So You Don’t Understand, or Sympathize for those struggling with, Suicide?

Let me see if I can help. A personal Journey Through the Bleak.

Suicide is, according to a quick google search, the 12th leading cause of death. Dr. Michael Greger mentions it in his book even, How Not to Die as a leading cause of death.

From a very young age, too young to truly even understand the concept of suicide — I didn’t know there was a term for what I was thinking about doing, I just wanted the pain to stop. I didn't understand at the time, or for decades afterwards, what was causing the pain in the first place. What child (at any age but I was under the age of 10) considers death the only way out from their unexplainable pain?!

I struggled and struggled with this. I don’t remember exactly when, how, or why it came up, perhaps health class or a motivational speaker had come and ‘performed’ for us, but it was high school anyway, that someone said most people who suffer from suicidal thoughts never tell anyone. That people suffer silently and oftentimes are people we wouldn’t suspect, and that if we needed help to please talk to someone… well, I tried but the person I went to was more obsessed with my sister than listening to me. I was the person no one would have ever suspected, and even I didn’t fully realize what I was feeling but I knew there was something wrong. I did also try to bring it up at home, but once again, no one had the time to really listen or care.

I only learned about the Suicide Prevention line a couple years ago from a random online streaming ‘commercial’ trying to raise awareness, likely because suicide was on the rise during the COVID Pandemic shutdowns.

So, for those who do not understand someone committing suicide because there is supposedly help everywhere, here is the first thing you need to learn:

• Not everyone knows that there is help available or where to go for it.
• Not everyone actually has the support you think they have regardless of if they have family and/or friends. Even if they do they still might feel alone, unable to ask for help, ashamed, or be shot down when when they do try, etc.. I hate to assume, but if you do not understand this, it is very likely that you do not feel these ways/things and haven’t struggled in this way, and thank the Lord for that, but we are not all so blessed.

So there is a very small portion of the puzzle and there is more to come, but first let me say that I do understand the challenge to understand and have compassion for those who have committed suicide. Even as someone who has struggled with these thoughts and feelings for nearly all of my life, I still feel hurt and angry and struggle to understand why and how you could do that to the people you love and who love you. Even as someone who scared-the-ever-living-shit out of my husband, I understand a person’s frustration and anger towards those who commit suicide and consider it weak or selfish or what-have-you, because it is the people left behind who have to suffer. It is the people left behind who have to go through the trauma and guilt and hard work afterwards… I get it, I really really do!

Buuuuuuuut, I also understand the other side of it too, and the person who ultimately loses that battle between life and death. I have been blessed enough to have one hell of a Guardian Angel always on my shoulder making sure I don’t drive my car into a tractor trailer, off a bridge or cliff, or whatever. I have been blessed enough to always be reminded that I didn’t/don’t actually crave death, I craved PEACE and Happiness, and that ALL I really ever wanted was for the pain to just STOP. Trouble was, I had to recognize where the pain was actually coming from, and that’s not something everyone can figure out or focus on long enough not to pull the trigger, take the noose off before stepping off that chair, put the cap back on the pill bottle, or not take that nosedive off a building or cliffside…

It’s easy to judge, it’s harder to understand and have not just sympathy or even empathy, but COMPASSION.

I have spoken to people and read articles with harsh words around suicide, and like I said, I really do get it and have even felt those same/similar thoughts and feelings myself AS SOMEONE WHO STRUGGLES w/ Suicide!, buuuuuuut then on the other side of their faces or mouths these same people (and I myhself) speak of kindness and forgiveness … interesting, very interesting… We are, after all, only human, but don’t forget… so too were the people who have taken their lives.

I find that many of us are more able to have compassion when we better understand something, really place ourselves into another person’s experience — not just their shoes because that doesn’t always help people because they are still just themselves pretending(ish) to be ‘in’ someone else’s shoes and you have to do more than that, you have to truly place yourself into the other person’s experience, like method acting — or have those similar experiences ourselves, or have experienced something through the lens of being close to someone else going through it that we happen to truly care about.

If you haven’t experienced coming so close to that moment that you nearly, or actually, lose site of everything, including yourself, then you cannot possibly understand that this person ISN’T thinking clearly enough to realize the ripple effect that will happen from fulfilling their actions — all that individual can feel is how much they hurt and how badly they want that pain to just STOP.

Another thing that most people just cannot fathom, is that even if this person is thinking of their loved ones, they are likely thinking about how much better off these people are without them, wondering how much any of them really even care, also feeling (on top of everything they are already feeling) deep immense crippling guilt for feeling this way, for having these thoughts, for putting their loved ones through pain, for …………. Seriously, I could write a book just on what is going through someone’s heart and mind in THIS FUCKING MOMENT and it is fucking PAINFUL as all Hell!

