Skip the Guilt Trip Next Time.

Summary

Adaobi Okwy discusses the personal journey of overcoming guilt, particularly the guilt associated with making mistakes, and offers strategies for replacing negative emotions with positive self-improvement.

Abstract

The author, Adaobi Okwy, shares her struggle with guilt in various aspects of her life, from personal relationships to societal expectations. She emphasizes the debilitating nature of guilt, especially in the context of her religious upbringing, where guilt was closely tied to the concept of 'sin'. Recognizing the futility of guilt trips in instigating meaningful change, Okwy advocates for a new approach to dealing with mistakes. She suggests a method of self-reflection to distinguish between momentary lapses and deeper patterns of behavior, followed by active efforts to improve. Her goal is to foster a positive self-image and to encourage others to move past guilt more effectively.

Opinions

Guilt is a pervasive emotion in the author's life, affecting her sense of self and relationships.
The traditional approach to guilt, particularly within a religious framework, is seen as magnifying feelings of inadequacy.
Guilt trips are viewed as ineffective and potentially self-righteous, lacking the power to bring about genuine behavioral change.
The author believes in the importance of self-reflection to understand the nature of one's mistakes.
She promotes the idea of letting go of momentary lapses without dwelling on them.
For recurring patterns of behavior, the author suggests a proactive approach to alter one's actions in real-time.
Positive affirmations are recommended as a counterbalance to negative emotions associated with past actions.
The ultimate aim is to build a positive self-concept and reduce the impact of guilt on one's life.

As life’s resident do-gooder and people-pleaser, guilt is an emotion that I am so very well acquainted with.

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I battle with the guilt of not being there for all my friends, the guilt of not being the best daughter to my parents, the guilt of not always giving my daughter my full attention, the guilt of not being where I think I should be in life, the guilt of there still being suffering in the world, and the guilt of some people grieving during the holidays instead of celebrating. But the biggest guilt of all is the guilt I feel when I make mistakes.

The biggest guilt of all?

Guilt when I trip. A friend calls for a favour and I do not give them everything because I need to save some for me too. Trip because I lied about something to save my hide. Trip when I am rude to someone because I don’t like them. Trip when I scoff at someone that got hugged by karma. You know- trip that comes with fucking up. That kind of trip.

But, have you ever considered how debilitating guilt as an emotion can be? We get down on ourselves. We get depressed. We look up to heaven, beat our chests and mourn for days. How could we? How could this be?

As someone who grew up in the church, guilt was magnified by the concept of ‘sin’. Guilt for me was a reminder of all the ways I fell short. But have you ever thought about how debilitating guilt as an emotion can be? It can bring us down and make us depressed. After years of dealing with guilt, I began a journey to remove negative emotions from my life. I realized that going on guilt trips does not lead to meaningful change. In fact, it can just make us more self-righteous. Going on guilt trips is not changing the behaviour for which I was guilty of- a penance without a changed behaviour.

After years of dealing with guilt, I started on a journey where I started to remove negative emotions from myself. It was time for the guilt trip to GO.

I have a different perspective: skip the guilt trip and get on with living.

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How do you do this?

Take a moment to sit with myself and reflect on why I made the mistake. Was it a momentary lapse in judgment or something deeper that I need to work on?

If it was a lapse in judgment, I try to let it go and not dwell on it.

If I realize it is a pattern, I make a firm decision to take a moment to act better every time I find myself on the verge of falling into that pattern. For example, if I am about to speak rudely, I give myself a ten-second delay and remind myself to speak kindly.

Every time the situation crosses my mind, I try to counter it with something positive, such as “I am happy” or “I am done with you.”

By doing these things, I hope to improve daily and skip the guilt trips more quickly. The goal is to build myself up positively, rather than dwelling on negative emotions like guilt.

Thank you for reading.

My name is Adaobi Okwy. Please turn on Email Notification for my next post. Also, Buy me coffee?