Simple Ways To Improve Your Conversation Skills and Enhance Your Connections

Don’t be that eejit always talking about themselves

Their conversation captivated me.

It wasn’t what they were saying but how they responded to each other. Or, rather — how they weren’t responding.

The first lady described a horrific-sounding vehicle collision she had just heard about. She expressed her shock and disbelief that such an accident could happen to someone she knew. She was audibly shaken.

As soon as a pause presented itself, the second lady jumped in with a “that sounds like …” story. She then gave an account of a vehicle collision involving someone close to her many years ago.

I sensed this was her attempt at reaching out and showing support, but boy, was she miles from the mark.

I squirmed in my seat.

The first lady was seeking connection, empathy, and comfort. The second lady might have thought she was giving this by verbalising a comparable story. But by doing so, she severed their connection with an invisible machete.

The second lady simply changed the subject to herself: no follow-up questions or engagement with the initial story.

There was no empathy.

When the first lady spoke again, she didn’t comment or react to the story the second lady relayed. Her words boomeranged back to her own vehicle collision story.

And so this conversation continued, like individual train tracks, each in parallel with each other and never coming together.

I wonder how indicative it is of most conversations today?

Interested and interesting

At the most basic level, a strong conversationalist is both interested in what others are saying and interesting themselves. They add value to the conversation.

There are many variables at play when it comes to our conversation skills. I am a talkative person. I find it easy to start a conversation with others and carry it through a natural progression.

But this doesn’t necessarily make me a good conversationalist.

It’s only with insight and hindsight I’ve learned to recognise my weaknesses. This has helped me improve and develop my conversational skills.

Yes, I’m that weirdo who regularly analyses her conversation skills.

Do I talk for an appropriate time, or do I hog the conversation? Do I listen and ask relevant questions? Do I show understanding and empathy? Do I harness the power of silence? Or do I jump in to fill this?

And, perhaps the biggest teller of all — how do I react when conversations are not going as expected? What do I do when I feel triggered or agitated?

Please stop speaking over each other

My idea of hell is a busy environment where no one is listening and everyone is talking over each other. This atmosphere gives me the itch. I shrink away. I do not compete. Rather, I withdraw into my shell and switch off.

A wonderful friend shared a gem of a podcast with me. It’s hosted by Glennan Doyle and called “Real Talk: How we can begin using real conversation as a key to unlocking each other.”

It blew my mind.

It articulates my thoughts on conversation perfectly. This podcast teaches us new skills and develops us as conversationalists.

Glennan hooks me in immediately with her opening.

“It strikes me that everybody is talking and nobody is listening to each other.”

5 ways to improve your conversation skills

The podcast discusses five key conversational habits we can improve on. I find resonance in each one; they are talking points in themselves. So let’s go through them.

1) Interrupting

How do you feel when someone interrupts you and talks over you?

Interrupting someone is a sure way to enrage them and stifle a conversation.

When we interrupt someone, it feels like a violation to them. It’s almost as if the interrupter asserts themselves as having greater importance.

Interpreters are entitled. They feel entitled to insert their views over and above those of the person already speaking.

I am a recovering interrupter.

From my perspective, it’s not that I think my input takes precedence over anyone else’s. In fact, quite the contrary. Often, my excitement at being part of an energising conversation leads me to want to prove myself. To force a connection, to show myself as valid and worthy of being in such a conversation.

So I try too hard.

Abby, Glennan’s wife, says something similar in the podcast. She talks about interrupting often coming from a desperate need to fit in and feel seen.

But here’s the thing. Very often, people who interrupt are so preoccupied with having their say that they don’t follow the organic growth and flow of a conversation. This can stagnate a conversation by holding it back from its natural development.

Sometimes, we miss a gap in a conversation, and the topics morph and expand. We miss our opportunity to say our piece. Learn to be ok with this. It’s better to go with the flow of the conversation than assaulting it with an interruption.

Of course, there are exceptions to this. My neurodivergent friend says her neurodivergence makes it difficult to stop interrupting and recognise the rules surrounding this.

Interrupting someone to ask a question is a sign of interest in France.

2) Talk time awareness

Those active in my life about a decade ago may laugh at me for having the gall to discuss talk time awareness. Back then, my talk time awareness monitor was defunct. I blabbed on and on, but in my defense, this was more indicative of social anxiety.

