Six Life-Changing Things I Wish I Knew When I Was A Teenager

Why aren’t we telling others these facts, and why do we often get dirty looks when we discuss it?

Did anyone else have a childhood or teenage life that was totally fucked up because of the narrative that was pushed on us? I know I did. I was told several things would be unequivocally true:

1. If you work hard and have a good career, people will love you. The corollary: no one will care about you if you don’t have a good career. Your social skills don’t matter. Money matters more.
2. You were going to have kids, or else you’re defective. We were all told that we would have kids and that we would want them. If we said we didn’t want them, we were told that we were too young to make that choice and we’d change our minds later.
3. You had to act like the gender you were born as, or you’re defective. I dealt with this a lot as a preteen. But, regular readers already know this.
4. The popular crowd will be broke when they’re adults. Studies show otherwise, kthnxbye.
5. To be successful and happy, you had to go to college, be popular, wear the right clothes, and get married. This has been proven to be pretty toxic advice for many people.

The truth is that most of us have heard at least one of these growing up, often from well-meaning Boomers. By now, most of us realize that these tautologies and “truisms” are patently false.

There are so many things I wish adults had told me back in the day. Yet, none of them said the things that really should have been said.

I’m going to be different. You better believe that I’ll be telling my daughter these truth bombs. Will you?

Your right to defend your body and your peace trumps others’ needs for politeness.

I’m a firm believer in the art of self-defense, and I mean that in both physical altercations and verbal abuse. Your child needs to not be told to just ignore bullying, or worse, to “be nicer to people” so they’ll stop.

We all know that shit doesn’t work. You need to know how to defend yourself against all sorts of trouble. This includes:

• Physical combat. My daughter has been taking karate classes for ages, and I’ve insisted that she continues that study. Anyone who says violence is not the answer has never been in a situation where it’s “live or die.”
• Emotional combat. The Grey Rock Method is great for narcissists, while learning how to drop people who display red flags is a universal option. In the case of a school bully, you should teach your kid how to document abuse and bring it to a lawyer.
• Legal combat. What happens if your child is accused of something they didn’t do? What happens if your child is getting abused at school? These days, a lawyer may need to be involved. I personally wish I’d sued my school. Then again, I had parents who worked there so it wasn’t that easy.
• Sexual safety. Birth control, consent, and sex rights are all vital topics for kids to know. This includes shunning the act of slut-shaming and recognizing it for the terrible behavior it is.
• Financial combat and safety. As women’s salaries continue to increase to parity, more and more men will choose financial abuse as a way to control their partners. Regardless of gender, you need to teach your kid how to keep money safe, how to grow wealth, and what they need to make a living.

Along with these types of defense, I drive home a major point that people don’t like to acknowledge. That point? No one is entitled to your time if you do not want to help them or be around them.

Other peoples’ inconvenience is not your emergency.

Regardless of how “good” you want to be in life, there will be people who will not want you to behave a certain way. They will bitch at you, moan, and try to make you feel terrible for not giving into their demands.

Whether it’s rejecting a date you don’t want to go on, refusing to wear your hair a certain way, or choosing a lifestyle they don’t like doesn’t matter. What matters is that you realize their inconvenience is not your emergency.

They can browbeat you, shun you, or berate you all they want. At the end of the day, you are going to be the one to live with the decisions you make — not them. As a result, you should always put your own desires, goals, and dreams first.

Let them die mad. You’re the one who has to live that life, so you might as well make it happen on your terms.

All love is conditional.

It doesn’t matter whether you are male or female. The love you get from other living beings will always be conditional.

Sometimes, the conditions are unattainable — such as being a billionaire or being a size 000. Other times, the conditions are very reasonable — such as being a good friend, being fun to talk to, or just living a stable life.

Anyone who says love can be unconditional needs to realize something. The basis of every friendship and relationship is treating one another well. Every relationship is a form of partnership.

If you think animals can provide unconditional love, think again. If you hit and starve an animal, they will turn on you. They love you on the condition that you care for them, pet them, and feed them.

Take a look at the friendships and relationships around you. Are you getting something out of those partnerships? Do you enjoy being around those people?

If the only thing you’re getting out of it is saying you have someone to be around, that’s not a friendship. Relationships should be enjoyable, uplifting, and non-abusive. Keep those conditions in mind and you’ll be okay.

Being consistent is the easiest way to master anything.

If you want to become great at anything, do it every day and take an occasional class from a person who’s learned more than you. Believe it or not, I regularly read articles on how to be a better writer…and I’m a pro.

Keep learning, keep practicing. You will end up being a hundred times better than a typical “natural” if you do. The biggest difference between the most successful people I know and the average Joe is not giving up on learning and doing.

Don’t judge someone on who they could become, judge them for who they are and the pattern of how they treat you as of late.

There have been so many moments in my life where I stayed around toxic people just because they used to treat me well. Or, I would try to curry their favor because they might do the same for me in the future.

In reality, these people were treating me like shit and using me. It was an established pattern — often a cycle of abuse. Most Millennials were told to “be nice” and maybe bullies would stop being shitty to them.

I really wish that people would have told me that crocodile tears were a thing, and how the cycle of abuse happens. The truth is, I was surrounded by people who wouldn’t have benefit if I understood these things.

People can change, but most of the time, they won’t change how they treat you. Rare is the person who changes for the better — and truthfully, it’s not your job to stick around and find out.

It’s amazing how different peoples’ behavior registers to you when you stop thinking about how you want them to be, and focus on how they really are. When you realize that you’re being abused, it’s a lot easier for you to cut ties.

Social skills and personality are more important than people want to admit.

Remember when I said that I was repeatedly told that money would get me love and friends? Yeah, about that…No. No, money does not work that way. You can’t buy loyalty or friendship — no matter how much others may say so.

Money can come and go. What doesn’t leave so easily is your personality and your social skills. If money made everyone popular, then you wouldn’t hear about rich men marrying poor women who later take them for all they’re worth.

How much you earn won’t affect your value in the social world — at least, in most cases. I’ve seen wealthy CEOs who everyone hated. I’ve also seen piss-broke guys who literally were able to live off the kindness of others who adored them.

However, the same cannot be said about your social skills and personality. Your ability to connect to others, talk to people, listen to them, and win them over absolutely can be a source of major income.

Sales is an example of a career where social skills rule. Another example? Sex work. Yet another? Being a therapist. Want another? Sweet. Be a manager, because you’ll need to communicate there, too.

With all that said, I don’t have all the answers.

No one does. Perhaps my bone to pick with the stuff I was taught as a kid was the fact that they drove home that there was only one path to success. That’s just not true!

There are as many ways to live as there are people. There are just as many paths to success as there are people too. I just wish we would let kids discover which path serves them the best.

This was originally published in my Substack. Subscribe now!