Smoking

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eats her body with love and affection, is stricken in pain from rheumatoid arthritis. My younger sister, Kathy, survived ovarian cancer.</p><p id="5d36">Here I am, with a body strong and true, with scant afflictions, a heart strong, muscles resilient, and I put cigarettes into it every day.</p><p id="be18">Already today, I made coffee and went outside to smoke. I am so saddened by this cognitive dissonance. I don’t want to be sick, and yet I cannot bring myself to break the cycle.</p><p id="6648">On this Mother’s Day, I am so aware that smoking is selfish. I am cheating my husband and kids out of having a long and healthy life with me.</p><p id="6768">My ego is cruel. She wakes me to wallow in these thoughts, props me up on a pole worn from my weight. My inner light, my witness is here with me.</p><p id="b615">When the sun comes up tomorrow, I want to wake with her. This journey I’ve taken, to dissolve the dark shadows of my memories down to a speck, it has now come face-to-face with one of the toughest manifestations of my pain. Smoking is the rows of phalanxes before me, and I stand here alone with a pillar of light.</p><p id="b6ae">I will quit smoking, but I already fear the use of battle as metaphor. I want to recite my mantras, and wake tomorrow, and put my feet on a floor with no trodden path, to start a path new, toward life.</p><p id="4549"><a href="undefined">Josie Elbiry</a>, 2021</p><p id="62c7">Thank you to <a href="undefined">Lucy Dan 蛋小姐 (she/her/她

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)</a> for this prompt. It has really helped me to stand up and get a stronger mindset about quitting smoking.</p><div id="bfed" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/whats-something-outside-of-your-comfort-zone-that-you-d-like-to-do-this-week-47c5f1bb2bab"> <div> <div> <h2>What’s Something Outside Of Your Comfort Zone That You’d Like To Do This Week?</h2> <div><h3>Sunny Side Updates with TBIN 🧠🍝 week 30!</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*EnLfRdyx3FngTqkzZs1gpw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="a601">And I found Lucy’s prompt because I read the work of <a href="undefined">Anthony Jackson</a> today:</p><div id="1503" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/learning-karate-147dc690a45a"> <div> <div> <h2>Learning Karate</h2> <div><h3>Shortform Theme of the Week: Outside of Your Comfort Zone</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*i-fnhidqbKWcfih5)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Why is killing myself a comfort zone?

Image courtesy of Flickr

Tomorrow I will wake up and have water before coffee, meditation before curses, God before self-loathing.

Tomorrow I will waft sage around my brain and love my body, its aging curves and plump where I never had plump before.

Tomorrow I will not have disdain for people who watch TV all day long or drink too much alcohol or eat late into the night. Who the fuck am I to judge? I have slowly been killing myself for thirty-five years on cigarettes.

Tonight, as always, I will practice these mantras before sleep. I will breathe deep and cast a blue light over myself. I will think of my dad, who through no fault of his own died at the age where I now stand.

I will think of all the transgressions against my body, and how it has been this amazing vessel of strength against adversity, and how I must show it my fervent gratitude.

I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with a serious and rare form of blood cancer. I watch my mom hobble on a walker after fifty years of alcohol abuse. My older sister, dearest Jean, who treats her body with love and affection, is stricken in pain from rheumatoid arthritis. My younger sister, Kathy, survived ovarian cancer.

Here I am, with a body strong and true, with scant afflictions, a heart strong, muscles resilient, and I put cigarettes into it every day.

Already today, I made coffee and went outside to smoke. I am so saddened by this cognitive dissonance. I don’t want to be sick, and yet I cannot bring myself to break the cycle.

On this Mother’s Day, I am so aware that smoking is selfish. I am cheating my husband and kids out of having a long and healthy life with me.

My ego is cruel. She wakes me to wallow in these thoughts, props me up on a pole worn from my weight. My inner light, my witness is here with me.

When the sun comes up tomorrow, I want to wake with her. This journey I’ve taken, to dissolve the dark shadows of my memories down to a speck, it has now come face-to-face with one of the toughest manifestations of my pain. Smoking is the rows of phalanxes before me, and I stand here alone with a pillar of light.

I will quit smoking, but I already fear the use of battle as metaphor. I want to recite my mantras, and wake tomorrow, and put my feet on a floor with no trodden path, to start a path new, toward life.

Thank you to Lucy Dan 蛋小姐 (she/her/她) for this prompt. It has really helped me to stand up and get a stronger mindset about quitting smoking.

And I found Lucy’s prompt because I read the work of Anthony Jackson today:

The Brain is a Noodle

Smoking

Why is killing myself a comfort zone?

What’s Something Outside Of Your Comfort Zone That You’d Like To Do This Week?

Sunny Side Updates with TBIN 🧠🍝 week 30!

Learning Karate

Shortform Theme of the Week: Outside of Your Comfort Zone