Accept it: You’ve been ghosted

Stop holding on to something that’s already gone. Know the signs of being ghosted so you can protect your heart.

by: E.B. Johnson

Relationships can be tricky to balance and manage, and that’s especially true when it comes to their endings. It’s not always easy to walk away and the pressure of it can often become too much to handle. In these instances, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves being “ghosted” — or otherwise left standing in the lurch with our hearts broken and no explanation. Overcoming this type of relationship breakdown requires us to dig deep and look inward. We are not responsible for the behaviors of others. The only reactions we can control are our own.

Once we see ghosting for what it is, we can separate ourselves from the blame and get focused on finding solutions for our wellbeing. People don’t disappear on us because they’re mean or nasty. We’re all just broken individuals who are doing the best we can to manage the fear, anxiety and hardship that plagues our lives. When someone chooses to walk away from us, it’s for the best. The only way to see that, however, is to begin the process of boundary setting and self-realization. You are enough without the validation of anyone else. Only you can accept that.

No one likes being disappointed.

No one sets out looking for heartbreak when they begin looking for love. It’s a natural part of the process, though, and one that we have to accept. Not every relationship is meant to be a blinding success; not every partnership we discover is meant to thrive. Most of our romantic endeavors are learning curves meant to send us in the direction of the partners we actually want and deserve. When things come to an end, it’s unpleasant, but it’s doubly so when we find ourselves ghosted and standing there with no explanation.

Ghosting occurs when the people that we love (or are romantically interested in) withdraw from us either emotionally or physically. They disappear from our lives and they seemingly do it with willful intention. It’s painful, because it’s clear that they don’t want to be with us, but they also don’t give us closure.

No one likes being let down, but it’s a natural part of the process. Once you begin to see and understand ghosting for what it is, you can start to take action to safeguard your heart and your mental wellbeing. People ghost us out of fear, and they ghost us out of selfish avoidance. If we want to move past our emotional attachment to their behavior, we have to set some boundaries for ourselves and learn to see the silver lining. Letting go isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. Releasing the ghosts in our lives gives us the confidence to move freely toward our futures.

Why they go for the ghosting option.

Our partners ghost us for different reasons, and these vary from case to case. Most commonly, however, we find ourselves dumped with no explanation because the people that we love are overwhelmed by their fear and their tendency for conflict avoidance. The better we come to understand this reasoning, the more healing compassion we can unlock within ourselves (and for ourselves).

Overwhelmed by fear

Breaking up with someone is scary. For most people, breaking hearts is uncomfortable. Even when it’s the right thing to do, the action feels “wrong” or like we’re doing something “bad” when we’re in the midst of it. Letting someone down is never an enjoyable experience, and it can create a real sense of fear and anxiety in us. When this fear becomes too much to bear (or the anxiety starts riding high) our partners can find themselves opting for the easiest answer: ghosting us, rather than answering for their decision.

Selfish in nature

You may not want to admit it to yourself yet, but some people ghost us simply because they’re selfish. They don’t care about you. They don’t care about your future. They don’t care how their disappearance effects, or how long your journey back to wholeness is going to take. This type of person is someone who is only looking out for themselves. A selfish nature never bodes well for a happy relationship, but it becomes especially toxic when it comes to calling things quit.

Conflict avoidance

Avoidance behaviors are basically the maladaptive form of coping that requires us to change our behavior in order to stop ourselves from thinking of or feeling things that make us feel uncomfortable. When you know you have to break up with someone — but you also know they’re going to be upset — it’s hard to take action and face the pain that you’re causing. For this reason, some people avoid the entire process altogether. They opt to “ghost” and disappear; leaving the other person with zero resolution or closure.

Zero consequences

Some people jump casually from relationship to relationship, leaving wreckage and emotional devastation everywhere behind them. They ghost one partner and then the next, moving on once they’ve gotten what they wanted, or the attention that they craved. This kind of toxic attachment and destruction comes because these people have learned that there’re no consequences for their actions. People are desperate for love, so they see what they want to see. This makes it easy to take, take, take and then walk away.

Self-care

Like it or not, sometimes our partners ghost us because it’s the best form of self-care they can manage. This means that they are walking away because, frankly, something about you doesn’t sit right with them. This isn’t a bad thing or a good thing. It just is. We’re not always everyone’s cup of tea — and that’s okay. We weren’t meant to be liked by every single person on this planet, and they weren’t meant to be liked by us. Sometimes, cutting someone off and walking away is a matter of self-care more than anything else.

