My Journey From Panic Disorder to Depression

What it feels like to fall into depression as a person who has panic disorder

I always panic for trivial matters, and I grew up thinking that it was normal. My mother used to tell me stories of people who did not score good marks in their examinations, and of people who could not get any jobs because they did not study well. I was scared. I did not want to be jobless or to be a loser. But these stories did not make any difference, I still flunked sophomore. My grades were so bad, that my dad had to pay money to get me a seat in an engineering college. I flunked there too. Nothing changed. The only constant thing was fear. Fear of losing, fear of what others would think, and the fear about the future.

Maybe it was luck, or maybe it was the same fear that tortured me enough so that I studied comparatively better during my post-graduation days. Fortunately for me, I was one of the firsts on the campus to get a job. I have been in the same job for two years now, and I am earning well. Does that mean that things are okay now?

No, they are not. I panic about everything. I envy my colleagues who are so careless and stupid, and still so casual when they make mistakes. They don’t care. They don’t sweat it as I do. I do good in my job, but I want to be chill. I don’t want to go through this process of torture to find success!

I was somehow managing everything, but everything became worse when my girlfriend left me. I had to return to my native, and the break up happened over a text, followed by calls that lasted for hours. My points did not have a chance against her strong data-backed arguments. She crushed me and enlightened me at the same time. I let her go because I loved her so much. Sometimes, you need to let go of the people whom you love so much because that’s what is best for them.

For once, my consciousness became selfless, but my brain became selfish. You can delete pictures from the gallery, or you can block people from all your social media handles, but there is no guidebook for blocking them from appearing in your memories!

One day, I knew I could not take it anymore, and the same day I told my parents that I might be in depression. They got tensed, but then they consoled me, and finally they decided that I should see a Psychologist.

The very next day that I told my parents, I took an appointment with a counsellor whom my mother suggested, and within the next week, I visited him. He is an old man, frail and pale. He has a hearing problem, and he is strange. The questions he ask are even more strange. I don’t feel any improvement. And soon enough, I might switch to someone else. Nevertheless, I continued the intake of the pills that he has prescribed, a pill that will help alleviate tension, panic, depression and anxiety. I took the pills for two months. For the first two weeks, he asked me to take half a pill a day, and mind you, the pill is very tiny, and it was a task to break it into half. After two weeks, I have been taking a full pill every day.

Within the first few days, I could see the effects of the medicine on me. The feelings, it went away. In the beginning, it felt good, because I was not crying in the middle of the night anymore. I was not feeling any pain. But now, I want those feeling back, because I have gone completely numb. I don’t think anyone is supposed to feel this way. Maybe I am wrong, but it feels terrible.

I cannot sleep anymore, but I feel fatigued at the same time. It is a strange situation to be in. This is the darkest side of these pills. I was not getting enough sleep in the first place. Now, it is worse. I don’t know when I doze off, because when I wake up, it always feels like I had just laid down on the bed. The rest of the day is a drag- dull, monotonous and inactive. It is also messing up with my work, because I cannot concentrate anymore, I am inattentive during the team huddles, and I am way behind my deadlines.

Sometime during the second month, I was feeling horny, because I stumbled across something hot. Then I remembered that I have had no sex in a very long time, neither had I touched myself in months. That day I asked myself, “Why not?”. I was feeling excited about something in a long time. I started watching some videos, one after the other, and I figured that something was wrong. I was not getting a proper erection. I freaked out. “Is it my mind?” I decided to google the side effects of the pill that I have been taking, and bingo, there it is, erectile dysfunction is one of the major side effects.

My face was like a close up of moon when I was hitting my puberty, years back. It took me a while to clear it up, both the pimples and the marks. But ever since I have been taking these pills, my tiny old friends have come back to say a hi!

I am eating like a crazy man these days. I have no idea how all the snacks that I fill up on a weekend gets over the very next day. I am munching on something all the time, while I am working, binge-watching, with morning tea, with evening tea, at midnight, at 3 AM when I am suddenly awake. I am gaining weight and it’s not great, because I am always drowsy, to even do simple exercises to make up for my calorie intake.

The side effects that I have listed down are from my personal experince, and I am by no way trying to deter anyone from seeking professional help. Personally I feel that I have consulted a wrong guy, and I might switch soon. But regarding the medicines, I digged a little deeper, and found that these pills generally have all these side effects, that I have personally faced.

Seeking professional help for mental health is important because mental health is way underrated. I am not trying to discourage anyone to not seek professional help, because as I have mentioned, I believe that I have consulted a wrong person.

I have talked to others who were struggling, and most of them had to say the same thing, that what matters the most are the words coming out from the counsellor, and not the pills he/she prescribes.

Choose the person you want to consult after thorough research. Also, I request everyone to not take over-the-counter medicines for depression or anxiety. When your councillor prescribe medicines, ask questions, make sure he/she is not trying to hide anything.

In these unprecedented times, sanity is as important as sanitation.