Silent Treatment Can be Abusive

Today at work, my co-worker told me that she and her husband were in a fight and she had been ignoring him for a week. This personal account struck a chord with me. It left me a sense of sadness and empathy.

I then told her a little story about my experience of being stonewalled by the one I loved.

It is the fourth time I got shut out from the communication by my boyfriend.

The first time, I experienced two weeks of stonewalling; from the second time onward, it lasted for more than a month. I got the same feelings every time I got shut out –frustrated, sad, rejected and devalued.

He didn’t seem to care about me or what I had to say. I was uncomfortable with the ‘silent treatment’. I hated him being silent. I would just confess to everything and anything, apologise, and tell him that I would not do anything to upset him.

I saw his uncommunicativeness as sophistication, but the last time it happened, I realised it may be manipulation.

Unintentional stonewalling

Sometimes, stonewalling is a learned response that partners use to cope with complex or emotional issues. People who stonewall may do so to avoid escalating a fight or avoiding discussing an uncomfortable topic. At that time, they may feel psychologically overwhelmed. They also might be afraid of their partner’s reaction.

Intentional stonewalling

There is a slight chance that your partner is stonewalling to manipulate a situation or to punish you. In this case, they need to break this terrible and painful habit.

I thought he might need to “check out” when he’s flooded with negativity.

My partner didn’t like tensions, arguments or conflicts. He didn’t speak out for himself often. So, at first, I think this might be his natural reaction.

He kept shutting down emotionally because he was trying to protect himself — and me — from further hurt.

However, this ‘silent treatment’ was getting abusive.

The presumption was that he did not mean to freeze me out. I felt like I had done something terrible and shouldered all the blame. I lost my self-esteem. I kept putting myself in his shoes and understanding why I was being shut out by the one I love.

After apologising and doing everything I could, he started talking to me again, apologising for stonewalling me for the past month. However, we never got back to talk about the issue.

Never. He avoided it.

I thought I was okay. But the distress and anguish were still there. These feelings were never resolved. The way he tried to block me from his circle escalated — once, he blocked me on social media and my calls.

I told my co-worker that not everyone is patient when being stonewalled,

“Your husband might not understand why you shut them out. It can make him angry or frustrated, and he may retaliate with his own silent treatment, or he may even withdraw from you. Stonewalling the one you love is a destructive way of communication. When you are upset and shut down — deliberately or as a defence mechanism — it doesn’t solve the problem”.

Knowing what to do when someone shuts you out is a learning process. What to do when someone you love shuts down?

• Pause the conversation for a while to give yourself a break or put it on hold.
• Jot down your thoughts and emotions to review at a later time.
• Remain composed and collected.
• Avoid seeking revenge or responding negatively.
• Refrain from displaying immature behaviour or acting out like a tantrum-prone adult.
• Engage in activities that comfort you and help you relax (writing and writing on Medium!)
• Reflect on the possibility of seeking assistance from a professional.

One last point: Do not let your partner emotionally abuse you.