Dinosaurs Don’t Fart, and Five Other Things You Didn’t Know

Summary

The article "Dinosaurs Don’t Fart, and Five Other Things You Didn’t Know" presents an entertaining and unconventional look at common misunderstandings about dinosaurs, challenging readers with six surprising facts.

Abstract

The undefined website's article delves into the lesser-known aspects of dinosaurs, highlighting misconceptions with a blend of humor and pseudo-scientific commentary. It underscores the vast expanse of time since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, their unexpectedly sophisticated sense of humor, and the revelation that dinosaurs did not emit flatulent gases as previously thought. Instead, they released gas through their skin. The piece humorously suggests that dinosaurs had a penchant for Dr. Pepper, contrary to the belief that it was detrimental to them, and posits that dinosaurs were indifferent to humans, rendering our fascination with them unreciprocated. Lastly, the article playfully hints at a conspiracy theory that dinosaurs did not truly become extinct and are part of a modern political agenda.

Opinions

The article implies that the public's understanding of dinosaurs' timeline is superficial, equating their existence to a vast number of dishwashers lined up.
It humorously asserts that dinosaurs possessed a sense of humor and enjoyed innocent, wholesome jokes, contrary to their fearsome reputation.
The piece takes a humorous stance that dinosaurs' gas exchange was not through traditional fart

There may be more but let’s start here

There is still so much we don’t understand about dinosaurs! Steven Brusatte’s The Rise and Fall of the Dinosaurs: A New History of a Lost World brought the general paleontology reader up-to-the-minute in new dino discoveries. But still, these basic misunderstandings continue. Here are six inconvenient and poorly understood truths about dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs were here a very long time ago

“Duh,” I can hear you say! “Duh,” I say to you, right back!

I could give you the number — 65,000,000 years — but I guarantee it means nothing to you. If we were talking at a party, I would be like, “That’s a really long time ago.” And you would be like, “So … they were all using Myspace?”

Let me put it in terms you might understand. We’ll do a timeline. If each year was an inch and a dish washer is 24 inches wide, then the number of dish washers stood side by side it would take to track back to the coming of Jesus would be 83! The number of dish washers it would take to go back to the time the dinosaurs died out would be 2,708,333 — that’s two million, seven hundred eight thousand, three hundred thirty-three dish washers! If Jesus came every 2,000 years, he would have come about 32,000 times since the dinosaurs “died out”— I know he hung out with prostitutes, but that feels like a lot. Math doesn’t lie.

Dinosaurs had a great sense of humor

Because dinosaurs had no documented capacity for irony, folks think they had no sense of humor at all. It is true, dinosaur humor came late in their culture, and was largely innocent and wholesome. They would have loved, for example, “You say tomāto, I say tomăto!” The dinosaur wit who came up with that would have been fêted throughout Pangea or Gwandanaland. “Oh, ha!” an Ankylosaur might say. And let’s not even talk about “Tea for Two” or “Choo-Choo-Ch-Boogie.” I am very in tune with dino humor — I get them — and I can barely keep from doubling over in fits of jocularity. Please allow me a moment to compose myself and undo the top button of my shirt collar.

Of course, we don’t know exactly what jokes they told, but we know they were absolute corkers. The remains of dinosaur skulls show the unmistakable signs of snorting Dr. Pepper out through nostrils, the universally recognized indicator of hilarity.

Dinosaurs did not fart

It’s been established that dinosaurs had air sacs throughout their bodies that sped up metabolism for the genial Gargantuas. But few have addressed the necessary corollary. Dinosaur farts emerged from all over their whole body! Yes! Instead of coming out of the anus and setting up a mellifluous vibration in the membrane and “farting,” dinosaurs voided their gaseous excrement via osmosis through the epidermis! Talk about “silent but deadly!” Some writers conjecture that it may be the absence of “sounded farts” that slowed the development of humor in the Jurassic.

Dinosaurs loved — no, really, I mean LOVED — Dr. Pepper

The fact that dinosaurs imbibed the carbonated, sweetened formaldehyde that was trademarked by the Doctor called Pepper has been quietly discussed among paleontologists since at least the publication of this very article you are reading. But bias has corrupted their analysis. Establishment scientists — who famously loathe Dr. Pepper — had the dinosaurs indulging the bubbly goodness at the end of the Cretaceous period, implying that the beverage somehow contributed to the Great Extinction! Recent, evidence-free speculation, however, has led some to assert that dinosaurs were Peppers from the very beginning of the Triassic period! Meaning that dinosaurs throve because of their Dr. Pepper consumption, not in spite of it.

Side note: one could say that dinosaurs have throven up until the present day in the form of their descendent chickens! Only the meanest of intellects is unaware that Dr. Pepper leads to contented chickens laying contented eggs.

Dinosaurs didn’t care about us at all

It hurts. Yes, it hurts to know that the esteem one feels for another is not returned in kind. Humanity thinks so much about dinosaurs, and dinosaurs think, literally, nothing of us. We are less to them than a rash that can be cured by an over-the-counter topical ointment. Words that are more important to dinosaurs than “humans” include villipendescent, flendipitus, fuzzling, scrotesque, and lerp, which sort of says it all. No? Our fascination for the dinosauric crowd is the great unrequited romance of the Anthropocene. Very sad and tragic. Someone should make a Rom-Com.

Dinosaurs never really died out

No, I’m not talking about chickens, birds, and raptors who some say carry the dinosaur gene burden to this very day. That’s Darwinian fake news. Here’s the truth. The asteroid was a false flag operation. If Big Paleo have their way we’ll all become serfs in a communist, fascist, left wing, right leg dinogarchy. You heard it here first.

Ancient Life Dept.