Surgical self-help humour
Six Ways to Deepen Your Voice for Greater Authority and Sexual Attraction
Get low, get low, get low
Hey fellas, it is well known that deeper voices lead to deeper connections. Both in business and the business of boom-boom. High, squeaky voices are just annoying, and highlight your existence as an evolutionary dead end. I know personally I could never fall in love with a chipmunk, despite their alluring physiques. Want to sound more Barry White and less Free Willy? Here’s how.
1. Carry a personal voice modulator with you at all times.
You know the type. Serial killers and terrorists love them for chatting with the authorities. The deeper they get their voices, the scarier they sound, and the police wither to their demands. Still sexy though. Dexter — am I right?
2. Lengthen and strengthen your vocal cords with high intensity weight training.
The depth of your voice is controlled by your vocal cords. Get stronger to get deeper. One exercise I like to prescribe my clients is to lie on your back, place a 20kg sandbag across your throat and yell STEAK BEER SPORTS for 3 sets of 10.
3. Drink molasses instead of water before important meetings or romantic encounters.
You want it so thick it coats the inside of your windpipe and forces you to grunt each word out. Some have suggested drinking tar, but I think that’s a road too far.
4. Consume two to three portions of live scorpion each week.
Once the scorpions sting the inside of your pharynx, the associated swelling +/- infection should lower your voice by at least half an octave. To increase the success rate, try and make sure the scorpions are particularly irritated before swallowing. I’ve found playing Justin Timberlake’s falsetto fuelled ‘Cry Me a River’ does the trick.
5. Attach an anvil to your nut sack.
Studies have shown that the faster and lower the testes descend during puberty, the deeper the voice at adulthood. While that ship may have already sailed, you can still swim after it. Start small (I suggest a lightweight boat anchor), and employ progressive overload principles until your nads turn into knee-knockers. I wouldn’t advise going any lower as they can become a trip hazard.
6. If all else has failed, or you need your voice dropped asap, sign up for my fully 100% guaranteed (not actually guaranteed) Neck-Nut ™ procedure.
Under a light anaesthetic, we surgically implant 1–2 testicles into your Adam’s apple. (This may end up being a re-implant if you progressed your anvil weight too quickly)
Several success stories have told me (via text) that their voice became so low it was no longer audible by humans! As my mama always told me, there’s nothin’ sexier than a mute.
