So Then Mike Johnson Says: “Hold My Beer”

Hey GOP, are you okay? Need some help? You alright?

I think somebody needs to call the cops to go do a “welfare check” on the Republican Party. I think they’ve fallen and can’t get up.

I was all set to sit down and write about the various crises the RNC faces around the country (scandals, indictments, empty bank accounts, and what the bleep is going on in Nevada?) but then there was breaking news, and Speaker Mike Johnson jumped to the head of the line.

So let’s begin with a welfare check on Mike. He not only fell, he did a full faceplant tonight.

First, let’s set the scene leading up to it. Stay with me as I talk a little policy stuff and this thing called “political strategy.” (Look it up, Mikey.)

So, there is a legislative proposal out there on the border crisis that would grant Republicans most of their wildest dreams as far as being “tough” on immigrants, “tough” on the border, mandating shutting down the border, curtailing opportunities for asylum seekers to even get a chance at asylum, more money for border patrol agents and security, etc. Oh, and it also does not include those things Democrats always insist on in immigration bills like “a pathway to citizenship” or something for “dreamers.”

If you Republicans passed this puppy, and Biden signed it (as he has promised he would have), then, GOP, you could watch support for Biden slip even further among the far left of his party. Biden can’t afford to lose much more support from them as he is on very thin ice as it is with the whole Gaza situation.

So, Mikey, Speaker of the House, here is this gift staring you in the face: Legislation that has what Republicans want on the border plus it is something that will be a liability for Biden with elements in the Democratic Party who will be damn mad at Biden for agreeing to it.

What do you do, Mikey? Take the win? Spike the ball in the endzone for not only scoring a tough border law (which your fellow GOP members could run on for reelection) but also strategically tripping up Biden and his reelection chances?

Well, first you have to consult with The Man, of course.

Doesn’t it look like Mike is sucking in his gut way too hard in that photo? Either that or he has man boobs…

Oh sorry, that was rude of me. Ahem. But I’m distracted… look at him!

Okay, so, Mikey is back from consulting the actual Speaker of the House Donald Trump, so the speaker pro tempore Mike Johnson declares the border proposal is “worse than expected!” It is, he says, dead.

Okay, Mikey. Whatever you say.

So, since you aren’t interested in a border bill, what does strike your fancy? Er, I mean, what strikes the fancy of Trump and his toadies?

Ah, an impeachment of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas.

Mikey says to himself: I’ve got a Republican majority in the House so let’s vote!

Ummm, Mikey, do they teach lawyers to count? Or is math optional at law school?

Tonight, Mike Johnson, after turning down the strongest, toughest, meanest border legislation to ever be proposed, then says, “Hold my beer.”

He brings the impeachment vote to the floor…

And it failed! The vote was 214 yes, 216 no. Four Republicans said “Nuh-uh.”

Hey, Mikey, here is a hint on how to do your job: Count the votes first.

Nevada, where the casino always wins

In Nevada, especially in Las Vegas casinos, lots of people fall and can’t get up, so to speak. Sadly, though, what happens in Vegas doesn’t remain in Vegas, as this state can be a swing state in national elections.

You are forgiven if you didn’t notice today (February 6) was primary day in Nevada.

You should have been paying attention because this is hilarious.

You see, today was the official GOP primary, and Nikki Haley was on the ballot and not Trump. Why? Because even though it is a primary election, it will not choose the Republican nominee.

On February 8, the GOP will have a caucus to choose their nominee, and Trump is on that ballot but not Nikki Haley. The RNC says all the delegates go to the caucus winner.

Just out of curiosity, what does the primary election winner Nikki Haley get, then? A blue participation ribbon?

With casinos, the house always wins. With the GOP, Trump always wins. They openly rigged it that way in Nevada.

What is hilarious is I was watching the news and seeing interviews with eager MAGA voters who were wondering why in the hell Trump isn’t on the ballot and why they can’t vote for Trump!

Sometimes reality is funnier than fiction. Somebody needs to explain to those “the election was rigged!” MAGAites that their primary election this year was rigged.

Oh, by the way, the dude running the caucus, Nevada state GOP Chairman Michael McDonald, is under felony indictment for having claimed to be an elector from Nevada when he wasn’t as part of that whole conspiracy to steal the 2020 election thing.

Ya just gotta love Nevada, right? Just don’t bet against the casino because (shhh, this is a secret) the house always wins.

GOP chairwomen and chairmen… not exactly the best and the brightest

Next in our “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” review of the GOP, we have the party chairs. Seems like some of ’em are having the chair pulled out from under them when they go to sit down. Oops.

First, there is the national RNC chairwoman, Ronna “Don’t-Call-Me-Romney” McDaniel.

Word on the grapevine is that Dear Leader Trump is twisting her arm to get her to resign. So, by the time I publish this, she might already be history.

Considering her phenomenal record of presiding over Republicans losing — and losing badly — she probably should step down. The RNC began the year with $8 million in cash. In contrast, the DNC began the year with $21 million in cash. Gee, I wonder why?

If she were smart, she would have already been long gone. Follow your Uncle Mitt Romney’s lead and get out while you can.

Next, we have the chair of the Michigan GOP. Except we don’t know exactly who that is. Seriously, we don’t.

It was Kristina Karamo (mega MAGA Trumper), but then she was voted out of the job and replaced by Peter Hoekstra (more sedate and noticeably whiter Trumper). Karamo says the vote ousting her was illegitimate and she is still the chair. Gee, an election denier says a vote was illegitimate. Who saw that coming?

Karamo’s party allies call Peter “Hoaxtra.” Hilarious stuff when MAGAites eat their own.

Speaking of which, then there is Arizona. The chair there was a dude named Jeff DeWitt. He is now out. He resigned:

…after a leaked audio recording revealed him offering a job to U.S. Senate candidate Kari Lake and asking her to name a price that would keep her out of the 2024 election cycle.

Ummm, you know, trying to follow and figure out what is going on in Arizona Republican circles reminds me of when as a kid I tried to watch some episodes of a daytime soap opera back in the day — General Hospital of Luke and Laura fame — and realized that you cannot just jump in there and know what the hell is going on, who is dating who, who hates who and why, and who is having who’s baby.

Too confusing! Just like Arizona.

So, I’ll just leave Arizona alone. If anyone wants to explain it all to me… don’t bother. I don’t want to know.

Finally, of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Florida Republican Party chairman Christian Ziegler, booted out over a sex scandal.

Soap opera, right?

I feel like I’m just beginning to list all the GOP personnel problems. I’m sure there must be still more drama, chaos, intrigue, and faceplants out there from Republicans all across the country that I haven’t heard about.

The GOP needs someone to do a “welfare check” on them, maybe help them up off the floor.

Or as Nikki Haley said on the SNL sketch with sincere concern: “Are you doing okay, Donald?”

Nope, he is not. The GOP is not.

Good thing for us, right? So, never mind the welfare check. Let them lay on the floor for a while.

Yeah, Mickey, I’ll hold your beer. You go right ahead…