It’s emotional overwhelm (or perhaps underwhelm for some). Think about something that possibly bothers you, that weird tingling prickly feeling from nerve irritation or your leg falling asleep, nails on a chalk board, really annoying painful to the ear kind of noises … now imagine that exponentially intensified not only in the ‘normal’ sense (louder, harder, longer, etc.) but everywhere, expanding over more and more of you like a thousand needles entering your skin, brain, emotions, ears, etc., and with an insane intensity that makes it hard to focus on any one thing because it is impossible. You are suffocating in emotions of overwhelm and you cannot see the Staples ‘easy’ button or off button or whatever button … all you see is a way to end it — likely you don’t even fully understand that it is forever…

Lastly and briefly, at least for this article, is not only the emotional and mental health, but the actual PHYSICAL health of the brain & body.

If someone isn’t getting the right nutrients to turn receptors and/or genes on/off, they might be more prone to suicidal thoughts — this can be for genetic reasons as well as nutritional ones.

Don’t believe me, look it up — it should be pretty easy to find, but if not check out NutritionFacts.org Dr. Michael Greger. Check-out a podcast I actually just listed to the other day, Ancient Health Podcast by Dr Josh Axe: Episode 156, Your Genetics: How they affect your emotions, anxiety, depression, and Immune Health, and lots and lots and LOTS of other sources.

For instance, I started taking Iron recently and have been for about 6 weeks now and I totally feel a difference in how I feel not just physically but mentally and emotionally! Ironically, I juuuuust listened to a podcast with my husband yesterday, featuring Kristen Bell as the guest, called HypochondriActor with Sean Hayes and Dr. Wali: Depression, Anxiety and a side of Eczema, which mentioned genetics, nutritional, and additional factors to depression (which often leads to suicide) including IRON — whoot whoooooot! As well as Saffron which I wrote about in my article: A ‘Better’ use for your Saffron?

Additionally, having learned about Pyrrole, which I mention in Being Reminded of my Fragility, many people who suffer from this are higher risk (GENETICALLY, oftentimes due to missing cofactors — which help with absorption, like Vitamin C increases the absorption of Iron — and neurotransmitters not functioning properly — typically from malabsorption, diet, etc. — etc. ) for depression, anxiety, suicide…

Sooooo there are a LOT of factors that can be possible, in life in general as well as, for those suffering from and potentially loosing their battle with depression.

***Side note here, let’s also not forget Trauma and how that changes the brain as I have also mentioned in previous articles… ***

I will never forget Junior or perhaps Senior year, arriving at school to chaos after a classmate, who I knew but not well and in my graduating class, committed suicide by running his car into the side of our high school.

I will never forget attending the funeral of a younger classmate and friend of my husband who was also the son of a family he was quite close to, committed suicide, and how angry he was at for people saying things about how those who commit this sin will not be welcomed into the kingdom of heaven — such fucking bullshit btw but even if it isn’t come the fuck on, that’s what your going to be talking about?!

I will never forget the son of a family friend who in only MIDDLE SCHOOL committed suicide because of bullying. He was the cutest little boy and his funeral was devastating!

Although it hasn’t been long, I doubt I will ever forget the moment while on vacation I just happened to get on Facebook for another client, to see news that one of my client’s had committed suicide. He was the family member of three of my other regular clients. It was completely shocking, jolting, and beyond startling as it was NOT at all what I expected to be reading (at all let alone) first thing in the morning bright and early.

I certainly will never forget the moments that I came closest to taking my own life, nor the devastation I nearly caused the person who actually matters more than anything in this world to me in this life.

If there is anything you take away from this, please let it be that people are hurting and rather than condemn them, let us wrap our arms and hearts around them. Life is hard enough no matter how mentally healthy, stable, or resilient you may or may not be.

You can feel however you feel about it, and it can even be contradicting — Lord knows I have many feelings at the same time about all kinds of things — but, try to hold people, even those who have successfully taken their lives, with as much compassion ass you can or are able — it’s good for you too, at least I think it is … who knows for sure lol perhaps science and ancient wisdom.

If you are struggling, please find help. Look into nutrition and not just drugs (recreational or perscription). Go to therapy, go to AA and use their twelve-step-program, listen to podcasts and books that could help you. Do whatever you have to do to feel happy and normal because not only do YOU deserve that, but so do the people YOU CARE and WORRY ABOUT and who love and worry about YOU.

I love you, I care about you, I worry about YOU. Please, pretty please, don’t stop Fighting for YOURSELF!

All the Love and Hugs in the World ❤ ❤ ❤

❤ With all the Love, Grace, and hopes for a Better, Brighter, Happier and Healthier tomorrow, as well as to Your Health & Wellness, Happiness, and Well-being. ❤

With Love, Light, Prayers and Blessings ❤ Your Idealistic HolisticNerd ~ ❤ Mind ❤ Body ❤Spirit/Soul ❤ ~

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