Satire
So I’ve Been in a Coma Since 2016
Stop jacking with me and tell me what really happened
My eyes pop open. I’m lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all kinds of equipment. What has happened?
The last thing I remember is laughing uproariously when I saw Donald Trump announce he was running for president.
That was hilarious. I laughed so hard, in fact, that I fell off my chair and hit my head. After that, it’s all a blank until now.
A nurse comes running in. “Oh, you’re awake!”
“What day is it?” I ask her. “I don’t want to miss my friend’s wedding this weekend.”
“It’s June 23, 2022,” she says.
“You mean 2016,” I say.
She takes my hand. “You’ve been in a coma since June 16, 2016. Quite a few things have happened since then. It’s going to take you a while to catch up.”
“What kinds of things?”
That’s when the nurse started messing with me. “Well, we’re in a pandemic that’s killed millions of people around the world. We gave you a vaccine for it, and we hope you aren’t angry.”
I decide to play along. “A pandemic? Millions of deaths? Of course I would want the vaccine. What kind of nut would say no to that?”
The nurse bites her lip. “A lot of Republicans refused to get the vaccine. They were afraid Bill Gates might have put microchips in it.”
Clearly this nurse is insane. I have many Republican friends, and none of them are that stupid. I’ll look into this later. “Hand me my phone,” I request.
“I’m not sure that will work for you. It looks to be an iPhone 5.”
“It works fine,” I say. “I’ll probably get a 6 pretty soon, but the 5 is fine for now.”
“They’re selling the 13 now.”
“Whatever. Could you please turn on the news?”
“Yes, but before I do, I should warn you — there’s a terrible war going on.”
“In Afghanistan. Yes, I remember.”
“No, we left Afghanistan. We’ve got a land war in Europe.”
“WHAT?”
“Yes, Russia invaded Ukraine. The U.S. and the rest of NATO is supplying aid. It’s pretty awful.”
You’d think if she wanted to mess with me, she could have come up with something more believable than a Russian invasion. “What else has changed?”
“Hold on, this will take a while. Well, first of all, Donald Trump won the election.”
“That isn’t funny,” I snap. “That’s what landed me in this hospital in the first place.”
“I’m sorry, but he did. And he made friends with Putin and Kim Jong-un but pissed off the leaders of our allies. He was impeached twice. Then he ran again and lost to Joe Biden so he tried to overthrow the government. His minions rioted and broke into the Capitol.”
It isn’t nice of her to mess with someone who’s been in a coma for a few days. But I decide to let her go on. I’m definitely going to report this to her superiors once I’m out.
“That’s a little hard to believe.”
“Oh, I’m leaving out a lot, believe me. So this new pandemic called Covid-19 spread around the world, and Trump’s supporters denied it was a big deal. They wouldn’t wear masks or get a shot because they said that would infringe on their freedom. The hospitals were so overwhelmed that people were dying not just from Covid but from other things because they couldn’t get care. Kids stayed home from school for a year and everybody who could work from home did. But the Trump supporters continued to deny that Covid was dangerous.”
“Is it still going on?”
“Oh, yes. It’s still going on, but nobody cares anymore. They’re too worried about other things. Inflation is at a 40-year high. The stores are out of things a lot. Parents can’t find formula. Businesses can’t find anybody to hire. A lot of places have cut their hours because they can’t hire help. A lot of people want to keep working from home to save on gas because it’s about $5.25 a gallon now.”
That’s clearly bull. “Oh really?”
“Yes, during the pandemic, with everyone staying at home, gas got so cheap that a lot of producers capped wells. Now, demand is high again, and we don’t want to buy oil from Russia, so that’s why gas is so expensive. But the Republicans think President Biden is doing it on purpose, so now they want Trump to run again.”
Nothing this woman has said sounds possible, let alone probable. After she leaves, I turn on the TV. The main stories are about the war in Ukraine, some investigations of Trump and about the current level of Covid deaths.
Ye gods! It’s all true. I watch a few minutes more. Things have gone to hell in a handbasket.
There’s only one thing to do. I pick up my little iPhone 5 and bash myself in the head as hard as I can. As I lose consciousness, I hope to wake up to a sane world next time.
About Michelle Teheux
I’m a freelance copywriter from central Illinois. Find me on Twitter or LinkedIn.