Should You Forgive a Betrayal?

The right attitude to have when your spouse cheats on you.

At the end of last year, a friend of mine came to me for advice.

He was married to his wife for four years, and his marriage was quite normal. He was a good husband, and she was a good wife. They understood each other perfectly until my friend saw strange behavior in his wife. She had mysterious phone calls and meetings, and the home no longer had that glow as the first year of marriage.

When my friend came back from work, his wife started to receive him coldly, and she started to bother with little things.

My friend went a little deeper to know what was happening with his wife, and it didn’t take long to discover that she had a lover!

He was devastated, lost his strength, and didn’t know what to do.

He called me at the time and said he needed to meet me to talk. We met and my friend told me everything, and in the end, he asked me:

“So, should I forgive her or should I separate from her? I don’t know what to do, because I love her very much and I don’t want to separate, but I wouldn’t be able to live with this pain either, it’s too strong. Help me decide!”

This is a difficult situation to deal with. But I knew I could not tell him exactly what to do, I could only talk to him and let him make the decision. We talked for more than an hour, and I showed him how to look at this kind of situation.

The Context That a Betrayal Happens Matters

A betrayal is a betrayal regardless of what angle it will be seen. We must take the context in which it occurred into account. There are those cases of betrayals where your spouse went out with friends at night and stays with someone else.

This is a case where the problem lies in the lack of responsibility. The person is already married or engaged but lives like a single, lives behind old habits, old routines, and goes out with friends in a routine that clearly is no longer for him.

The second context of betrayal is what I call premeditated betrayal. Your partner hardly finds in you what he is looking for in a partner and then goes in search of a new one. He is with you, but he is also with another person. And my friend was in this situation.

I consider the second situation to be more serious than the first.

In the second situation your spouse betrays you in a liberated, conscious, and pre-meditated way, where if you don’t discover what is happening, this can continue for a long time. Here, your partner no longer loves you, no longer respects you, no longer wants you, as a partner, maybe he is still with you because of fear of your reaction, of the relatives or for economic comfort, but love and respect in this kind of situation certainly no longer exists. This was the first point that I made very clear to my friend.

Forgive Your Spouse but Think Carefully Before Continuing in the Relationship

I told my friend to forgive his wife. Yes, that’s right, he should forgive her. He said he couldn’t go on with her! I said that to continue with the relationship was one thing, to forgive was another.

Many people think that forgiving a betrayal means accepting your partner’s behavior and continuing the relationship, but this is not the truth.

To forgive means to leave behind the impulse of wanting to punish the other, to leave behind the resentment, and not to carry the sorrow. You think that forgiving the other is a favor you are doing him/her, but in fact, it is a favor you are doing yourself, because by forgiving someone you clear your mind and spirit of many negative thoughts and desires, by forgiving you are taking care of our emotional well-being. The one who suffers the most with resentment and anger is really the one who carries these feelings.

Resentment hurts, anger even creates problems for physical health.

You gain nothing by becoming angry and resentful, so you should let go.

It’s not easy and it doesn’t happen overnight, because the other betrayed your trust and disrespected you.

You want to take revenge; you want to do something for the other person to feel the same pain, sometimes you just want to cry, or even die.

It is difficult. But find a way to overcome it, to move on.

See how valuable you are to this world and how many good things life has for you. Yeah, it sounds like monks talk, but it’s the truth. No matter what happens, forgive the other, and forgive yourself.

I told my friend not to continue with his wife.

Although he has to forgive her, there are other things that must be taken into account to continue with a person after cheating on you.

The 3 Things You Should Be Considering, to Continue in a Relationship After a Betrayal

I told my friend the things that he must unfailingly consider continuing the relationship after the betrayal.

1. Do Not Continue in the Relationship if the Other Person Does Not Show Regret

Your partner should deeply regret having made you suffer and for having broken your trust, for having behaved without respect to you.

If he shows no regret and wants to justify his unjustifiable act, then it’s no use you want to continue in the relationship, because if he justifies his mistake, it’s because he thinks it’s not his fault, and if your spouse thinks it’s not his fault, if he doesn’t feel bad about what he did, most probably he will do it again. You don’t want to go through the same situation twice, believe me.

2. If Your Spouse Doesn’t Show the Effort to Change and Regain Your Trust Don’t Continue in the Relationship

The relationship is the union of two people, and the two must make every effort to make the union something satisfactory. If your spouse shows regret, then the next step is to identify together what points are weakened in your union that made your partner look for this outside of the home.

Check to see if you have really talked. Not that routine talk, about things at home, about expenses, but that attention that each of you needs from the other.

Check together if you have fallen into the routine and if it has put out the flame between you. Are you still going out to dinner like before? When was the last time you guys talked I love you each other looking at each other in the eye? Make sure the other person is making an effort to win you back, otherwise don’t devalue yourself like that.

3. Do Not Continue the Relationship if You Are Not Willing to Trust Your Spouse Again.

Yes! If you no longer trust your spouse and you have no intention of trusting him/her, then end the relationship.

If you still don’t sleep peacefully when your spouse tells you he will travel on duty, then you are not cured, and if you are not cured, you will suffer in this relationship infinitely.

Find ways to heal first. There are techniques, and mindsets that help you face these kinds of situations. Have therapies with professionals, travel to breathe new airs, do whatever is necessary.

In conclusion, yes, forgive your spouse.

Don’t do this for him, but for yourself, for the fact that you deserve to be free from the feeling of anger, hatred, revenge, and punishment.

You deserve peace; you deserve to be of a clean conscience, after all, you were faithful, you did well so don’t make yourself suffer being a victim and carrying so much anger.

Free yourself and learn what you have to learn from the episode and move on.

Analyze the sequence of events that led to this episode, what you neglected, what you could have done.

Continue in the relationship if your spouse shows that he or she wants to fight for you if he or she shows regret, and if you feel you can trust again, otherwise, end this relationship.

Nothing is forever.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.