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Six Shocking Truths About Doc Funny Meetings
We’ll let you in on some secrets
I’ve read Bossypants by Tina Fey. And Amy Poehler’s Yes Please. I know all about the inner workings of comedy creation.
According to – well, everyone – collab idea-generating meetings always involve whiskey, snorting (both laughter and white powder), and mind-exploding brainstorming. Oh yeah, and sessions always end with tumbling about piles of cash. I also know this because it’s exactly what goes on during weekly Doc Funny Editorial Staff Meetings.
Ideas are pitched. At least every thirty seconds one of us piddles our pants. Well, I’m the only one wearing pants since I’m the only one who has to get dressed before noon and haul themselves to an actual job. They just piss on whatever and beckon their undocumented housekeepers with “rápido! rápido! con paños de seda!”
Comedic tête-à-têtes soaked in laughter, whiz, and cold hard cash. That’s definitely Doc Funny style.
Shocker #1
I’m lying. Not with respect to María José and Alejandra who are paid in cash. No, I’m fibbing about the hilarity of our meetings. The shocking truth is that ain’t our reality. We’re really not that funny. Seriously.
Shocker #2
Kristine Laco, more organized than a church picnic, is like some f-bomb-dropping Abbess. She rules Russian-style with iron ovaries in one hand and an eco-friendly bamboo bong in the other.
“I’m corraling the salmon as we learn how to skate,” she sighs, between tokes.
I can hear deep breaths pulled inwards. They’re the same ones that escape when her ladyboners flare.
Shocker #3
You have to ingest some sort of hallucinogenic with Michael Burg, MD (AKA Medium Michael Burg) around. Oh, he may come off as some Big Balls to the Wall Alpha male but really, he’s a super-sensitive lil bunny. One who needs to be snuggled and handfed mini carrots diced into edible bits. Thankfully, I can handle it. Even when he spews out, “No pressure — until tomorrow”. Because, being a public school teacher, I have a hardy helper called Stash of Xanax.
Shocker #4
The lobster I’d asked to be flown in fresh didn’t arrive until three hours after our agenda-ruled convo. The red M&Ms hadn’t been removed from my Costco-bag-sized treat.
What the hell low-brow farce is this?
I’m at work during our phone meetings so I’m forced to contort myself into a polypropylene chair the size of a 6-year-old’s butt. I share my office with 7 other staff members so I must whisper — for some antiquated reason or other, my fellow teachers don’t like when I blurt out “clusterfucks”.
I end up saying sorry a lot — even if it’s Michael who gave the pilot the wrong address. I’m Canadian, so along with adding Us we tend to apologize continuously. Sorry, K & M, but you need to get your shit together.
Shocker #5
Doctor Funny has a goal. I know, I know — it sounds so Deepak Chopra-ish. Ask the Universe. And all that other Rhonda Byrne Secret shit. I’d rub patchouli onto my seven chakras but we have a no-scent policy. Plus, the last time essential oils met my Third Eye I was legally blind for a week. But back to our objective.
“We’re trying to establish ourselves as one of the Top 5 Humor Sites on Medium.”
Either Kristine or Michael said. I’m not sure which. The carcinogenic red dye from the M&Ms was infiltrating my blood-brain barrier and fogging any cerebral activity.
Oh. A goal? What a grandiose idea.
Shocker #6
We all agree. Pressing “don’t accept” on someone’s “word baby” is harder than our Elsa-hearts thought it would be. Remember when your Dad, bending you over his knobby knee, muttered, “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you”? Yeah, it’s like that.
Honestly, we’re not complete assholes. None of us like saying no all that much because somehow, it just feels wrong. But, like shaving lady chin hairs when you’re over 30, it needs to be done. Here’s why.
When we follow standards, it allows us to establish, measure and assure a level of quality, and predictability. Brad Malone
We want the best, we expect the best, and we are the best. You may have heard me gagging a little as I typed that.
But in all truth — we aim to be 1 of the top 5 and we’re also here to help you achieve your best. Which has to be better than we are. Because who the hell else talks about salmon skating? Or needs their orange snacky-poos slice-and-diced? Or just vomited slimy, ammonia-smelling lobster onto their students’ spelling tests? The shocking truth is — not you.
©Jennifer J. McDougall 2022
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