Common signs you’ve been ghosted.

Though we tend to think of ghosting as a complete physical and verbal withdrawal, it can actually be insidiously more subtle than that. Ghosting isn’t just about that Tinder date, never replying to your text. We can be ghosted in a number of ways by everyone from close friends to our coworkers.

Always canceling plans

Has your love interest started canceling plans, or coming up with excuses not to see you? Physical distance is one of the common signs that you’re being ghosted. Because your former partner knows that they’re no longer interested, they can feel a great sense of guilt that makes them uncomfortable in your presence. For this reason they withdraw and stop putting themselves in that position. Canceling plans becomes the norm and little-by-little, they emotionally detach from the relationship as a whole.

Drying up the conversation

Because we hear the term “ghosting” we tend to think of the experience as a complete severing, but it can also be a process with different levels of withdrawal. Among these is an evaporation of communication. While you might still find yourself the presence of a distanced lover, you might notice that the conversation has completely dried up. They either avoid talking to you outright, or they keep things brisk and detached when they are forced to interact with you. The keyword here is forced.

Avoidance as standard

Avoidance is one of the most common signs of ghosting, and it’s especially common when it comes to getting ghosted by people who are still a part of our interpersonal circles. For example, a coworker or a mutual friend may not be able to cut you out of their life completely. What they can do though is minimize their time with you and do everything they can to avoid you. This might mean canceling plans, or calling in sick. But it might just mean keeping as much awkward space between you as possible.

Inability to make plans

As couples, we have to make plans in order to stay connected and focused on our futures. If a partner suddenly stops making plans with you, or they refuse outright to make plans with you it can be a serious red flag. Maybe they are always “busy”. Maybe they always have an emergency at work or at home. Whatever it is, these excuses indicate someone who is pulling out and pulling away…without giving you an honest explanation.

Social media freeze out

Has the person you’ve fallen for disappeared on social media? While it might be possible that they’ve decided to take a social media sabbatical, it’s highly unlikely that they would do so without telling you (if you were actually that important in their lives). What this usually indicates is someone who doesn’t want you to see or know what they’re up to in their personal lives. They’re severing ties in a very painful and public way — but the message is hard to deny.

Complete disappearance

When it comes to ghosting, the most common sign (and the one we are perhaps most used to seeing) is that of a complete physical and emotional withdrawal. This is someone who is in our life one moment and then gone the next. They don’t reply to phone calls or texts. They don’t show up to events. We don’t see them again, nor do we hear from them. They block us on all social media and disappear as though they never existed at all. Traditionally something that is done in newer relationships, this is an extremely painful form of breakup to manage.

How to deal when you’ve been ghosted by someone you care about.

Think you’ve been ghosted? Or think the ghosting hammer is about to fall on your relationship? Take action now and protect your emotional and mental wellbeing. The more proactive you get, the softer the blow will become. Stop internalizing the guilt and let go of your pain. You’re the only person with the power to move yourself forward from this moment.

1. Stop internalizing (before you start)

In the wake of a brand-new ghosting, it’s easy to start questioning yourself or what you might have done to make things go wrong. The problem with this, however, is that ghosting involves a unilateral decision. While a relationship might fail due to the efforts of both parties, the responsibility of this toxic type of breakup lies with one person and one person alone: the partner who decides to walk away without a word of explanation of acknowledgement.

Drop the blame game and stop internalizing every negative detail of your relationship. While you certainly need to consider any areas in which you could make improvements, you are not responsible for taking on the weight of someone else’s mismanaging of their behavior.

Deal with your own baggage and leave the rest to the person who made the decision to walk away. There is nothing wrong with you simply because they decided that they wanted something else. Is the Corvette on the car lot worth less when the mini-van sells? Look at the facts for what they are and know — in your heart of hearts — that this person was not meant to be a permanent figure in your life. Those who love us don’t leave us looming in the lurch.

2. Accept the truth

Before you can move forward, you have to accept the truth and embrace it for its unwavering value. Because ghosting provides us no closure, many of us can create false senses of hope that then fortify toxic (and even more untrue) narratives. We build these stories up in our head and start to believe that “maybe they’ll come back”. You shouldn’t want them back, though. You shouldn’t want anyone back that cares so little for your happiness.

