Should You Breastfeed Your Boyfriend In Public?
A difficult question that every woman must answer for herself
At first I was like, “No fucking way. Get your god damned mouth off my boob, we’re in the parking lot of Walmart. People might see.”
But boyfriends’ feeding times are often difficult to schedule. Look, we’re all very busy people. We’re running around from here to there, and sometimes we miss a feeding.
My own boyfriend needs to feed on my boob at least five times a day. I think that’s pretty average, from talking to my female friends.
“Yeah, my boyfriend feeds at least that. Sometimes ten times a day,” my best friend Emily told me.
“Does he bite?” I asked.
“Yes!!!” she said. “I love it!”
“Oh so do I!”
I was surprised to learn that some girls don’t let their boyfriends bite during nursing.
“It feels like I’m being attacked by a squirrel!” said my girlfriend Laney. “I hate it when he bites during boyfriend breastfeeding time.”
What About Burping the Boyfriend?
“Yes, sometimes gets burpy as he sucks my boobs,” said Lisa, my assistant who has a 24-year-old new bae. “I just hit him on the back real hard and it usually comes out.”
When Does Weening Happen, Really?
It’s usually around seven years, according to some of my older, married female friends.
“Oh, my husband hasn’t zucked my tit for a decade,” my accountant Anna from Czeck told me. “Zank god. He used to zuck zo hard my nipples would turn purple. But then one day, he was like, I’m done, and he never zucked my nipple again. I don’t mizz it.”
What Are The Consequences of Weening Your Boyfriend Too Early?
Well, there was a girl I used to work out with at the gym who weened her boyfriend after only one year.
“Isn’t that a bit soon?” I asked her. “Aren’t you worried he’ll get mad and break up with you?”
“No, because we still fuck. We just dispensed with the foreplay. I mean, really, what’s the point of sucking my boobs as a preliminary? It’s really not building up ‘sexual tension’ or anything. We all know how this movie’s gonna end. It’s going to be you inside me going push push push. Let’s get it over with, honestly.”
But they soon broke up, so it really set me to thinking.
“Alright Aron,” I said to my little-boy boyfriend. “You can have a taste here in the Walgreen’s parking lot. I don’t want to stunt your growth. But make it quick.”
Where Not To Nurse In Public
I know in Europe they let their boyfriends nurse them whenever and wherever. They are so much more laid back about this kind of thing, though.
Although I am committed to the attached boyfriend style of dating, there are some places where I won’t let Aron nurse.
“No!” I said to him the other day in church. “It’s church, for Christ’s sake.”
Some people looked at me in horror. I guess you’re not supposed to say for Christ’s sake in church. But anyhow, if Aron needs to nurse during mass, I will take him out back to the maintenance closet behind the church and let him have a quick suck. I don’t want people getting uncomfortable.
Yes, it smells like cleaning products and motor oil in there, but hey, sometimes a boyfriend needs to feed.
In the Workplace.
My employees are supposed to look up to me. How are they going to do that if they see me whipping out my nipple in my windowed corner office with my little bae on my lap?
That’s just not professional.
That’s why I got the Venetian blinds so I can at least have some privacy when he visits me at work.
Public Transit
It depends on the route. I let my boyfriend nurse on the bus downtown. But if we’re heading to Pasadena or somewhere where there are a lot of older folks, I will either tell him no or else put a big blanket over us before he takes off my bra and goes to town on my stiff nipple. It’s just being polite, I think.
Why Do Men Nurse? Are They All Big Babies?
Duh!
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