Parents, Please Speak Up for Your Children When They Can’t

Stop accepting labels from friends or strangers

When walking around town and viewing buildings of all shapes and colors, do you put stickers on them in order to show off your categorization skills?

If you think that’s a bizarre question, then do everyone a favor by not labeling others with your words.

Oh my, I finically said it, out loud in this open space.

Even just reading my own words out loud, there are little voices in my head, asking myself why making a big “fuss” about the “small talks”. After all, most people meant well in their own way.

Yes, they meant well. But good intentions do not automatically justify everything. Growing up, I was probably too good at making excuses for other people. When their words hurt me, I came up with hundreds of reasons explaining to myself that they didn’t mean ill.

It all changed ever since I become a parent. At least I thought so. But the people-pleasing habit is so ingrained, it seeped out the other day.

My son was hiding behind me when I dropped him off at daycare. “You are always so quiet. Don’t be shy!” the teacher greeting us commented.

I’m still ashamed of my behavior that day.

Do you know what I said to my son? I asked him if he was being shy.

I felt so much guilt after labeling my child with the teacher. I, his mother, put a double label on him instead of defending him.

Our Perception Is NOT the Reality, but It Can Shape Reality

When the teacher made that comment offhandedly, she actually meant that my son seemed shy to her. She was expressing her perception, which does not equal reality.

A child being called shy once or twice maybe no big deal. But imagine people constantly telling you that you are shy, one day you will start to believe that they are right.

That’s learned shyness.

What is worse than that is the negativity embedded in shyness in our culture. In her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Susan Cain illuminated how extroverted traits dominate as the desirable ones. Here we are not going into details about the difference and similarities between introvert and shyness; the point is that kids can quickly sense that being called shy is not a compliment. It’s not good to be shy; something might be wrong with them.

What makes it even worse is that they might have parents misbehaved like me, nudging them to get over the shyness to greet other people more warmly.

Luckily, I caught myself. I am not going to label and change my kid just to please other people and meet their preferences. Not going to do this consciously or mindlessly.

If I can travel back to that they, I would have said this instead, “No, he is not shy. I think he is still learning to adjust to daycare life after spending a year at home.”

Acting Shy vs. Is Shy

Acting or feeling shy is an extremely common experience. According to the research (see this paper for an example), less than 10% of the population worldwide never experienced shyness. In fact, being wary of strangers is a survival trait from an evolutionary perspective.

The problem is that shyness is an everyday term as well as a psychological construct. The difference is that some of us might have felt shy occasionally but not suffered from shyness. According to psychology research, those who suffer from shyness perceive it as “exerting a profound and unpleasant effect upon their lives” (Harris, 1984). The scale matters.

I sometimes acted shy at a party, reluctant to initiate conversations. I am not shy about hosting a large event though, not to say suffering from it. Therefore, I do not have a “pathologic” level of shyness.

In other words, shyness is not some trait that can be evaluated based on a few events. You cannot categorize your friend’s kid as shy just because she didn’t talk to you enthusiastically. In fact, the discrepancies between self-perception and the perceptions of others are referred to as “hidden shyness”.

Spooner et al. (1982) investigated the hidden shyness among schoolchildren between 10 and 12 years old. They found that the correlation between children’s own shyness ratings and those made by parents or teachers were at best moderate, leaving many children’s shyness unrecognized.

There is a fine line between overdiagnosis and underdiagnosis of shyness, along with many other traits and experiences. Jill (Conquering Cognitions) has an excellent article on sadness and depression if you are interested (note: Jill is a clinical psychologist. I, on the other hand, am just an economist and an angry parent in this case.)

The Bigger Problem: Commenting about Children

I have met plenty of quiet people at various events. Actually, I was that “shy” one frequently. There were plenty of times I just held my husband’s hand and nodding along when he talked (my mind probably wandered hundreds of miles away already).

But you know what, there was no one there who said, “Oh, your wife is so shy.”, referring to me as a third person. Nobody said “Don’t be shy.” to me either.

Somehow, when it comes to children, people think they have more freedom and authority to make a comment. The conversations often direct to the parent/caretaker, talking about the kids in the third person, as if they have no clue of the meaning of the words.

Well, never underestimate a child. They process and absorb more information than adults think.

Also, don’t underestimate the power of your words. What you say today, can shape our children’s reality tomorrow.