So, I Came Out Of The Closet…

After embracing an identity that didn’t belong to me for 22 years, I finally found the courage to come out of the closet. This is a story of bravery, strength, and love. Come along with me so that I share how, why, and when I decided to start living my truth.

High School

When I was in high school, I fell in love with the world of language learning. I learned English as a second language, and Spanish as a third. During the third year of high school, I was attending the best Logistics Technical School, but I didn’t want to work as a logistics technician. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a teacher, a translator, and an interpreter. Those were my biggest dreams. Being able to work with languages was my biggest passion. I knew that by working with languages, I’d have more chances to meet people from all over the world, travel, and make good money. So that’s what I did: I became a teacher 6 months after I graduated from high school.

2014

Teaching English as a second language was so much fun. I worked as a private ESL Teacher, and I also got to teach at this small language school. I learned so much during my first year there. I grew personally and professionally in a way I find hard to put into words. The language school was a place where I felt safe and a place where I could be myself one hundred percent of the time. I wasn’t out of the closet yet, but everybody assumed I was gay because of my personality. Between August and December of 2014, I started to search for international exchange programs. I found out about summer camp. It was great because it was easy to apply, and it wasn’t going to last for too long, or too short. It was perfect for me. I still had my job at this language school, and I didn’t want to leave it permanently yet. I was also getting to work as an interpreter at international student fairs that took place all over Brazil. So, you know, I was building my career, gaining valid professional experience, and making good money. All I needed was some time abroad so I could improve my fluency skills. I was also very involved with the church, being part of all sorts of programs and studies. I was even thinking about going to seminary to become a youth pastor.

2015 through 2017

When I applied for summer camp, I had all these Christian camps look at my profile. I was super happy. I wanted to work at a religious camp because it could be a path to go to seminary in the United States. I interviewed with 14 different Summer Camps, and finally, I chose one that I thought I’d fit in the best. I got hired by a summer camp that belonged to the Presbyterian Church. My mom was from the Presbyterian church, and I grew up attending the Presbyterian church too, so I loved it. I was going to learn more about God and find ways to become a youth pastor. So, I booked my plane tickets to America and waited anxiously for the day to come. I was 18 years old, and I would turn 19 at camp.

But, one month before I traveled, one of my co-workers at the language school called me and said she wanted to talk to me about something very important. I loved her so much. She was a role model to me. She was spending some time working in Brazil, but she was a resident in Canada. She had traveled the world, and she was a psychologist. Super respectful, open-minded, fun, humble, and such an incredible person. I loved her to death. But I was a bit afraid. Why did she want to talk to me? I remember I had filed some complaints about some procedures at work, so I thought she was going to talk about that. When the day arrived, she invited me to her office and asked me if it was ok to ask me some very personal questions. I thought she was going to ask me about work, but no. The first question she asked me was: “Gabe, are you gay?”. I froze at that time. I did not react. I had always had people assume I was gay, but I had never had people ask me if I was gay. Before I could even answer her, she went on and said: “This question has nothing to do with anything anybody told me, or with the personality you have.” Most people assumed I was gay because of my personality. You know, I’ve always been super spontaneous, effeminate, kind of girly. So, I was already used to people assuming I was gay.

I couldn’t lie to her. We had a good relationship at work. We got along so well, and in my head, because she was a psychologist, she would know if I was lying. But my answer was: “Not that I know of. I’m not sure if I’m gay. Why?”. Her question made me feel like I belong somewhere. She made me feel so comfortable, so safe, and so loved. She was there asking me that question because she truly cared about me. Then, she said: “Gabe, even though you grew up at church, your parents are Christian, and you work in a predominantly Christian company, I want you to know that it’s ok to be gay”. Trust me. She wasn’t invasive at all. She didn’t say that in any bad way. But I was curious. Why that question? What did she notice about me that made her realize I’m gay? How did she know how I felt if I had never talked about it with anyone? Then, she said something else that I will never forget. She said: “The way you talk about women, the way you talk about marriage, and the way you describe sex isn’t the way straight guys would normally do. You put women on a pedestal of glory, requiring traits that don’t exist in real life. You talk about sex after marriage, and you don’t ever talk about girls you are attracted to. When you compliment girls, you mention their hair, their nails, their make-up, but never their body or feelings. You avoid talking about men, but yet, you joke around a lot when there’s a guy near you saying that you will marry them. You show fear whenever you talk about relationships, and you show zero sexual interest when it comes to girls. Gabe, I want you to know that I’m here for you whenever you start to understand your feelings.”

