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Abstract

ay because of my relationship. It’s a controlling one and I’m not sure why I’m continuously gravitating toward them. The kicker? We have a 2-month-old baby together. So, you know, double stuck.There are some good things about our relationship but I can feel it in my bones- it’s wrong. Where there used to be love there is obligation. Where there used to be a spark there is soot. Where there should be understanding there is anger.I’ve promised to be loyal to him though, just as he promised to stop abusing me. I wonder if I twist it that way will it sting less, will it be less immoral. Because here’s the thing — I’m in love, I think, with someone else.This someone is a contact I’ve had in my phone for over 2 years now. Guy number one came, abused me, and left. Guy number 2 entered the picture, we had a blast, and then I left his company behind for another attempt at a relationship with Guy number one.That was so stupid.So if I can see that now, why can’t I act on it? Well, as for most, there is fear. I don’t want to leave him and then be left lonely, watching him love another while I can’t touch. But I have an incentive — Guy number 2s exist in this world. I must remind myself that I deserve better.Angered, hurt, and disrespected, I slipped away “with the girls” a few times to escape from my relationship. Guy number 2 and I spent hours driving around on golf carts without a care in the world. With him I am light. With him I am present.With him I am — with him.And on this particular outing, I was feeling good. I was loose from a few “sips” o

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f vodka he brought along for the ride. Soon, we were parked in the woods, nestled deeply in Spyglass, talking about our lives. Conversation lead, as conversation does, to subject after subject until we landed on sex.I don’t know why I was surprised, I had struggled to keep my mind out of the gutter all night long. I had struggled to keep my thoughts on Guy number one. Clearly, I failed. Before I knew it my lips were engaged with his.He drove the cart closer to the water; we walked downhill. He asked if I wanted to “get dirty” with a smirk on his face. I loved him then at that moment and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. As he undressed he laid his clothes on the sand as a blanket.I laughed as I climbed on top of him, exclaiming, “We’re in our thirties!” He smiled and quickly shot back,” Isn’t this the way it is supposed to be? We could get a hotel room like other adults, but we are not other adults. We are children in spirit, we are here to perpetuate happiness. We are here together”We spent our time together on the shore. In no hurry, he lasted so long, long enough for me to fall deeper and deeper into him, and into the water as he seamlessly lifted me while remaining deep inside of me, and carried me to the water.As he voraciously finished, I felt nothing but freedom — from my abuse, from myself, and from the land.And skinny dipping in your thirties? Well if you aren’t doing it, you aren’t doing this decade right. Find a partner you want to grind in the sand with. Find a partner worth getting skinned knees and bug bites with. Find a partner like Guy number 2.</article></body>

When You’re In Love with Two People at Once

The skinny dipping that changed my perspective

There’s a park next to the lake called Spyglass Island. The locals know it as “the spot” — you know, where the high schoolers go to make out. Well, they probably buy pot too.

Standing on the docks, you can see lights shining in the distance, lighting the path crossing the bridge over the dam. It’s peaceful there, and the silence combined with the moonlight shimmering on the water creates a feeling of calm that’s difficult to rival.

During the day, the park is infiltrated with golf carts and a mixture of people of all ages. Some come for the playground equipment, others for the fitness area or the shade next to the water.

I have driven, run, walked, and cycled through these woods alongside this lake countless times in my life. I grew up here and I still live here in my thirties. Using “the spot” for anything other than the advertised uses was something I had never considered. That would soon change.

Thirties.

There’s something about that phrase. I like it. I’m a grown woman, I have had wonderful experiences, and I’ve got a wide-open future. Well, I should. Instead, I feel stuck, and at a time during which I should be flourishing.

Why am I stuck? I’m embarrassed to say because of my relationship. It’s a controlling one and I’m not sure why I’m continuously gravitating toward them. The kicker? We have a 2-month-old baby together. So, you know, double stuck.

There are some good things about our relationship but I can feel it in my bones- it’s wrong. Where there used to be love there is obligation. Where there used to be a spark there is soot. Where there should be understanding there is anger.

I’ve promised to be loyal to him though, just as he promised to stop abusing me. I wonder if I twist it that way will it sting less, will it be less immoral. Because here’s the thing — I’m in love, I think, with someone else.

This someone is a contact I’ve had in my phone for over 2 years now. Guy number one came, abused me, and left. Guy number 2 entered the picture, we had a blast, and then I left his company behind for another attempt at a relationship with Guy number one.

That was so stupid.

So if I can see that now, why can’t I act on it? Well, as for most, there is fear. I don’t want to leave him and then be left lonely, watching him love another while I can’t touch. But I have an incentive — Guy number 2s exist in this world. I must remind myself that I deserve better.

Angered, hurt, and disrespected, I slipped away “with the girls” a few times to escape from my relationship. Guy number 2 and I spent hours driving around on golf carts without a care in the world. With him I am light. With him I am present.

With him I am — with him.

And on this particular outing, I was feeling good. I was loose from a few “sips” of vodka he brought along for the ride. Soon, we were parked in the woods, nestled deeply in Spyglass, talking about our lives. Conversation lead, as conversation does, to subject after subject until we landed on sex.

I don’t know why I was surprised, I had struggled to keep my mind out of the gutter all night long. I had struggled to keep my thoughts on Guy number one. Clearly, I failed. Before I knew it my lips were engaged with his.

He drove the cart closer to the water; we walked downhill. He asked if I wanted to “get dirty” with a smirk on his face. I loved him then at that moment and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. As he undressed he laid his clothes on the sand as a blanket.

I laughed as I climbed on top of him, exclaiming, “We’re in our thirties!” He smiled and quickly shot back,” Isn’t this the way it is supposed to be? We could get a hotel room like other adults, but we are not other adults. We are children in spirit, we are here to perpetuate happiness. We are here together”

We spent our time together on the shore. In no hurry, he lasted so long, long enough for me to fall deeper and deeper into him, and into the water as he seamlessly lifted me while remaining deep inside of me, and carried me to the water.

As he voraciously finished, I felt nothing but freedom — from my abuse, from myself, and from the land.

And skinny dipping in your thirties? Well if you aren’t doing it, you aren’t doing this decade right. Find a partner you want to grind in the sand with. Find a partner worth getting skinned knees and bug bites with. Find a partner like Guy number 2.