Sneaky Shopper Snubs Super Bowl LVII
Who Won the Chiefs Versus Eagles Big Game? Me, Once Again!
Enjoying My Once-Yearly Football-Addicted Ghost Town
Welcome to Super Bowl supernatural Sunday.
Want to feel other-worldly? Almost invisible?
Skip the game.
Run some errands.
No one else will be.
I love being a ghost shopper once a year.
You can have your run of the grocery store, providing that you don’t want a truckload of “game” food.
Out of morbid curiosity, I check the empty cases that once held frozen pizzas.
Any other sporty snack foods disappeared from stores earlier in the week.
The rest of the aisles are mine.
It’s a “Grocery Ghost Town.”
Of course, ill-timed Super Bowl shopping can be dangerous.
“Kick-off is less than an hour away!” pants the customer who cut me off and headed to the checkout line.
“I need to get going.”
I look at the piled-high cart. Two-liter bottles of the least-popular pop brands fill the bottom. The many Coke, Pepsi, and Dr. Pepper variations were sucked off shelves a day before.
Then, the rest of the space is devoted to “Alex, I’ll take things that go crunch for $2,000.”
I’m impressed that I see men shopping. Sensible wives bought them ample food and drink.
But the man knows the other men coming. They see Big Game Day as a license to gorge and stuff themselves. These guys are bringing home “just in case” refreshments.
If stores were interested in maximum profits today, they put up warning signs by check stands. “Don’t forget your Tums, Rolaids, and Pepto Bismol. Acid indigestion happens!”
These consumers are wearing Kansas City Chiefs-related clothing because they are Midwesterners who are loyal geographically.
I spot one man wearing a “Super Bowl Champion Los Angeles Rams” T-shirt from last year.
Chances are he overpaid for the then-timely shirt. Now, he wants to get as much mileage as possible out of his apparel investment.
Or, his spouse said, “You wear that old shirt. I remember how much you paid for that thing last year!”
My store bakery attempted to bake and frost football-shaped cookies.
I predict most of the cookies will take refuge in the “90 percent off” sale cart by week’s end.
From experience, I’ve learned that shoppers should show sympathy for store employees.
I’ll always remember the checker who was grossed out by my attitude.
“You’re not going to watch any of the game? Not even the commercials of the halftime show?”
I smiled and shrugged.
“Boy, I would if I could.”
Although I’m not bilingual, I’m proud to have a few Super Bowl phrases ready for game day.
“Just hope for another close game.”
That improvisation is factually based.
In Super Bowl LVI last year, the Rams edged out the Bengals, 23–20.
“What was your favorite commercial last year?”
Few spots got better reviews than Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart enjoying Bic EZ Reach Lighters.
While it might be too late for store managers to reform for this game, here’s a tip for the future:
Update your customers over the intercom by issuing scoring updates. This will breathe life into your excluded, dejected workforce.
Before other ghost shoppers head home from the most peaceful shopping trip ever, note that there’s no line at the gas pumps today.
The Super Bowl brings peace to non-sports fans.
Best of all, you may be able to fool most people most of the time with your football indifference.
Want to be extra cool Monday around the office water cooler?
Start practicing your generic rhetorical statements.
Such as:
“Wasn’t that quite a game?”
“I liked the commercials the most. I couldn’t pick a favorite. They’re all funny! How about you?”
I’ve found that you don’t have to pretend about the Super Bowl halftime show.
If someone asks you about the entertainment, just reply, “I always miss that. We’re always busy going to the bathroom and getting more food.”
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Tom Owens is a daily occurrence on Twitter at @domorebemoreNOW, where he rails against soul-sucking jobs. To help support his snarky sense of humor, please subscribe to Medium via https://medium.com/@domorebemoreNOW/membership, so Tom will get a tiny reward.