Should You (a) Get a Life or (b) Get a Partner? How to Tell the Difference
An examination of motivations in modern dating.
There are plenty of good reasons to seek out a partner in this life. Not the least of them is the fact that we, as human beings, are built for connection. It doesn’t matter how independent we are or how self-sufficient. We will always have a desire to bond and connect with other people — even when we tell ourselves that we’re just fine on our own.
People talk a lot about wanting someone versus needing someone. I’ve been one of those people. But I’ve often overlooked the fact that romantic relationships contain both aspects. We want a partner, but a part of us needs that connection, too. This isn’t about looking for completion. It’s about filling a basic human need to love and be loved, to know and be known, and to belong.
4 Reasons to Get a Life, Not Date One
Still, there’s a difference between wanting or even needing a partner to satisfy that desire for connection and needing a partner to replace the need for a life. I’m not sure that everyone can tell the difference. I notice this every time I scroll through online dating apps. There are always people who stand out as needing a life, not a partner. While we can have both, some people are using dating to fill a void that’s far larger than any partner could possibly fill.
Research has found that there are numerous reasons people find themselves using online dating apps to connect with a partner. Those reasons include looking for love, seeking casual sex, convenience or ease of communication, self-worth validation, the thrill of excitement, and the fact that dating apps are popular now. Another study found boredom to be a primary factor in their dating decisions but also uncovered a connection between the use of dating apps and higher levels of depression, anxiety, and stress.
A Need for Self-Worth and Validation
Some people are using potential partners to fill their need for self-worth and validation. They are translating desire and affection for others as fuel to fill up their sense of self. Instead of developing a healthier self-concept, they constantly seek external validation.
“Dignity will only happen when you realize that having someone in your life doesn’t validate your worth.” ~Shannon L. Alder
When they are rejected, they feel worthless because their entire self-worth was built on outside conditions. People who date from this place of lacking self-esteem often become so invested in being chosen by others that they give up their personal agency in choosing a compatible partner. In other words, they need to feel chosen so much that they don’t focus on whether or not the person choosing them is the right match.
I’m not judging this. I’ve been there. For a long time, I stayed in unhealthy relationships because at least they were choosing me. It took a long time to build up enough self-worth that I didn’t need the external validation of someone else to make me feel like I was okay.
A Need for Entertainment
Then, there are the people who treat significant others as a form of entertainment. These are the easiest to spot on dating apps. They don’t have anything going on. They’re looking to be entertained. They don’t have any hobbies or interests to talk about. They’re too busy looking for someone else to fill the void where their life should be.
“Relationships are about two complete people coming together and being one, not about two half-people who have holes in them and are only looking for somebody to fill them up.” ~Todd Perelmuter
To be fair, relationships can take up a lot of time and energy. When we’re in them, we can easily lose ourselves in a couple’s identity and lose sight of our own. This is particularly easy to do when we have never had a strong sense of self to begin with and base our identity on our relationship with others.
But people aren’t put on this earth simply to entertain us. While relationships can certainly be fascinating, many of the people who are searching for entertainment in dating might be better served to develop some hobbies or interests outside of swiping through online dating options. Not only would that help round them out as people, but it would also give their relationships more depth. In the end, other people can’t take the place of getting a life. The purpose of dating was never meant to be a one-stop shop for focus, purpose, entertainment, and something to do when we’re bored. It was meant for connection, not purely as entertainment value.
A Need for Friendship
We all know those people who disappear the second they enter a relationship. They don’t make time for their friends once there’s a significant other to consider. These people are often using relationships to meet all their relational needs — making the partner the best friend and, sometimes, the only friend.
But the truth is that we have different needs for connection in our lives. A relationship with our family won’t look the same as a relationship with our friends. A romantic relationship can be built on friendship — and should be — but it cannot wholly replace platonic relationships no matter how much we might try to make it our everything. A partner isn’t meant to be our entire support system. That’s too much pressure for any one person. While they can be a fundamental part of it, we need to have strong friendships outside of our relationships.
This is particularly important because good friends will tell us when our relationships are wrong. They’ll be the first to speak up at signs of disrespect or abuse. They’ll be in our corner no matter what comes of the romantic relationship. We might want to think our partner is our forever, but that doesn’t cancel out the need for friends, and it doesn’t change the fact that we often keep friends far longer than we maintain any single romantic partner.
“An American “epidemic of loneliness,” it’s being called, in research papers, the press, even on an official U.S. government website. Two in five Americans are unhappy with the relationships they do have. One in five Americans feel lonely and socially isolated. Loneliness, these researchers warn, is as lethal as smoking 15 cigarettes a day; can lead to suicide, Alzheimer’s disease, and other dementias; messes with our immune and cardiovascular systems, and more. Loneliness, in other words, is killing us. So every night, like a bedtime prayer, I open my apps and swipe.” ~Deborah Copaken, Ladyparts
A Need for Security
Then, there are the people who date out of a need for greater security. They’re out there looking for the other half of the rent, a person to live with who might help pay the bills. This might seem far-fetched, but I’ve been in a relationship where I was used because I was more financially stable. I had a place of my own and paid all my bills, and I didn’t realize that it was a draw to a person who wasn’t willing to do that for themselves. People who date out of a need for financial security or a place to live are using people to meet needs that they’re supposed to meet themselves.
It certainly helps to have two incomes in a home, particularly with today’s economy. However, dating simply to achieve that end seems like terrible motivation. It’s not unusual to be attracted to a successful, independent person, but if we’re looking to find one to make our lives easier, we might be better served to figure out other ways of achieving that end that doesn’t involve using someone else.
Getting a Life vs. Getting a Partner
Too much of the time, we’re using romantic partners to meet needs that we’re supposed to be meeting ourselves. We look for them to give us self-esteem, a sense of purpose, security, and something to do. When we go into romantic relationships with these intentions, conscious or otherwise, we tend to become easily disappointed when this one person cannot be everything to us. We might think that they are letting us down instead of looking at the completely unreasonable expectations we’ve put on the relationship.
Even if we genuinely want to connect with another person romantically, we still need to have full, intentional, involved lives. It’s important to have hobbies, interests, and opinions outside of dating and relationships so that we’re not using people to fill a void. It helps to evaluate why we’re dating and what needs that action is meeting for us.
It’s completely okay to be a person who struggles with self-esteem but still wants to connect with others in a romantic relationship. It’s okay to be a person with narrow interests who simply wants to date. It’s even okay to find dating entertaining — provided it’s not being used solely for that purpose. What is not okay is using a relationship to meet every need we have. That’s not a reasonable request of a romantic partner, and we will always end up disappointed.
I know why it happens because I’ve been there. When we don’t have strong self-worth or even a strong support system, we can hang on to one person to meet all our relational needs. But we will always be disappointed because no one person can be everything.
That’s why it’s so important to get a life. To make friends. To explore new interests or return to old ones we abandoned along the way. To develop hobbies. To create a life independent of whether or not we have a significant other.
We both want and need relationships. But sometimes, we might need to take a closer look at the why of our dating habits. If we’ve seen ourselves in the aforementioned scenarios, we might want to take a pause from trying to connect with others and make a stronger effort to connect with and get to know ourselves. In other words, we might need to get a life, not a partner.
