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Signs You’re Dealing With a Truly Difficult Person

How to Recognize and Deal With Emotional Hijackers

Photo by Wilson Vitorino

We all know difficult people.

The button pushers. Energy vampires. Patience testers.

The kind of person that brings out the worst in you. So triggering, you start to think…am I the problem?

And maybe you are. Or maybe you’re just around a vibe-killer that likes to eat souls for breakfast.

Anyway, here are the warning signs this person is…a tad toxic. (Subscribe to my newsletter to learn about toxic people’s manipulation tactics)

Abnormal Impatience

These wildly unpredictable people fly off the handle for no reason. Reigning supreme over disproportionate reactions.

But this cruel impatience only extends to others. With themselves? They have all the time in the world.

You’ll find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to tread quietly to not wake the beast. And everybody seems to do the same - tiptoeing around and pandering to their rage.

Because this ‘difficult person’ upholds control through being unpredictable — and they like it. You can see the power trip in their eyes as they terrorize people uncontested.

Nothing Is Their Fault, Ever.

Champions of the blame game, it’s never their fault/issues that cause the problems.

Everything is carefully turned back on you — and your *awful* reaction to their disrespect.

By hook or crook, they’ll weasel into your mind and pull out deep insecurities. They use this mined ammo to fault you and somehow make it relevant to the problem.

But say it’s checkmate, you’ve got them. You’ll think — surely they can’t wiggle out of this one.

Then they’ll blame God, the government, or the office.

Did Someone Say…Drama?

They might claim to hate it, but you can tell — they revel in drama. Their lives are in constant chaos, worthy of a soap opera.

Be it arguments, gossip, or inserting themselves into situations that have nothing to do with them — they just have to have a piece of the action.

And the fuel to their fire? Other people’s reactions. Positive, negative, or mundanely natural, they’ll harness it to give them a new lease of life.

Tit-for-Tat Mentality

Everything is transactional. If you ask a favor? They’ll expect it repaid with interest. Quite like selling your soul to the devil.

Of course, they’ll keep tabs. Maybe see how far they can push it, seeking multiple dividends in retribution, no matter how teeny the ask.

And if you avoid them? Expect a barrage of abusive emails, messages, or ‘chats’ from their friends (read: weak people they’ve manipulated) reminding you of your debt.

They’re usually more tenacious than the Grim Reaper.

Inappropriate Neediness

These people will hang onto your coattails. Say you’re at a party and trying to enjoy yourself; this person will follow you around like a wet fart.

Because others don’t like them, this cling-on will be your social death. Try to mingle with a group? Everyone suddenly excuses themselves to fill up a drink or use the bathroom.

This urchin will jump on your plans, follow you to the bath, and time your return — osmosing into your life and permeating your fun.

Boundaries? How DARE You?

This follows on from my last point. Your boundaries will constantly crossed and tested, to see how far they can bend.

For example, an ex of mine knew I hated public affection. So, he’d lean in for a snog at dinner with his family. How terrible would it look if I pushed him away? (this was the first time meeting them). So I gave him a quick peck. Then he gloated when he got home of how ‘he won.’

Upholding a boundary is out of the question. You’ll be assaulted with guilt trips, victimization, and accusations of being selfish.

Insatiable Main Character Energy

Everything is all about them. A topic must relate to their opinions and feelings. If not, the conversation will be segwayed onto a ‘funny story’ loosely based on the subject with them as the main character.

It’s desperate.

They Die On Every Single Hill.

Full of opinions, usually irrational. Something is always worthy of an angry rant, especially if it doesn’t align with their principles.

Say a group plans to meet at 3 pm. Everyone agrees.

But no, this opinionated person will grind the whole process to a halt, single-handedly arguing that 3.30pm is the only acceptable time for a soiree.

They’ll dig their heels in and argue until everyone is worn out, concedes, and agrees to meet at 3.30.

Waving The Sympathy Flag

This type of person is a perpetual victim who makes no effort to overcome adversity.

Maybe they’ve recovered from cancer or dealing with grief. But years, sometimes decades later, they wave that card as an excuse to cop out of anything.

You’ll often find them retelling stories to harvest strong reactions.

Everything Is So Hard To Nail Down

Everything is up in the air. They’ll never commit, or if they do — it’ll be vaguely.

Decisions you supposedly made together are contorted, twisted, or dramatically changed. You never know quite where you stand.

How To Deal With Difficult People

Take a stock check of yourself.

I know it’s annoying. Why should you have to self-reflect when the other is at fault?

But you’ve got to prepare for the next interaction.

Ask:

  • Why does this person trigger you?
  • What emotional tornadoes do they tend to spin off?
  • How do you react?
  • How do they react to your reaction?
  • Could you be feeding into their drama?

Psychologists say that everyone is a mirror of ourselves. All the bits you hate about them are actually what you’ve suppressed/don't like about yourself.

For me, I hate vague people. Loose plans kill me. I need to know when, what time, and what’s expected. And best believe I’ll show up on the dot.

This all comes from deep-seated trauma of being whacked when I was late as a child.

My stepmother knows tardiness is against my religion. So she’ll say ‘I’ll get back to you’ which leaves plans dangling around in the air. Panic ensues.

So what do I do now? Say cool — let me know. As breezily as possible.

Then I’ll set up a group chat with other participants of the plan, and message the group. She can’t keep everyone in the dark.

So find your way of leveraging information.

Be Curious, Not Furious.

Say you’re stuck with the opinionated troublemaker.

Just ask — What are your intentions/motivations?

It’s objectively not a threatening or rude question. So that mitigates ensuing anger.

And when they have to think about what they actually want from the exchange, chances are they’ll be embarrassed. And less likely broach the subject again.

Make Them Aware You’re Uncomfortable.

The formula I learned for confrontation was:

‘When you…….(state behavior) I feel…..(state your feelings).

This is great because you’re challenging their behavior — not their identity.

Don’t Feed Into It.

No reactions are the best form of defense. Because it’s embarrassing.

I’ll give my own example for this one.

A couple of years ago, I did something really toxic. I invited my ex-boyfriend’s best friend round to sleep over at my house (nothing randy happened).

Then I told my ex, eagerly awaiting him to blow up so I could pacify him or argue, which was much more fun than playing a stale game of cards.

He looked at me dead in the eye and said, ‘Danny. I don’t care. You could’ve slept with him; it doesn’t matter to me.’

Which took me by surprise. I was affronted and embarrassed. It also made me stock check — I’m not as important as I thought in everyone’s lives.

Safe to say, I never did that again.

Stop Being So Nice

By being ‘nice’ and accommodating, you’re enabling them.

The difficult person learns they don't need to face their actions or learn from the consequences. Niceness is the antithesis of personal growth.

So just say it. ‘You’re annoying me; stop talking about it; opinions aren't for everyone.’

Unless you start standing up to difficult people, they’ll continue to do the same thing. Over, and over again. So take action, and nip bad behaviour in the bud.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like my newsletter. Subscribe to learn about a narcissist’s manipulation tactics and how to counterattack.

Difficult People
Psychology
Mental Health
Life
Emotional Intelligence
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