Four Signs of Selfish Generosity and How to Avoid Them
Sometimes the worst form of selfishness comes disguised as generosity.
We have all done it at some point. We have given something to someone with the hope they will give us or do something for us in return. Sometimes, we do it unconsciously and out of habit.
When giving is more about you than it is the other person, it is selfish. No matter how generous the gift, if your intention is for the other person to reciprocate, both of you are better off without it.
Sometimes selfishness comes disguised as generosity. It is sneaky and hard to question.
There are several ways to identify a selfish giver or to check if you are one.
Martyr Syndrome
Some people give of themselves too much. What follows are unmistakable reminders of how much they sacrifice.
They take offence when you turn down their offers for help, but when you accept, they whine. It could be the grandma who volunteers to babysit her grandchildren all the time. But she complains about how much work it is to care for them. Or the coworker who takes on more work than is asked of them, then they sulk and complain about not being acknowledged.
Martyrs lack boundaries and are incapable or unwilling to take control of their time and resources. They give indiscriminately and without regard for themselves. Why is this selfish? Because it is a way for them to get attention.
They feel good as they talk about how much they do and how little others appreciate them. They like to be reassured of their value.
Martyrdom is addictive. It is like a drug that keeps you away from having to face the void inside you. The way to fill it is to sacrifice and underhandedly demand attention from others.
Flood Giving
Some people will give too much and sometimes all at once. You are left with no time to breathe or say thank you. They flood you with gifts and attention.
In the beginning, they are a delight to be around. After a while, you start to feel stifled. They offer to pay for lunch, they fuel your car and anticipate your every need before you do. They insist on giving, whether it is necessary or not. This results in an imbalance in your relationship.
You feel guilty for taking so much from them. Yet you don’t remember asking. They are there for you when you need them but they rarely ask for your help in anything. Such givers leave you feeling inadequate. You get the nagging feeling you owe them. But you don’t know what you owe them for or how to repay them.
You place them on a pedestal. Some people give in this manner to appear superior to the other person. Others are clueless about the social etiquette of giving. If you find yourself giving and not letting the other person reciprocate once in a while, reevaluate your intentions.
Be more mindful in your giving. If you have a friend who does this, address it and express your discomfort. Let them know you would want to be there for them too, or you will ask for their help when you need it. Be kind and sensitive about it.
People Pleasing
As a recovering people pleaser, I know all too well how common this is. In most cases, it is unconscious. But it is still selfish. You derive your worth from giving.
A part of your brain tells you the only way to be loved or valued is through giving. When you start to lose grip on your sense of worth, you double down on your generosity.
You take on too much of other people’s responsibilities. You give even when you can’t afford to. Why is this selfish? You are not giving because you want to. You have convinced yourself you have to.
The attached condition is, as long as you are giving, others will like you. You will belong. Much as the other person is benefiting from your generosity, it is all about you.
“Give Then Take”
This type of generosity is transactional. Some people treat acts of generosity like a scorecard.
A person who views giving as a tit for tat affair will not pay for dinner twice in a row. He will wait or demand you pay this time. They are paranoid. They imagine people are out to fleece them.
They exhibit a scarcity mindset which is hard to go unnoticed. They calculate how much they have given so far, to the penny, and how much the other person needs to give before they can give again.
How to Know If Your Generosity Is Selfish.
We all have a selfish streak. The way to keep it in control is to remain mindful of our motivations and intentions. Before giving, ask yourself these questions;
Do I feel pressured to give?
Do I expect anything in return?
Will I be sad or angry if the other person does not reciprocate?
Am I giving so that the other person can like or value me more?
If you answer no to all these questions, go ahead and be generous. If you answer yes to any, address it first before you proceed.
Conclusion
Sometimes the worst form of selfishness comes disguised as generosity. It is manipulative. Some people give to gain control over others.
Stay aware of what level of generosity is healthy and what isn’t. Know which one you are practising or receiving from others.
