THOUGHTS & MUSINGS

Skeletons, Inhibitions and Emotions

The five prompts for the second week of KTHT’s Spooktober

As I start on this, I have just hung up after an hour-long phone call with my son. Sadness has him in its grip as he looks back on a terrible relationship, which took him from standing firmly with two feet on the ground to a suicidal mess. Thankfully, the last time he tried to commit suicide was at the end of May, which landed him in hospital for two nights.

I have a lot on my plate. Supporting my son, but also supporting my husband, and trying to find time for my body and mind to come to terms with the stress surrounding my better half’s health.

My reactions to the prompts will no doubt be tainted by these things.

Skeletal claws of darkness

Those words put an image in mind of several skeletons in the darkness, clawing their way towards the light in slow motion. I see myself in the skeletons. Swaying my arms, trying to survive the darkness; to free myself from it, and allow myself to be in the light again.

It’s not like I'm constantly down. Far from it. But, the stress is with me always, which is why my body still aches. The pain was less for about three weeks, but it’s gradually getting more, probably because of subconscious worries for the upcoming scan at the end of the month.

A twirl of inhibition and destruction

Inhibition is a feeling that makes one self-conscious and unable to act in a relaxed and natural way. This made me think of how, for a big part of my life, I always reacted the way I thought others wanted me to, or the way I should. I didn’t react being true to myself, because of ‘what they would think of me’.

Isn’t that a way to destruct your authentic self?

Do you think you live and behave freely? If not, what makes you feel trapped?

I’m a work in progress, and learning how to live and behave freely. Where I never felt restricted, it’s only now that I learn more about myself, I realize I felt trapped. I trapped myself. My upbringing trapped me in this situation. As a child, I learned I should be a ‘good girl’ to not upset my dad. Being a good girl meant doing things the way he wanted, never voicing my opinion, following all the rules he had set.

I had many ‘daddy figures’ in my life. Bosses. Friends. Acquaintances. Colleagues. Lovers. I never wanted to upset anyone. It became a way of living to do what I think they wanted me to do. To make sure the things I do will make them like me, and continue to like me. To not upset ‘daddy’.

I’m freeing myself from those bonds, and being a better parent to my inner child, to show her that she’s allowed to show her authentic feelings.

Contemplate emotions you’re afraid of exposing to others. What do you hide? Why?

I’m hiding my fears and my tears. Not from everyone, but from many.

Why?

So many reasons.

Not everyone understands my fears. Some tell me not to be afraid of something that hasn’t happened yet. I know that, but ‘tell that to my body’ is my standard answer. I am not thinking of my fears all the time, but subconsciously they are always there, and settle in my muscles, leaving me in pain.

I also hide them because I don’t always want to talk about it. Sometimes I just want light-hearted banter, and for a while forget about our circumstances.

And I also hide my fears, because if I talk or think about them, the tears come…

A small betrayal

I can think of many betrayals, but I wonder… when is a betrayal small? When someone betrays us, doesn’t it leave a mark which we take with us for the rest of our lives? Even if we forgive them, don’t we still feel even a slight discomfort when we think of the betrayal, no matter how big or small it was?

Also, what if the person never meant to betray us? What if we did something others see as a betrayal, even though we know it wasn’t?

So many questions to ponder…

Thank you to Diana C. for the second week’s prompts for Spooktober!

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