Conversations can become toxic when one person dominates without any self-awareness. This can lose others. They may be physically present but are vacuous inside, waiting for the talk-time hogger to stop.

Talk time hoggers may present with a sense of entitlement to talk time. At best, they are assertive in a conversation. At worst, they are domineering.

Some people are naturally more talkative than others. But, we can learn to be sensitive to this and use our communication skills to draw others into a conversation. It does not mean we can cipher off the talk time of those who appear less talkative and use it ourselves.

Extroverts and introverts function very differently. We also all vary with the speed of our talking.

I am a fast talker. Previously, I believed all silences in conversations required filling. Now, I recognize these are an opportunity to reflect and gather our thoughts before speaking.

A five-second silence may seem like a lifetime to some. To others, this is enough time to collect their thoughts and feel able to enter into a conversation.

Think of your most recent conversations. They could be in a business or personal setting. Were you aware at the time of your talk time? On reflection, are you aware now?

Being mindful of our talk time, we can learn to slow ourselves down and use silence to encourage others into the conversation.

3) Keeping confidences

Evolutionary psychologists suggest gossip has its roots in our survival. In a social setting, we shared information on who had food, who was ill, and who could help us.

Gossip is enticing and exciting—junk food for the brain. Sometimes we can’t resist. We often gossip to prove our worth, to obtain validation for knowing the “thing” first.

But, it goes without saying that anything said to us in confidence, should stay there. Gossip isn’t always negative; most gossip is positive or neutral. Talking about anyone else, without them being present, is gossip.

Sharing secrets helps human cohesion. But, if these secrets are not yours to share, the reverse can happen. You may inadvertently lose the trust of the people in the conversation. If you can break someone else's confidence, you can just as easily do it to them.

“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people” — Eleanor Roosevelt

There is also the danger of gossip being slanderous.

In a previous job, apparently, I was sleeping with my boss. Everyone knew, except for me.

Be cautious with speaking about others if they are not present. Of course, there are many times when this is acceptable or even necessary. But, by keeping this in check, you will keep the trust of others.

4) Know when to make it about you and when not to

This is fascinating — on average, we spend 60% of our conversation talking about ourselves. And why? Because according to scientists, it feels good, and it fires up the same area of our brain as sex, drugs, and good food!

So, on the one hand, self-disclosure is a good thing. Sharing our vulnerabilities, fears, joys, hopes, and struggles is positive. It helps us cultivate bonds in our relationships.

However, on the other hand, if someone is confiding in us, this is not a time for our own self-disclosure.

It can be a natural human reaction to search through our experience bank and bring out a comparison to try and illustrate our understanding.

All this does is make the other person feel invisible and invalidated.

Suppose someone is talking about their divorce or a recent bereavement. Even if we have endured a similar event, our personal experiences are almost irrelevant.

In this situation, our role is to listen, ask questions, and recognise that, irrespective of our lived experiences, we can not know how this person feels.

The two ladies’ conversation at the start is an example of knowing when to make the conversation about you and when not to.

The second lady tried to use her own experience to connect with the first lady. But instead, it created a division.

We don’t need to come up with our own experience or story to meet someone on their level.

Showing up for others in their time of need and focusing on them in conversation will help them feel seen, listened to, and supported.

5) Ask better questions

The podcast ended with the final conversation tip: ask better questions. My heart soared.

We are responsible for the conversations around us.

If I want to know how a friend is, I don’t ask them how they are. I ask them alternatives, such as “What colour is your world?” or “What is today’s song?”

People are Aladdin’s caves; if only we knew how to tap into their treasure. Well, we can start by being creative with our questions.

Instead of asking, “How was your day?” ask, “Did anything happen today that changed your energy?”

This opens up the conversation and leads to deeper honesty and greater self-reflection. It creates wonderful cohesion through conversation

This is not an exhaustive list

These five conversational tips are by no means an exhaustive list. However, they are a great place to improve our conversations and deepen our connections.

I would also like to add the importance of keeping an open mind in a conversation. Fighting to be “right” is not conducive to connection or growth.

Asking inciteful questions, listening to the answers, and responding appropriately allows us to improve the quality of our relationships.

What conversational tips would you add?