I left the room speechless. She probably has no idea that that conversation made me feel like I could finally be myself. That conversation changed my life. She did not judge me. She helped me see and understand how I felt and who I truly was. I experienced no judgment when talking to her, and I’m eternally grateful for her.

Another reason why this conversation was so important to me is that it went against everything the church and society taught me about homosexuality. It was the first time someone ever told me it was okay to be gay, and that there’s nothing wrong with it. And most importantly, that it was my human right to be gay.

So, June 2015 arrived, and I went to the United States with her words echoing in my head.

When I arrived at camp the beliefs that were forced upon me throughout my entire life were confronted again. Many churches here seemed to accept gay marriage; all the 50 states of the United States also accepted gay marriage. Life here seemed to be normal for gay people. And that there was nothing wrong with being gay and believing in God at the same time. I started attending Hillsong Church and seeing that lesbians and gays were there. I made friends with people who had grown up at church and were gay now. I started to see life completely different from what I was taught back home. But at first, it was all too shocking to me.

If you read my first article, I talked about what it was like to live in the closet for 22 years of my life. Being taught that being gay is wrong, and then being exposed to a kind of life that says that being gay is okay, can be very shocking at first. I remember I’d call my parents and tell them that I heard there was a church near the camp where the pastor was gay. Or the Christian camp that welcomed and accepted the LGBTQIA+ community. I remember when we had a transgender woman at camp teaching us about pronouns. After the service, I called my mom and told her that they don’t follow the Bible and that I was disappointed in the Presbyterian Church of the United States. I was being homophobic. Deep inside I knew that I was afraid of people finding out I was gay. Whenever people say that homophobic people are afraid of coming out as LGBTQIA+, I don’t discard this possibility. It can be one hundred percent possible for that to happen. I don’t approve of homophobia at all, but I do understand where it can come from. It can come from a place of fear. Fear of knowing that one is gay. For the three summers I worked at this camp I said many times that I was against gay marriage. Yep. I was that kind of guy. I was taught that being gay was wrong, so I reproduced all that hate and discrimination. Even though I knew I was gay.

So, after working at this Christian camp for 3 summers in a row, getting to travel to many foreign countries, and meeting a lot of gay guys all over the world, I started to understand that it was about time for me to give value and importance to my feelings. I started to question myself more often. I started to ask myself how long I was going to hide this lie. It’d hunt me wherever I went.

2018

I went back to Brazil and lived there during 2018. I was so unsatisfied, unhappy, and fed up with the way I was living. I wanted to be myself. I wanted to live my truth. I was already 21 years old, and I didn’t want to hide that anymore. Then, I went on vacation to Orlando, Florida in November of 2018, and when I was there, I could remember how free of judgment I felt during the 3 summers I worked at camp, and how accepting the U.S. is of the LGBTQIA+ community. That’s when I said to myself: “If I leave my hometown, and my job. If I’m away from the people I grew up with and go live in a new place, maybe I can find more strength to start a new life as a gay man.” So, after spending 7 days in Orlando, and 10 days in Toronto, Canada, in November 2018, I went back to Brazil. The first thing I did was apply for the Au Pair program. The Au Pair program is an international exchange program that allows young foreign students to live, study and work in the U.S. for two years. I wanted to be somewhere new so that I could start a new life. Away from friends and family. Away from the people who could judge me if I ever came out of the closet. I thought to myself: “I don’t need my parents’ or friends’ permission to come out. But if I’m still living in the same toxic, homophobic, and religious environment I won’t be able to find the strength to do so. I need to allow myself to get out of this bubble and do it in a place where it’s more accepting, welcoming, and respectful.”