Accept the truth and accept it with raw brutality. People who want us to make it clear that they want us. Those who want to be with us do what they have to in order to create that reality. The same goes for their withdrawal. If they’ve disappeared, it’s because they wanted to. If they aren’t around you — it’s because they don’t want to be.

Embrace the truth for what it is. Accept that the person that you cared for has made the conscious choice to unilaterally end your relationship. Don’t argue with yourself and don’t argue with them. See things for what they are. The sooner you embrace reality, the sooner you can step up to the plate for yourself and start proactively building the life (and relationships) that create meaning and value. Clinging to a partner who’s disappeared only keeps us chained to the past.

3. Set boundaries for yourself

Boundaries are a crucial part of any relationship, but they become especially important when it comes to our romantic relationships. Our emotions are linked closely to our needs, and we need our boundaries and our limitations to protect those needs and our wellbeing. We must be clear about our boundaries, both with ourselves and with those we are closest to.

Before you take any big steps, dig deep and get real about what you want from your relationship, both emotional and physical. Consider what behaviors from a partner make you feel good, and what makes you feel undervalued. 3 and no-go points for yourself. Understand that it’s okay not to compromise on the big stuff.

What you want from a partner matters, and what you need matters even more. If they wanted to see you — they would. If they wanted to talk to you — they would. Stop making excuses for people who don’t respect your boundaries. Stop pushing your limits further and further back for people who are able to walk away from you with little respect and no consideration for your needs.

4. Focus on you for a change

One of the best things you can do for yourself in the wake of any painful romantic severing is to focus on your health and your happiness. This means coming up with a self-care routine and getting back into the habit of investing time and energy into your needs. Stop worrying about what they’re doing and start worrying about what you need to get yourself up and back on track.

Take care of your mind and body. Start your day with 10–15 quiet minutes of “you time”. You can spend that getting ready for the day, writing in a journal, or even meditating. Focus on your body, how you feel, and what actions you can take to make yourself feel better.

Once you’ve got a handle on taking a few minutes for yourself, look at the bigger picture. What passions or interests can you get reinvested in? What friends can you reach out to? Start rebuilding yourself and your joy. Do it by getting back in touch with things that make you happy. By focusing on ourselves and getting realistic about some good self-care, we can make dramatic changes in the way we see our lives.

5. Let go and look for the light

The final step in dealing with a ghost-like breakdown in your relationship is to let go and look for the light. You have to emotionally detach as deeply and as fully as your former lover did. This means walking away and choosing to fill your life with people who want to be there. See their exit as the gift that it is and the opportunity to finally find the person who was meant to stand beside you. Then, try to see things with a more positive perspective.

After creating some space, try to look at things from their point of view. Perhaps the other person ghosted you because they thought it was the most painless thing to do for everyone involved. Try to look for the silver lining and try to assume that it’s all happening for the best.

Do you really want to invest time and energy in someone who doesn’t have the courage to have the hard talks with you? Or, do you want to find someone who never leaves you hanging — even in the midst of their own discomfort? We choose who takes up space in our lives. When we let go of our ghosts, we can embrace the living and breathing reality of love that is everywhere around us. The right person(s) is out there for you, but they can’t come in until you let go and open the door.

Putting it all together…

Falling in love is exciting and exhilarating, but it can also be aggravating and frustrating too. When the person that we care for decides to sever things it’s a painful process, but it’s made even more painful when they do it through ghosting. This behavior involves withdrawing physically and emotionally with little to no explanation. It’s shocking and hurtful, and we can only overcome it by learning how to set boundaries and look inward.

Stop internalizing their behavior and understand that the only person you are in control of is yourself. They made the decision to sever ties the way they did — not you. You aren’t responsible for how other people choose to behave. Drop the blame game and accept the truth: they weren’t meant for you and they never were. Not every relationship is meant to thrive and grow forever. Start setting boundaries for yourself and the people you bring into your romantic life. Once you stop settling for less than you deserve, you’ll bring a higher caliber of lover into your life. Focus on yourself and your needs and start nurturing yourself as only you can. The better care you take of your body and your mind, the more you will come to see your value and your worth. If you’ve been ghosted, let go and start looking for the light. This person was never meant to be yours. Be thankful for the newfound space they’ve left in your life.