Signs Of Disorganized Attachment In Adulthood

Recognizing The Forgotten But Most Complex Attachment Style

Disorganized attachment styles live up to their name in that they’re confusing, and distressing for both parties in a relationship.

Along with the avoidant and anxious attachment styles, disorganized attachment styles are the final, and most complex of the insecure attachment styles. They’re also the most difficult to handle, due to their origins which are born out of highly volatile environments in which the individual faced mental and/or physical trauma.

Just like any other attachment style, the behaviors disorganized individuals adopt in childhood can run our relationships amuck in adulthood — that is, without proper awareness.

With that in mind, I wanted to write about the signs and symptoms of disorganized attachment. Attachment styles aren’t exclusive to romantic relationships, meaning the points listed below can apply to ANY area of our life where a relationship exists.

1. Conflicting Desires For Alone Time and Closeness

My inspiration for writing this has come on a Sunday lunchtime after a morning of being productive. I was sitting playing video games when familiar anxiety came into my mind, it told me I should be spending time with other people, and that being alone was somehow bad. I suddenly felt uncomfortable in my own presence.

I then thought about reaching out to someone else; a friend, or family — it’s normal to feel alone, after all, and maybe I needed some closeness. Except when I then thought about hanging out with friends, or even dropping them a text or phone call, I felt the SAME anxiety I felt when faced with being alone.

I then felt conflicted, as one part of me felt discomfort in being alone whilst the other part told me I’d feel uncomfortable being around other people.

This conflicting experience is the hallmark of a disorganized attachment style. If you find comfort in solace but not in connection, it’s like you’re more avoidant; if you feel comfort in connection, but not alone, it’s like you’re more anxiously attached — but disorganized attachment styles combine both.

The push and pulls of these opposing forces are the reason why disorganized attachment styles are named so. They’re confusing, and can leave you trapped in endless cycles because there are only two ways to be; with yourself, or other people. If you’re finding BOTH discomforting, it may be you have a disorganized attachment style.

2. Negative Self-Talk and Self-Worth

Feelings of anxiety are only the tip of the iceberg for the beliefs that rule our subconscious. Disorganized people aren’t simply feeling anxious about alone time and connection for the sake of it, something deeper is going on inside.

All insecure attachment styles bring with them worthiness wounds, and the disorganized attachment style is the most volatile of all with deeper wounds reminiscent of deeper traumas. With this in mind, low self-worth is guaranteed and could be accompanied by chronic low moods in the form of depression, as Dr. Dianne Poole Heller notes,

“Cycles of depression and anxiety are common with disorganized attachment and can make keeping a job or advancing in a career difficult. Anxiety and depression can also challenge relationships and make intimacy difficult and scary.” — Dr Dianne Poole Heller

Referring back to myself, the discomfort I feel being alone is larger rooted in the belief that there’s something wrong with me because I am alone — as if my worth is dependent on my level of connection at that moment.

On the flip side, the discomfort I feel when I do want to reach out to other people is because it’s difficult for me to feel comfortable in social interactions. I feel under pressure and find it difficult to be authentic — both self-worth-related issues.

Whilst self-worth issues are common with insecure attachment styles, as Dr. Heller notes, these are more likely to transmute into more chronic mental health issues with disorganized individuals.

3. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms and Self-Soothing

Avoidant individuals find solace in alone time whilst anxiously attached individuals find it within their connections — but disorganized individuals are under persistent pressures, regardless of the route they choose. This coupled with heightened states of anxiety, low self-worth, and depression can make self-soothing by unhealthy means more common for this insecure attachment type.

Self-soothing can look like drinking more within social settings to feel more comfortable, using or even abusing other chemicals as a means to escape yourself, or pushing and pulling people away when suits depending on what side of the disorganized spectrum you are falling on. As Dr. Kristen Jordan, a relationship therapist explains,

Disorganized attachment is correlated with dissociation, self-harm, addiction, depression, PTSD, and most mental illnesses — Dr Kristen Jordan.

Inevitably, coping mechanisms are simply that, coping mechanisms and don’t offer long-term solutions often masking, or delaying the eventual feelings we’ll feel regardless.

Bring awareness to your day-to-day and where you may be self-soothing. Self-soothing doesn’t necessarily mean you have a disorganized attachment style but is often indicative of negative states of mind that we can’t move past. If you do relate to the first two points then it’s likely you’ll be engaging in unhealthy coping strategies.

4. Freeze Responses

When we think of stress responses we’ll often go to the fight or flight response; a series of reactions that propels us into action — but these aren’t the only stress responses we can experience. Fight or flight responses are only useful mechanisms of action when we can escape stress, like when we’re faced with a deadline; we can either procrastinate (flight) or tackle our project until it’s done (fight).

But what if we can’t fight our adversities or run away from them? What if we’re a child with limited resources and are reliant on our caregivers? What if our caregivers are the sources of our stress? We may have even tried to fight or flee only to be met with more pain.

In these situations, our bodies learn that fighting stress with fight or flight isn’t an option and we experience freeze: A state of being in which a different arm of our nervous system takes the lead; releasing relaxation hormones that reduce heart rate, protect us from pain, and dissociate us from a reality that presents us danger.

As disorganized attachment styles are born from more traumatic upbringings, freeze responses are common adaptive methods for the child to associate stress with. As I said, in most cases there isn’t an option to talk back, or run away, as this would likely result in more pain. Instead freeze responses help the child to dissociate psychologically from their reality, despite being physically present.

As our very first relationships serve as blueprints for future ones, our bodies remember the pain we experienced in childhood, and how we reacted. This means freeze responses can be commonplace for disorganized individuals in adulthood and can show up in the following ways;

• Dissociative episodes in the face of stress.
• Intense indecision when faced with whether to pursue connection or abandon it (fight or flight pushes us into action, freeze responses keep us stuck)
• Difficulty processing or accessing emotions when faced with “hard” conversations in relationships.
• Difficulty explaining one’s emotions, or “finding the right words” during discussions that require emotional discussions.
• Restrictive breathing, cold sensations, or numbness in the physical body.

Reflect on your own reactions in your relationships. Are you faced with intense indecision, and find it difficult to process and or communicate during moments of high stress? If so, this may be a sign of disorganized attachment.

Final Thoughts

No attachment style is a prerequisite for a lifetime of unhealthy relationships, but we have to have awareness first in order to change.

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