

Ah, welcome new writer. You are about to embark on a remarkable journey. It will take you places that you have never dreamed of before. Here is a look at some of the things you need to look forward to as a writer. Come closer young writer, and discover what you need to make gazillions!!!

You Must Enjoy Banging Your Head Against a Wall

To be a writer, you must enjoy banging your head against the wall. I stress that this is absolutely critical. You must be willing to take punishment after punishment after punishment. No one is going to like your writing at first. They will be critical! Perhaps if it gets better, some people might like your writing. Then again, they might not. You could write and write and write, and no one ends up liking it. You have to get used to banging your head against the wall as you try and try again.

It’s not all bad. There are times when you’ll be successful. You’ll actually have food on your table, and you’ll get to eat. This will be an exciting time for you. Cherish it as much as possible because the next day, you could be penniless and broken again. You must get used to the lumps on their head, which will grow and swell to unimaginable proportions. You must be a sucker for punishment, or you can’t be a writer.

You Must Want to Suck at Parties

If you want to be a writer, you have to be willing to suck at parties. Think of all the fun and interesting people you meet at a party. They tell you about their wonderful job and how much money they are making. Outside they have their Maserati, Ferrari, fancy pickup truck, and whatnot. They’re dressed to the nines at the party while you have rented your clothing just so you look important.

Picture yourself talking to individuals at this party and the things they will have to say about their fabulous job:

Them:

I performed open-heart surgery today!

I’m working on a cure for cancer!

I saved a baby from a burning building!

You:

I wrote about Payday loans and cleaning up cat barf!

Oh yes, your Mr. or Mrs. excitement at the party. Everyone wants to talk about you, and you’re amazing feats. Everyone wants to know about the 3000-word article you just wrote on how to clean your closet. You will have people falling at your feet, wanting to get to know you. As a writer, you have to be prepared for this. You will be one popular person, and everyone will want to know you…. or not.

You Like Wine and Puppies

To be a writer, you must like wine or at least some type of alcohol and small puppies or kittens. These will be your constant companions as you write. If you live with someone that is your significant other, be prepared for them to scream at you endlessly to get a real job. Your wine and puppies will be there for you always, so make the most of them. They won’t care about the bills that are piling up. I suggest red wine, but white is good as well. On some occasions, I have also resorted to whiskey or a good strong rum. Alcohol and writing seem to go hand-in-hand. Blotto could be your motto.

Food is Secondary

If you want to be a writer, you must be willing to put food secondary. The words starving writer have real meaning when you are writing. Get used to exciting foods such as ramen noodles, boxed macaroni, and whatever else you can scrape up at the local food bank because you will be going there often. Champagne and caviar won’t be on the menu, at least not for the time being. Perhaps one day, when the novel sells, you’ll be raking in the millions. Writing can be a good weight control. If you’re looking to lose weight, I suggest taking up writing.

You Like No Payments

If you’re going to be a writer, you must enjoy not making money. Imagine sitting there in your chair and writing 120.000 words. You have created your Magnus Opus. You have that novel sitting there in front of you, and now it’s time to publish it. You sit back and wait for the millions to roll in. No one is going to reject your wonderful novel.

You send it to multiple publishers, but no one picks it up. You grow increasingly frustrated with this process. You go online and decide to self publish it. Now the money is really going to come in. Everyone will see it and buy this wonderful piece of work. Your smile is the money starts to come in, and then it stops. Congratulations, you’ve made a grand total of $10 on your wonderful piece of work. It quickly drops off the charts, and no one sees it again. Of course, you may get extremely lucky, and it might sell thousands and thousands of copies…. or not. If you don’t want to make any money, I suggest writing. There is no better way to be poor than to be a writer.

But don’t Despair……

So you give up novel writing, and you pick up article writing. Now, this is a way to make a lot of money. You finally get a client and they want something that is sourced, heavily researched, perfect paragraphs and doesn’t have one grammar mistake. They want a total of 2000 words that is lightning perfect. You tell them that you can do this and you create the most spectacular article anyone has ever seen!! Of course, I want to pay you $20. just think of how many boxes of macaroni you can buy with that. You will be swimming in the stuff. Perhaps you can take yourself out for a burger and fries now that’s living!!!

Cheer Up!!!

Of course, writing isn’t all bad. It is something that I wouldn’t change for anything. It is a part of who I am, and I will always be right there. I don’t expect to make millions at this. In fact, I will probably be poor for the rest of my life. That is fine with me. I enjoy writing and the meager wages that it provides me. Perhaps one day, I will be more successful. I can’t be successful unless I keep writing. This is what I do every day, no matter what happens in my writing life. I am a sucker for punishment, but I have to be one.

I’m a writer.