I know that the United States is far from being the perfect country when it comes to how accepting of the LGBTQIA+ they are. But when I compare it to Brazil, yes, it is better. Brazil kills LGBTQIA+ every day. Every 23 hours one person dies in Brazil because of homophobia. The country is too religious, too stuck in the past, too homophobic. I did not feel safe coming out of the closet before. I felt afraid. I felt hesitant because I knew I could have lost my job, or even been killed. I am so proud of the gay guys who managed to come out of the closet while still being in Brazil because I did not have that strength. I did not find it safe for me. I didn’t want to be murdered in daylight in front of my parents just because I’m gay. I didn’t want to lose my job just because I’m gay. Above all, I’m a human being and I have the right to exist.

So, this desire to live my truth burned inside of me. It was alive. I would think about it every single day of my life. I didn’t tell anyone I was going to be open to the idea of coming out of the closet when I arrived in the United States. I only needed myself to know that. I promised myself I was going to let go of the prejudice I was taught to have.

February 18, 2019

I arrived in the U.S. to become an Au Pair.

This was the day everything started. I had many educational and travel goals, but the biggest one was that I wanted to be free. I wanted to be me. I wanted to live my truth. I wanted to come out of the closet.

The first week was very hard though. Every single person at the training school asked me if I was gay, and I denied it. I denied it every time. I was very afraid. You know, I didn’t want to tell my parents right away. I wanted to wait for a little. Looking back now I can understand all that. I believe it’s important for you to give yourself some time to process all those feelings. As I said, I grew up at church. It was very hard to let go of those memories, teachings. I needed to believe it was all going to be okay.

The more friends I made in the U.S., the more I was asked if I was gay. And I denied it every single time. But this time it was different: the friends I made would tell me to take my time. They were used to meeting guys who had been in the closet but ended up coming out when they moved to the U.S.

As the weeks went by, I started to connect with a lot of international exchange students who had come out of the closet only after moving to the U.S. Talking to them, and hearing their stories gave me strength. Seeing that they could do it allowed me to believe I could also live my truth. I met Lesbians, Transgender women, Gays, Bisexuals who embraced their identity as soon as they moved. And I am so grateful for them.

Another thing that gave me the strength to come out was whenever I paid attention to how my host parents decided to raise their kids. I loved how the mom, whenever talked about marriage or relationships, would say: “If you ever get married one day, will it be a boy or a girl?”, or “Do you think your husband or wife will like when…?”. My host parents made it clear to the kids that they could be with whoever they wanted to be with. As long as they loved them, were attracted to them, and respected them. This was so beautiful to see. The kids were taught to be who they wanted to be. If any of them ever comes out later in life, they won’t experience any kind of judgment from their parents. And that was powerful to see. It made such a huge positive impact on me.

One day my host mom took me out for dinner, and she asked: “How do you think your parents will react when you come out to them?”. Before I opened my mouth to respond, she said: “I want you to know that you are loved the way you are. Whether you love girls or boys, you are loved.” I felt so touched. This was all I needed to hear. This was in April, right after Spring Break.

Then, I kept meeting more Au Pairs who had come out in the U.S., and their stories kept inspiring me and giving me strength. I remember talking to this one friend Julia, who came out as a Lesbian, and her story made me feel so loved. She comes from a very conservative white family, and she shared with me how hard it was for her to do that. But her bravery made me feel strong. Then, I talked to this other friend of mine, whose name is Carlos. He is one of my biggest inspirations. He mentioned how homophobic his family, the town is from is, but how he was able to find the strength to come out after he moved to the U.S.

All I needed was to be away from my home country. And that’s where I was. I had just moved to the U.S. to start a new life, and I could no longer wait for me to start living my truth. The thing is: I did not go from being straight to being gay. I was never straight. I’ve always been gay. This whole experience is all about me accepting, embracing, and loving my queerness. It was all about me being comfortable with who I have always been supposed to be: A gay man.

June first, 2019

One week before my birthday, which is on June seven, for the first time in my life, I downloaded Tinder on my phone. The last time I had had something with a guy I was 17 years old, but it was all a secret. So, I said to myself: “On June 7, 2019, I will turn 23 years old. And I will no longer say I’m straight. I will no longer lie about who I am. I will come out of the closet on my birthday.”

