Six Steps to Become Super Famous on Medium

#3 Sip Daiquiris in Coconuts

Oh, you’ve never heard of me? Then this must be a glitch — I bend content algorithms like a Covid curve. Or maybe you’re just not in my target demo. My posts only go where I command them, every time, with 100% curation.

My life is so easy now. I just sip daiquiris by the sunset and watch the dough roll in.

How do I do it? Well, it’s easy. I swear.

I’ll tell you, but promise you won’t share.

It’ll be our little secret. It’s such a simple process. You don’t need to overthink.

Step One

Quit your job in epic fashion. A single incendiary tweet. Berate your boss. Criticize your company. Stick it to the man. Take back your voice for the entire generation.

The meltdown needs to be as public as it is inflammatory. Maximum collateral damage is key. Mutually assured reputational destruction is the only way to be successful.

How else would you build a following to capitalize on?

Really? Hard work? Aren’t you precious. We both know that no one’s going to follow you unless they feel like you’re a wounded little duckling that needs some TLC.

Everyone needs a charity case. Haven’t you ever seen Sarah Mclaghlan and the dogs? It’s just like that only you’re the dog.

It would be reckless and irresponsible to deny all those empaths the opportunity to love you.

Step Two

Move somewhere exotic. With a beach and tiki huts. Fire dancers at sunset always help to punch up posts.

Get a tan. Lock down a local to boost authenticity. Heavily document participation in customs. Save for later.

Just make sure your island is very remote. My strategy only works if you’re somewhere with intermittent wifi. Why?

You need to draw people in. No one’s going to want to follow you if you’re easy to reach.

Step Three

Brag about the low cost of living and your boundless freedoms. Always remind followers that you work on your terms while monkeys bring you frozen daiquiris in freshly hacked coconuts with tiny pink umbrellas.

Compensate the monkeys with Instagram cameos.

Yes, even the monkeys are piggybacking on Insta-fame these days.

Step Four

You’ve been working hard. Take a break. Travel the world and take lots of pictures. Save the pictures for later.

Publish posts with the pictures once every month. This will maximize efficiency and give the appearance that you’re constantly jetsetting.

Step Five

Cliquebait is for chumps. I don’t even write my headlines. Just farm them out to a content sweatshop, preferably staffed by kids somewhere far away.

It is absolutely critical that your content shop be far, far away. Conscience kills creativity and will ruin your ocean view.

Step Six

Content is still king, but marketing is his mistress.

Pay Facebook to target entitled urban Wasps who are disillusioned and disgruntled in corporate jobs. Convert them with How To courses about “taking back your life.”

Promise them exotic beaches with monkeys and daiquiris.

Kick back, enjoy the view and watch the dough roll in.

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NOTE: @RussellWeigandt is not remotely famous, and no monkeys were harmed during the production of this post.