So Far, Married Life Kinda Blows
I said the vow, “in sickness and in health” and DAMN the universe wasted zero time.
When I prepared for marriage before actually walking down the aisle, I was preparing for conflict resolution and having intercourse for the first time.
But like most things in life, we make a plan, and the universe laughs because it has other ideas.
My wedding was no different. The honeymoon afterwards was no different.
Marriage, so far, has been following that same tune, and here’s why.
I waited 26 years to lose my virginity, so you can probably guess how my patience was ultimately rewarded.
Oh, Mother Nature, you crockedy old b*tch.
You just can’t miss out on any single opportunity to crash a party, now can you?
That’s not to say that you can’t have sex on your period. By all means! It’s a natural thing, and there’s nothing shameful about it!
My partner and I just don’t get jiggy with it when Mother Nature drops in for a visit.
Mainly because I’m so uncomfortable that I simply don’t want to be touched by my partner at all.
Which, you know, is a great way to feel on a day when one must squeeze into a white corset and wear the tightest form-fitting dress of one’s life.
As soon as all the important photos and dances were over, you best believe I was ripping that damned corset off at the first opportunity!
And no, we didn’t have intercourse on our wedding night either.
In fact, we sat in the jacuzzi tub with some bubbly and chocolate-covered strawberries and quite frankly it was heaven on Earth.
It got worse when a pattern started emerging among our guests.
With Mother Nature still in full swing, we waited to have intercourse for the first time two days after the wedding.
And let me tell you, THAT was f*cking amazing.
But I digress. That’s for another post on another day.
So, Monday, had sex (monumental, AH-mazing!).
And Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling like I had just emerged from Death’s Butthole.
Fever, headache, sore throat, cough.
Lovely.
And then I started talking to some of our guests, and an alarming number of them also had cold/flu-like symptoms.
1/3 of our guests, to be more specific.
26 guests from our wedding spontaneously got sick on Monday night or Tuesday morning.
The sheer number was so alarming that I started mapping out where the infected guests were sitting. And it was entirely random, allllll around the reception hall.
Our immediate question was:
“Okay, who the f*ck on staff at our venue sneezed on the wedding cake?!”
My new husband and I stayed on site at the venue for four days after the wedding, for what my generation calls a “minimoon” (because weddings are so unbelievably expensive that we can’t afford sh*t afterwards).
Two of those days, I was sick as a dog. Came home, my new husband’s sickness caught up to him too, and we spent the next 3 days sick beyond belief.
So marriage so far has been: Period, SEX, sickness, sickness, still sickness, worse sickness, LITERAL NEAR DEATH.
Yup, marriage is a BLAST so far. Whoop!
And on the 7th day, the Universe did NOT rest.
Exactly one week out from the wedding, and my new husband and I woke up feeling more awful than we had.
It was five days into sickness, and there was no end in sight.
And so we went to a walk-in clinic, the walking dead heading out for a little Newlyweds Date, only to find out that we have, not just a bad cold, but strep throat.
With antibiotics, the day went on. I in particular wasn’t feeling any better.
And when I thought things couldn’t get ANY worse, they obviously did.
I also have pink eye now.
Because why not?
We went from being bedridden and miserably sick together on our minimoon to us no longer even being able to be in the same room because my pink eye is so damn contagious and my husband has no more sick days left at work.
We had to sleep in different rooms that night, too. You know, because my eye was discharging.
Ick.
Ah, marriage. Romantic, isn’t it?
Final word.
Just to start off on the right foot, we’re getting our vow of “in sickness and in health” tackled straight out of the gate.
In all seriousness though, my wedding day was phenomenal. I wasn’t sick on the day, and we narrowly missed having our wedding during a hurricane.
It went on without a hitch. It was a dream. I’ve never been so happy. I couldn’t believe this was real life.
And for that exact reason, the Universe was like:
“Eek, you were really happy on that day, like happier than you’ve EVER been, so we need to balance this sh*t out.”
And thus it threw a week of violent illness our way just to even out the playing field a little bit.
Or, as my brother lovingly said the other day:
“Thanks for coming to our wedding-- please don’t forget your table gift: a savage cold!”
It’s day 8 of being sick as hell, and there is honestly no end in sight for the near future.
And you know what folks, this is a good reality check. Because there will be periods in marriage when it will look exactly like this. Exhausting, sickening, frustrating, and feels like hacking up a lung.
No one promised marriage would be easy.
And if you’re not willing to deal with the strep and the pink eye and the inconveniences marriage can bring, you should really consider whether marriage is a commitment you’re ready for.
At the end of the day, sicker for longer than I can remember ever in my life, I am still on cloud 9.
And so damn happy to be married to my incredible husband. ❤
