Should You Be Friends After a Divorce?

Trust is the key.

Years ago, when my marriage was still intact, the conversation around the dinner table turned oddly toward the parents of friends of our children. Our children, teens at this time, were telling us that so-in-so’s parents were going through a divorce. They explained that they were still living in the same house and were friends.

I was bewildered. It was the first time I had heard of such an arrangement, and I couldn’t understand how, if they could live together in the same house and be friendly, their marriage couldn’t be saved.

Sometimes, memories are burned into your psyche and not understood until much later, and this turned out to be one of those times.

Back to the story

I expressed my bewilderment, but my then-husband laughed and said, “You know that you and I would still be friends if we divorced.” (Keep in mind that he was the maker of rules, and one rule was that the “D” word was not allowed in our house.)

I was puzzled by his response, and I guess it showed because he kept a confusing serious-not-serious banter going, all of which I disagreed with.

Finally, the conversation ended when I said, “Here’s the deal. I take marriage so seriously that if we were to get a divorce it would mean that you had done something so unforgivable that I would not want you in my life.”

The present-day

I still stand by this statement. Perhaps you’ve heard the old saying, “With friends like that, you don’t need enemies.” That’s my belief, and so I steer clear of him.

We don’t talk on the phone, send Christmas cards, or acknowledge each other’s birthdays.

I have one divorced friend whose ex still sends her a mother’s day card every year. Their children are adults now, but I think it’s nice because she is still the mother of his children.

Of course, when I was married, my ex didn’t acknowledge Mother’s Day for me because he said I wasn’t his mother.

What I learned

One of the most important changes I’ve seen in myself since my divorce is that I have become a much less judgemental person. There’s nothing like thinking you’ve done everything right, basking in that glory, and watching it all burn down around you to grow your capacity for compassion.

I applaud all of you who are divorced and have good relationships with your ex-spouses. Sometimes, when I read your stories, or I’m in a group where the stories are being shared, I feel like I’ve done something wrong — like I’m not a cool divorcee. But, I haven’t done anything wrong.

I did what was right for me, as hopefully, you have done for yourself.

Trust is the key to marriage, and it is also the key to being friends after a divorce. It’s a different level of trust for the type of friendship you intend to have. Remember, being friendly is not the same as being true friends.

I don’t have small children, so it isn’t important for me to know the new partner or try to be friends for the sake of the children. It’s easy for me to do what is right for me, aside from the judgment of others.

This is an interesting thought because perceived judgment was one of the factors that kept me in the marriage.

The bottom line is you must do what is right for you to the greatest extent possible.

Concluding thoughts:

I mentioned earlier how some memories are burned into your psyche but not understood— I understand now.

If I had agreed with my then-husband, he would have used it against me or controlled me in some way. Having him out of my life has given me independence, freedom, and a belief in myself I wouldn’t have otherwise developed.

I’ve learned that we all need good friends — people we can trust. If you can’t trust your ex, they aren’t your friend, and that is OK. Being friends with your ex isn’t a badge of honor that allows admission to the cool divorced people crowd.

If your relationship is real, count it as a blessing.

If you are divorced and not friends, that’s probably a blessing, too.

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