avatarTom Handy

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Six Things Learned Supporting My Mom and Investing In My Future

If you don’t like surprises, then you need to read this

Photo by Juan Jose Porta on Unsplash

For more than the last decade, I have been financially supporting my mom. Growing up you never think that you’ll have to support your parents. At first, it may be sending them money once in a while. Then the needs start to grow over time to finally schedule their hospital appointments. I could go on and on to discuss various other examples.

Every once in a while you’ll see articles about the sandwich generation, families who support their parents while also raising their own family. Whenever I see those articles, I read them. I think to myself, am I doing the right thing or missing something else I should know about?

Sometimes after 2001, my mom asked me to help pay her mortgage. When she first bought her house a few years before that, I was thinking, do you really need to buy a house now at your age? She was close to 60 at that point and should be thinking about retirement instead.

I had the money and didn’t have a problem. I don’t mention this very often and keep a lot of this within my family or on a need to know basis. Sometimes this has caused issues within my own family.

At first, my wife was on board but then there were times when we would argue about supporting her family as well. You always hear about money is an issue in a marriage. Well, money goes to another level when it involves giving money to family members. Supporting family members is a completely different story and causes more stress in a marriage.

Your own family members may not support you

Sometime after I started helping my mom, I called my younger brother and asked if he could help out. He said he wanted to but I didn’t think anything about who controlled the money in his house. His wife did. To this day, I haven’t received a cent to help out my mom and her expenses.

Money can ruin your relationship with your family.

This also put a strain on our relationship about a year or two ago. I remember asking my brother for some money to help and he took it the wrong way. We didn’t talk for over a year after that incident. We finally started texting recently so he must be over that talk.

There will be surprise expenses

A couple of years after my step-dad passed away, I talked to my mom about her moving closer to me. She was getting older and it made sense to have family nearby. My brother didn’t live close to her since he moved away after college.

When it finally came down to moving my mom, I flew to see her for a week. I had to help her clear out the house and pack her household goods. Some items such as the furniture was staying since she sold the house to a family friend.

Don’t be surprised by the expenses, they’ll be there when you least expect it

She wanted to take her clothes, kitchenware, and several boxes of towels. I couldn’t understand this but she had some sentimental attachments to the towels she received from her church. To this day, the towels are still sitting in the same boxes I packed five years ago.

As the week went on, my mom told me she had arranged for a packing truck to ship her items. For her moving bill, I had to charge this to my credit card since I didn’t even think about shipping her household property and her car. The good thing is her car is paid was off.

You get a crash course on Medicaid, Social Security, and living expenses

My mom understands some things when it comes to her medical expenses but not everything. So I have made calls to different doctors and providers to find what options are available for her.

A few times, I have accompanied her to local offices to get a new driver’s license, applying for medical benefits, and taking her to doctor’s appointments. Fortunately, my mom can still drive herself and she continues to do her own grocery shopping and cooking. One day, I’m sure this will change.

My mom is healthy for her age at 78 years old. She walks on most days in the morning for a few miles. Lasy summer, she fell while walking and an ambulance came to take her home. My mom said she was fine and didn’t need to go to the hospital.

You’ll receive an early lesson on what it feels like to be old

Two days after her fall, her friend called me to say my mom needed to see a doctor since her wrist and hip were hurting. I drove my mom to the hospital and they said she broke a bone in her wrist. For the next two months, I was escorting my mom to her doctor’s appointment for X-rays and medical visits.

In addition, to my own daily tasks, my tasks included my mom’s tasks as well. In most cases, my mom will let me know ahead of time when she had a doctor or dentist appointment. In addition to raising a family, my extended family’s schedule became my schedule as well.

You will give up time to support your parents

If you have read my other articles, you know how much I value time. Time is the object that we use daily and can never get back. I value my time and lose a lot of it when I have errands to do for my mom. Normally it’s not a lot of time but when she broke her wrist, that took a lot of time out of my schedule and changed my routine.

Time is one thing you have and will never get back

When you have to support your parents, be prepared to give up time. It will be hard at first especially if you work and your schedule is not very flexible. You’ll have to make changes to your routine. You may even have to quit or find another job that fits your new schedule.

Inviting your parents to live in your house may not work out

Before my mom moved, I talked to her about living in an apartment nearby. The apartment was about 15 minutes away. With my budget, I was looking for something affordable without breaking the budget. For some reason, when she was able to move into her place, she never did. I ended up canceling the lease and had to pay the cancellation fee.

Initially, my mom spent about three months living in my guest room. My wife thought she could live here with us. This didn’t work out well at all. Between my wife and her and then my mom and me as well as my two kids, this didn’t last very long. My mom had to live in her own place. A few times, I got into heated arguments with my mom as I lost my patience.

You’re an adult and not the little kid you once were

My mom is the type who likes to complain about anything she didn’t like. I got used to it but sometimes got tired of hearing her complaints. At that point, I had to find my mom a place of her own. I’m an adult, and not her little kid anymore.

You can’t invest as much as you want

Though I like to invest, I had to account for my mom’s expenses in my budget. My own investing had to decrease a bit since I added my mom’s expenses into my budget. I was able to make it work but if your budget is limited, you may have to cut back on other things you like or enjoy.

Initially, I was only paying for my mom’s mortgage which eventually became her rent as she moved closer to me. Then I started to pay her car insurance and added her phone bill to my family plan. My mom lives off of social security and it really isn’t a lot of money. There is no way she could afford her apartment as well as her monthly grocery, car insurance, and phone bill.

Be ready for the additional expenses

Social Security states an average person makes $1503 on social security. My mom gets a third of that average. If your parents, didn’t work a high paying job, their social security may not be high as well. My mom also didn’t have any investments and she only knew about saving money in her bank that barely paid anything.

Summary

If you’re not at the age to support your parents, it’s good to have a talk with them. You need to ask them the tough questions and find out where they stand financially. Money may be a taboo subject, but it’s important you ask the tough questions.

  • Do you have a retirement account?
  • Where will you live in the future?
  • Where is your will?
  • Do you have a bank account and who is it with?
  • Who is your doctor?
  • What medications do you take?
  • Who is your life insurance provider?

You don’t have to ask these questions all at once. It may take you little by little until you get a better sense of where your parents stand on these important questions. These questions will only create more questions for you to figure out and to prepare yourself.

Tom Handy is a top writer on Medium, former Quora writer, and father of two kids. He retired from the Army and sits on several non-profit boards. You can find him on Twitter @tomhandy1 and his publication Life is Like a Game.

Life
Self
Family
Parenting
Investing
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