Six Ways to Face Widowhood

Several years ago I lost my life companion of almost 37 years after long months of illness.

Nothing prepares you to face grief. You may have observed that of others and read about the process of grief, but living it is another story.

Although my parents had already died — my Mum a very short time beforehand — , those were more expected losses due to their age. Besides, I had lived at a distance from my parents for much of my life, and that had given me plenty of time to deal with a certain degree of separation. Then, too, you expect your parents to die before you, but as for a spouse… you never know. The empty house of a widow or widower echoes with memories; living there can be especially hard in the first weeks or months.

I’d like to share some of the ways that I was able to deal with this new experience.

Give yourself time

It’s important to let yourself cry, and not escape the pain, for at some point it will catch up to you. Don’t try to deny your reality and flee from it. At times I felt tempted to submerge myself in many activities in order to “forget,” as some drown their sorrows in alcohol. It’s not the solution. Don’t let anyone suggest it’s “time you got over it.” You will get through the initial shock of grieving, but in another sense, it will never leave you. A therapist encouraged me not to “fight or flee,” but to live with the emotions and not bury them.

Write

Perhaps you’re thinking, “I’m not a writer!” Don’t worry; no one needs to read what you jot down, what you’re feeling and thinking. Sadness, anger, nostalgia, regrets, even gratitude. A thanatologist friend told me that writing helps you to get things off your chest and contributes to the healing process. We can’t always find someone who can listen to us patiently. Your diary won’t judge you and can show you how you evolve gradually. If you’re a Bible reader, take note of those verses that give you comfort or guidance; return to them when your emotions overwhelm you.

Stay active

Try to return gradually to your previous activities. In my case, I went back to work, although some counseled me to wait. I felt that it would have been harder to spend much of the day alone at home. Then, I took about a week to get back to my morning walks. I had to show myself that life goes on, much as it will never be the same.

Although it went against habit to go to concerts alone, I decided I had to learn, and went to a free one, and later another, which cost a fair amount as it involved an international singer.

Another way to get out was to attend courses. I learned of some offered “for adults” by the state university and began to attend. There I made new friends and met a few others who were also adapting to widowhood.

Help others

You undoubtedly already helped others in different ways, but noticing the needs of others allows you to come out of your shell, remembering that many suffer due to illness, loneliness, and more. Pick up the phone and call them. Drop in on them. Take some groceries or food. Find a group that ministers to the needy. You’ll understand their pain and be more sensitive than some. As the apostle Paul said, God “comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:4b).

Get out of the rut

Some activities that you shared with your husband can evoke sad memories, so it can be helpful to try to find some new ones. The courses I’ve taken are only one example. One year I decided it was time to travel alone and I went to another state to get to know the capital city, as well as some lovely “magical” towns (this is a group of towns named as such by the Mexican government, each with special characteristics such as their crafts, natural beauties, and so on).

Renew friendships

It’s not that I ever quit seeing them, but suddenly my eyes were opened to the importance of having friends who were also “single,” women who understood me, sometimes felt lonely and welcomed a chance to do things with another woman. From coffee or a meal to concerts to a museum visit, I’m sure they too have appreciated my reaching out.

In addition to these simple strategies, I also found that reading Scripture spoke to me more than ever before, as I sensed God coming close to comfort, heal, and encourage me.

May you, too, find renewed hope in this stage of your life.