Summary

The author discusses the struggle with an inner critic stemming from past trauma and abuse, the impact on their writing, and the support that helps manage self-doubt.

Abstract

The author shares a personal battle with a harsh inner critic, which manifests as self-destructive thoughts, partly due to past traumas where their work was destroyed by significant others. After a period of silence, the author resumed writing with the encouragement of a supportive spouse. Despite moments of self-criticism, the author acknowledges the importance of not letting these negative voices dominate. They advocate for understanding the source of one's inner critic to better manage it and suggest that support systems can aid in healing and overcoming self-doubt.

Opinions

The author believes that their inner critic originates from negative reinforcement and abuse from past relationships.
They express that self-criticism, in moderation, can be beneficial for personal growth but becomes harmful when it becomes excessive.
The author values the support of their current spouse, who acts as a buffer against negative self-perception.
They suggest that while it may not be possible to completely silence the inner critic, it is crucial not to let it control one's actions or self-worth.
The author implies that healing is a continuous process and that support systems, like a loving partner, can significantly aid in overcoming past traumas and silencing the inner critic.

What Can We Do To Silence Our Inner Critic?

Can we stop the endless self-destruction?

I wake more often than I want to admit with the echoes of words swirling in my brain.

They are the most horrendous, self-destructive things a writer, or any creator really can say to themselves.

I suck. I’m terrible at what I do and I should give it all up. Why do I even bother? No one is going to read it, anyway.

They whisper. They soothe. In a strange way, they’re as familiar as my skin.

They exist for a reason, and it’s not a good one.

It took a long time for me to realize I was parroting the words other people told me throughout my life.

I believe one reason I am my own worst critic is because I was taught to be that way. Isn’t that a terrible thing to do to someone?

I have a lot of PTSD with my writing. Twice in my life, my books, short stories and articles were all destroyed or lost completely. Both times, it was because people who once claimed to love me and want the best for me turned abusive and heinous.

One threw everything into a bonfire, screaming they were doing it for my own good. The other stole it all when she left the relationship, and I never saw her, or my words, again.

I stopped writing for a long time after that. I couldn’t do it to myself anymore. The last thing I wanted was for my heart to be put on the path of destruction once again.

For a while, I let those people win.

When I started writing anew, it was because a spouse who loved me for me gave her support freely. She is my cheerleader. She acts as my first line of defence, always wanting me to do my best because she knows I can.

She’s become my “idea-bouncer-offer,” my proofreader, and my constant companion, and I cannot say insufficient words how much she has altered my life.

Even with that, though, the self-abuse and loathing kick in without my beck. It begs me to listen, and when I don’t, it forces me to pay attention.

Does it happen to you, too?

Sometimes I have to let the voices scream.

I give in to it sometimes. I hate to say that, but I always aim to be truthful with my words. It’s not as bad now as it used to be, and it happens with less frequency. But it still crops up when I am not paying attention.

Usually, it’s when I feel I am the most secure. I see a little success happening and get a hopeful gleam in my eye, only to have that stupid self-imposed destroyer of pride come crashing in.

It’s a frustrating thing, my friend. It hurts.

I have learned to let it run for a while. If I don’t, it’s only going to get worse. Sometimes, when there is a large fire, they create breaks to stop it in its tracks. That’s similar to what happens inside when these thoughts come.

I have to let them burn so they won’t be as bad later.

I know it hurts my sweet wife to see me go through it. She worries for me, but she also knows my patterns. She’s seen them happen enough to have a good feeling for what’s going on inside. Her voice eventually comes through louder than that from within, helping me bury it once more.

It’s okay to have self-criticism, as long as it doesn’t go too far.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a healthy dose of self-criticism. It’s what keeps us on our toes and pushes us to always do better the next time we work. There are times, though, it gets out of control and we need to foster an alternative path within.

It helps to understand where the deep critic comes from, though. In my case, it’s from my past. Those people who did everything they could to destroy my creativity still, unfortunately, have a small space inside my brain.

I know it, though, and it doesn’t take me long to tell them to shut that door and be quiet.

Is it possible to exorcize the demons?

I don’t know if I will ever exorcise those demons. Maybe I never will. They might be with me for the rest of my days, constantly buzzing in my ear when I am tired or feeling a little down.

They don’t have to rule the house, though. That’s my job.

What about you? Do you know where your critical voice comes from? Is there anything you can do to quell that beast?

I hope so. Having the support system I do now has worked miracles. Perhaps a little more healing can make these still-open wounds nothing more than scars.

Mental Health and Wellness

Any stories I write regarding mental health, trauma, PTSD, and anything relating to it.

irarobinson.medium.com

About me:

I am an author with over a dozen books and dozens of short stories published. I have experience with both traditional and self-publishing and love to discuss the pros and cons of both.

Why do I write? Because I am blind and live on low disability payments each month. The government graced me with trying to live on about $700 per month, and I decided to start publishing because it’s a way to supplement.

If you like my work and feel inclined to support it, please consider buying me a Ko-Fi.

Thank you from the depths of my soul for being here. Keep striving to “be the best you that you can be” at this moment.