Should We Search for Our Soulmate?

Is total agreement possible? Is it preferable?

Soulmate? I have no evidence that there is such a thing, but hypothetically, let’s suppose that there is one and only one perfect match for you, someone who thinks just as you do. We’ll assume that the moment our eyes meet, we instantly (within a couple of nanoseconds) know this is The One, as Neo or Trinity would call them in The Matrix.

Should you set out to find that person?

Let’s probe the statistics scientists love to compile, always considering common sense about relationships to answer that hypothetical.

Just how huge might this search be?

There are 7.9 billion humans alive on planet Earth in 2022. We’ll assume perfect pairs are not separated in time to keep the search for The One achievable, and here’s why. We don’t know how many humans have lived, but estimates are around 100 billion. If your one true match could have lived and died before you were born, you would have a 93.1% chance your lovemate is already dead.

We’d also have to include the incalculable horde that may live and love in a future where we colonize space. No rational deity would design a world where our one flawless spouse was, in our timeline, either already dead or as yet unborn. So we’ll assume your perfect partner will always live simultaneously with you. Thank you, Deity.

Of course, we can’t assume that your soulmate speaks the same native tongue that you do. Their native language could be any of our planet’s languages. But since our thesis is that you both know you’re a match within two nanoseconds or so, there will be plenty of time for language lessons after you lovebirds meet. Now, about meeting, how much area must you scour to ensure that a meeting actually occurs?

Statisticians tell us that Earth has about 150 million sq km (57.5 million sq mi) of land area. Since humans now live in relatively permanent settlements on all continents — Antarctica included — you’d need to search them all. Just covering population centers wouldn’t do, as your unique soulmate could be on a farm or in a remote cabin deep in some old-growth forest. There are 195 nations globally, and I am not crazy enough to calculate the planetary average farm size. You can use the average farm in the USA, at 179 acres, as a guide to the scope of your search. Let’s hope your perfect sweetheart’s not on a farm surrounded by an electrified fence or one populated by dangerous animals such as bulls.

Given the search scope, finding Mr. or Ms. Right would pose a predicament, but let’s assume that you rise to the challenge. Remember, we also assumed that the moment our eyes meet, we instantly (within a couple of nanoseconds) know that we were meant for one another. What if we don’t, and your instant attraction is not returned? Well, our statistical nonsense would stop right there, and that’s no fun, so let’s suppose we live in a world where love interests always find a way. I have no proof, but I intuitively think we inhabit such a world. I know my balderdash would be derailed at this point if love did not find a way. So let’s keep rolling.

You manage to overcome the enormous odds against finding your one true soulmate. You both instantly know that you are perfect halves, and you connect to make a whole. If you’re cisgender, you could learn more about the opposite gender from your new love, but not much beyond that. If you are attracted to same-sex partners, you won’t even learn about the opposite sex. Remember, our premise here is that your alter-ego thinks exactly as you do. Growth comes from loving people who patiently open our eyes to new truths, not from living in a filter bubble where all we hear are echoes of our own thoughts. We poor humans are mistaken about most of our beliefs, and growth comes from constantly trying to be less wrong.

The brilliant comedian and philosopher Tim Minchin captured the problem beautifully in his song, “If I Didn’t Have You”.

If you’re still reading at this point, I love you. I also love these people for inspiring this exercise in silliness.

• xkcd.com author, artist, and comedian Randal Munroe for writing what if? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions. Near the front of his recent book, he turns his wit and art toward answering the question of soulmate reality. Reading it inspired this work.
• My younger son, who gave me what if.
• You, for reading all of my flight of fancy.
• I love you again if you click the clap icon often (clicking and holding the clapping hands down will rapidly run the applause count up to its maximum of 50 claps).
• I particularly love those readers who comment, even if it’s criticism. In fact, I love criticism because if you’re right, you’ll help me be less wrong.