Relationships
So… You Believe You Can Divorce Me and Move a Younger Woman Into MY Home. Are You Stupid?
Think again
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
I don’t know if it was the pandemic that caused the splits, but something weird happened to two older couple’s relationships in the last six months.
Why are seventy-year-old men running off with fifty-year-old women? These are marriages that survived for decades. In both cases, the cheating husbands asked their wives to move out so the new loves can move in.
Really?
My poor husband was subjected to my thoughts on this subject last night at three a.m. Thinking about becoming homeless makes me anxious.
I’m tangled up with my husband and the sheets; I can't sleep.
I reached over and pushed him, “Hun, you woke?”
Without moving a muscle, he said, “No.”
I tap him again.
We are in lockdown. Neither of us has been farther apart than the distance from the front door to the mailbox for seven weeks. I see him every day, all day but this cannot wait until tomorrow. I am fuming.
“ Babe,” I said. “What do you think about John and Mary?”
As always, his first question was, “ What time is it?” missing the question I asked him.
“It’s three a.m.” I responded. “What do you think about John and Mary? And Sarah and Doug?”
He was clueless. “Who are they?”
“I told you about them. We had coffee with John and Mary. Sarah and Doug shared lunch with us at the museum. They all came to our watch party. We shared an Uber. Do you remember them now? “
“No,” he said. “We meet a lot of people; you talk to anybody.”
Good try. This tangent will not distract me.
“We talked about this yesterday. Both men want their wives to move out so they can move younger women in,” I said. “What do you think about that?”
He responded blearily, “You always said if you were dead, you don’t care what I do.”
I blink my eyes a few times. What?
“Mary and Sarah are not dead.”
My husband, sensing danger, gets up and heads to the master bath to make a tinkle.
I suspect that he was not listening when I told him about John and Mary and Sarah and Doug the first time.
He walks back into the room and says. “Everyone deserves to be happy.”
What does that mean?
I launch into him. “You would expect me to move out of our house if you cheated on me with a younger woman? You would have another woman sleep in our bed, eat off my dishes, wash in my washing machine, use my hairdryer while I’m still alive,” I say.
He attempts to calm me down. “I’m certain that if I cheated with a younger woman, I would not ask you to leave without giving you your things, he says. “She would want fresh stuff instead of your worn things. You know, as folks from the UK would say, the new bird would want her own kit.”
“I am not leaving our house. You cannot buy me out. You would be the one who left and then I would get another man, a much younger man, who would use your tools, trim your hedges, water your grass, clean your car, and play with your cat,” I yell.
I don’t want to hear that.
“I am not leaving our house. You cannot buy me out. You would be the one who left and then I would get another man, a much younger man, who would use your tools, trim your hedges, water your grass, clean your car, and play with your cat,” I yell.
My husband looks around. I bewilder him. He stares at me in my fighting stance, sitting rigidly on the bed. He speaks.
“I don’t have a younger woman. I’m not cheating on you. If I did, I would leave, and you would stay. Why do you ask? I don’t want to wake up in a burning house. I would live in a small old folk bachelor apartment with my immature love. We would sit on milk crates, listen to loud music, and eat avocado toast. I would miss my loving wife, who takes care of me and makes me delicious steak and potatoes for breakfast. I would pine for the wonderful life I had given up. Realizing my horrific mistake, I would be on my knees on the front porch begging for you to take me back the same day that I left.”
He says this seriously, with a deadpan face. He looks at me and gives me his best sad puppy face. He bats his eyes a few times, winks, starts laughing.
I watch for a moment, then I join him. Mission accomplished.
He knows leaving me would not be an easy task. And I am not going anywhere.
I’m happy. I lay down with my spouse, snuggle up, and head to sleep.
Toni Crowe retired as the Vice President of Operations to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books, two of which won the 2019 Reader’s Choice Gold Awards. Her bestselling business book, “Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends: How Do You Manage A Man Sitting With His Dick in His Hand?” was one of the winners. Her first book, “Never a $7 Whore” was the other.
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