So, I matched with this guy, and we decided to go on a date on June 8. We did it. We made out, had sex and it was the best feeling ever. I told him all about my story, that it was my first time going on a date with a dude, and that I wanted to be me. We had such an amazing time together. We even traveled some days after the first date to spend some time in the Poconos together.

On June 16, I went to my very first gay club in New York City. I went there with one of my best friends, Bruna. She is a lesbian, and she loved that club. I wasn’t fully out yet. I had come out to my friends in the U.S. only, but I hadn’t come out to my parents yet. We went to this club, and a very handsome man approached me and asked me to dance with him. I danced with him, and while we got to know each other, we kissed. It was the best kiss I’ve ever received. The way he made me feel was special. The first thing came to my mind was: “Why didn’t I come out of the closet before?”. I should have done it when I was younger because the joy that I was feeling is the joy I deserved to have. I was feeling happy, proud, and myself. I was being me. After the night at the club, I slept over at this friend’s house and the next day, we went to a restaurant in Queens. I told her about how insecure I was to be one hundred percent out and to publicly say I am gay. She comforted me. She shared her story, and she made me feel strong. She helped me open my eyes and said: “Gabe, if not now, when?”. Her question made me think of all the gay guys who lived their entire lives lying about who they are. Gay guys who ended up getting married to women, having children, and being unhappy. I didn’t want that for myself. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted to be free. Then, that same night I went back to the same club with her, and I posted a photo of myself in this club. My oldest sister saw it and asked me: “Gabe, I won’t hate you if you tell me that. But are you gay?”. She had noticed how I had been on social media since I moved to the U.S. I was so different. I moved in February 2019, and I was already different. It was crystal clear. After she asked me that question, I took about 10 minutes to answer her because I was thinking of what to say. All my friends in the U.S. already knew I had come out of the closet, but none of my friends and family back home had known that about me. So, I took a deep breath and said: “Yes, sister. I am gay. I just came out of the closet. I’ve been gay my whole life, but I never felt safe to be who I am. But moving to the United States showed me that I can be me.”

We video chatted and I told her all about the process of coming out. We cried and as soon as we hung up, I told my parents and my other siblings.

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever done: Being true to who I am. Allowing myself to share the most important thing about me with the people I care about and love the most. I felt free, renewed, loved. It was so special and important to me.

Coming out was the best thing I’ve ever done

I normally like to say that coming out of the closet wasn’t a single act, but it was a process. A process that took quite some time. A process that happened back home, and it ended in the United States. It wasn’t a certain person or thing that influenced me to find the strength to come out. But, it was all the things I went through in life combined. The fact I was confronted at work one month before going to camp. The fact I saw God through other lenses when I came to work at camp. I saw a God who loves me for who I am and that there is nothing I will do that will make him stop loving me. I heard about a Jesus who accepts me and loves me for being the gay man he called me to be. A God who will accept me as gay and won’t do anything to change because we gays don’t have to change who we are. It was the fact that some of the strongest women and men who had come out of the closet when they moved abroad inspired me after I got to hear their stories. It was the fact that I was away from home, so I didn’t have to experience judgment. It was the fact that I had been lying about who I was for a long time, and I was already fed up with it. It was the fact that I didn’t feel any attraction for women, but I had always felt for men. Everything I went through in life contributed that I came out of the closet in June 2019 at the age of 23 years old. And I am thankful. I’m thankful for being able to live freely today. But I pray. I pray for those who are still in the closet. I pray for those who aren’t safe in their own home and don’t have anywhere to go. But I’ve learned that prayer isn’t enough. Action is needed when we want to make an impact. And in all things that I can do to bring hope to someone, one of the things I choose is to write and share my story with those who need some inspiration. Hearing stories of friends and strangers who came out of the closet gave me so much strength. So, this is why I wrote this article. Hey, I see you. I feel you. I respect you. Take your time. Get out of the toxic bubble you live in and go somewhere you feel safe so you can make the best decision of your life: The decision to start living your truth.

You deserve it. It’s your fucking human right!