Snacking Guide for Breakups

Pair your heartache with the right high-calorie snack

I’m not a wine expert. I have no idea what red pairs with what cheese. Or if red even pairs with cheese at all. I’ll drink any tequila you put in front of me, the end result of a good buzz is all the same. I do not have a refined palate.

Except for snacks.

This year I suffered the heartbreak of ending a love affair and my marriage. There’s only one way to survive that kind of trauma: carbs. But one can’t be a pleb who snacks on just any carb.

If you are experiencing heartbreak, have some self-respect and make sure you match the snack to the emotion.

Note: I’m not a rep for any of these companies but in my next life, I would love to be a professional snack taster.

Melancholy

This is an interesting emotion. It’s like being in the center of a tornado. You’ll have to face the other emotions to escape it but in the meantime, it’s calm.

Too calm.

You’re not happy yet. You’re somewhat numb and aren’t in the mood to shower.

Melancholy calls for cheese. Not just any cheese. The powder kind that coats a corn chip. Doritos my friend, Doritos. Don’t mess with weird flavors like Cool Ranch or Spicy Sweet Chili. Now is not the time to dick around with emotion-affecting food. Stick with original Nacho.

No one will judge you if it’s a Costco-sized bag. Whatever gets you through the day.

Rage

You don’t fuck around with Rage. This is straight-up salt. ALL THE SALT. And what’s your conduit for all that salt? Fried potatoes in chip format. I have a hankering for BBQ chips but any chips will do, so as long as it’s not the bullshit “1/3 Less Calories” variety.

Don’t waste your cash on Pringles. They’re the Evian of potato chips. They don’t taste all that different and you look like an asshole carrying it.

A word of caution: while other foods take a while to pile on the pounds, chips make you retain water like a mofo. There is a salt hangover the next day but it’s so worth it.

Irritation

The snacking goal with Irritation is to avoid barreling into Provocation. That means it’s one thing to scowl while curled up, festering in your thoughts. It’s another to get riled up that you lash out at everyone. It takes a bold snack to keep this emotion reigned in.

There are a few options. The first is Andes Creme De Menthe Chocolate Thins. Such a pretentious name for “mint chocolate”.

Alternatively, a single-flavored lollipop works as well. As long as it’s not a Tootsie Pop. Fuck that noise.

This category has leeway for modifications. The takeaway is that it needs to have a strong note of a single flavor that needs savoring. It’s a snack that has to be eaten slowly, providing soothing relief to your state of Irritation.

Anxiety

Pounding heart and sweaty palms need a delicate snack to offset Anxiety. Mess with this emotional ecosystem and you’ll end up in Excruciating Sadness (arguable the worst emotion of all). Chocolate provides the calming effect needed. Almond Joy is the savior of this emotion, however Mounds are acceptable as well.

Almond Joys are loaded with sweetened coconut, so there’s sweet layered with more sweet. Some people don’t like coconut; as an Anxiety snack alternative, you can punch yourself in the throat for having poor taste.

Excruciating Sadness

This is by far the most intense and awful experience of all after a breakup. If you lean into it, you find yourself on your knees, face in your hands, sobbing from the magnitude of the pain. When it feels like there is no escape from the pain.

Excruciating Sadness isn’t the time to fuck around with snackery. This is the In-Case-of-Emergency-Break-Glass snack. It has to be salty, sweet, savory, crunchy, chewy and melty, to match the whirlwind of emotions pouring out through tears.

In my experience, the best carb that meets the criteria is Reese’s Take 5.

I don’t quite know what’s in it because it’s wise to avoid reading the contents of something delicious. There are peanut butter and pretzels on one end of the spectrum with chocolate and caramel on the other. Who knows what else is in there…the souls of kittens I suppose.

Will they ease the mourning in your heart? Probably not. But your taste buds will feel joy, so at least one body part experiences happiness.

While this list is certainly not exhaustive, it serves as a guideline when going berserk with negative feelings over your breakup.

Another thing that helps when heartbroken is exercise. Endorphins make you happy. And you’ll need exercise to burn off all that snacking.