Should Straight Men Date Trans Women?

Dating Trans women is still taboo, Even to ‘Liberals’. Have you ever asked yourself why? Let’s discuss.

TL;DR: Yes, they should.

Thanks for reading!

Oh. Are you still here? Okay, I guess I should explain.

Throughout western society, trans people have had a unique challenge with finding acceptance in women’s spaces. Many people like J.K Rowling claim to support trans rights, but in the same extremely long-winded breath of a TERF apologetic essay, they explain their discomfort with trans people sharing women’s bathrooms.

I could toss at least a thousand words about J.K Rowling and her opinions, but I want to focus this piece on the question in the title. If you follow and stick around, I will be putting out a retort to her essay.

In her essay she mentioned that “The hundreds of emails I’ve received in the last few days prove this erosion concerns many others just as much. It isn’t enough for women to be trans allies. Women must accept and admit that there is no material difference between trans women and themselves.”

Her silent majority do not outweigh scientific consensus; therefore, it isn’t wrongthink. It’s just wrong. This fallacy of weak induction may persuade the over 300,000 estimated blog visitors or 14 million followers that trans people aren’t equals.

Okay, let’s get back to center and break two common myths:

Myth #1: Dating a Trans-woman makes you gay. - Actually, sexual arousal research has shown that the response patterns of men who find transgender women attractive resemble the profile of a heterosexual male. The majority of the men studied showed little interest in men.[1, 2]
Myth #2: Gay men transition to Trans to trick straight men into sex. - The stereotype that transexuals are ‘purposefully deceptive’ drives many to believe they are exploiting women’s spaces and tricking men into sex. This mentality stems mostly from media. Many people make a consensus without having much if any, experience or understanding of the long, exhausting ordeal of transitioning as a trans person. It’s a transphobic trope that I’d like to write further on in a separate piece.

None of this is new. Gender has always been flexible.

Gender, the roles, and orientation have always been fluid in the West. Much of the change is due to social and economic class. The women of the westward expansion shared hard labor, farming, and even gained the right to vote decades before the East. Not because the people of the West were a bunch of feminists but because every individual was a valuable citizen in their society and every extra vote helped distribute representation accordingly.

Looking deeper into social movements that caused a dramatic change in the young country of America, you also notice demeanor, clothing, and even vocal tone shifts with gender roles. When most of society is more concerned about survival, people tend to care less about how you prefer to dress.

Harry Allen is a perfect example of an early adopter to identifying more masculine over a century ago. Not all the public was okay with his actions or lifestyle, but undoubtedly, he felt safer in his lifestyle in the more ‘rebellious’ west.

What comes with fluid gender identity, people’s sexual and romantic interest follows. Many Native Americans completely dismiss the gender binary as a western concept. Harry Allen had his hetero cis-mistress, two-spirit Natives were socially and sexually flexible in their communities, and heterosexual bitter white southern terrorists raped Frances Thompson (a trans-black woman) in 1866.

Globally, gender roles and orientation can vary significantly by culture. Modern Thai culture recognizes Kathoey as a third gender and sex, albeit much of their ‘acceptance’ is from a religious belief. Albanians accept Burrnesha or ‘sworn virgins’ as a third gender. You can even find evidence of gender fluidity in ancient Mesopotamian times.

Observing these significant historical points should make you ask yourself, “what is the difference between gender and sex?”. When a shift in gender can cause some heterosexual people in society to form romantic and sexual interest, it shows that humans are more inclined to base their interest in a portrayed gender and less about the one from birth.

So why are men attracted to trans women?

Heterosexual men become attracted to trans women for the same reasons they find cis-women attractive. Humans inherently have sexual characteristics. From reproductive organs, physical features, behavior, and demeanor, all of these sexual traits vary by culture. In some countries, people admire men’s v-line (adonis belt), women breast, or even men’s feet.

The visual, aural, and tactile stimulation influences a person’s interest in another.

Some may say: “Cis-women have an innate pheromone that trans-women can’t have”.

Despite what people believe, research has shown that cis-women possess no natural pheromone or exclusive feature that men recognize sexually. Instead, we do see there’s a learned association between the odorant and the target sex. The thought of what original sex or gender they had at birth is not the primary concern. Neither is the thought that they may have a penis.

A 2016 study that used the penile plethysmograph demonstrated that the arousal patterns, genital and subjective, of men who report attraction to transgender women who have “female-typical physical characteristics (e.g. breasts) while retaining a penis” are similar to those of straight men and different from those of gay men. — Kevin J Hsu; David Miller; J. Michael Bailey (2016).

In regards to trans men dating gay men, research has shown similar patterns:

Trans activist Jamison Green writes that cisgender gay men who are partnered with trans men “are often surprised to find that a penis is not what defines a man, that the lack of a penis does not mean a lack of masculinity, manliness, or male sexuality.” — Green, Jamison (2004)

Some research has shown that around 87.5% in this study of cis-men and women would not publically date transgender people. That number should surprise you, especially if you have a friend or partner who is trans and have observed them in the dating world. Just hop on youtube and type “Transgender tinder experiment”.

Trans women don’t need to trick heterosexual men into being sexual or romantic interests. We are very much willing to do so without motivation. That being said, many may attempt to hide their desire or get cold feet before a date.

What may stop men from openly dating trans women is that cis-women and other men judge them. It’s so severely taboo that even liberal-minded people will think differently of you. Much of the violence towards trans people come from their partners who are bullied by their peers. That’s not an excuse to hurt your partner, but it is the reality of the situation. Many women think of men differently when they date trans people, family, and friends as well.

Albeit some men may say they would possibly find a trans woman attractive, they wouldn’t see the penis as attractive. I can understand, we all have preferences after all. Not all trans women have a penis, though, and many of those men who would use that excuse would STILL reject a trans woman who is post-op for the fact that it is taboo.

The Taboo (also, Dogmatism): The ancient fallacy of unilaterally declaring certain “bedrock” arguments, assumptions, dogmas, standpoints or actions “sacrosanct” and not open to discussion, or arbitrarily taking some emotional tones, logical standpoints, doctrines or options “off the table” beforehand.

I think a valid concern many people have with dating trans is the HIV risks. One thing I would ask of men and women who have this concern is, do you also have the same level of anxiety with cis partners? Albeit it is true the HIV rates in the trans community are higher than the cis population, the trans community is MUCH more likely to be regularly tested. When you meet a random man at a festival and smash in a tent, you’re engaging in much more risky behavior.

PrEP is also a thing.

PrEP has prevailed throughout the LGBTQ+ community, and rates of transmission of HIV have dramatically dropped. Most men who are sexually active will eventually hear about PrEP.

We can recognize our colorism, racist stereotypes & discrimination are wrong and shift our mind to being open to interracial dating. Unfortunately, in regards to this taboo that shares many of the same struggles, many people refuse to budge EVEN if they agree with the science.

I don’t like to throw terms like TERF and transphobic often. I know from experience that a hard rock will just break a soft head. If someone is willing to debate me on such a controversial topic, I am going to attempt to educate and question their beliefs to see if they can reflect on them to see if they are rooted in logic.

What do I hope people take from this? That we should rethink what we are accustomed to and start including trans people in our lives equally. You may preach for LGBTQ+ rights but are you practicing what you preach?

Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth.

Charles A. Dana US newspaper editor (1819–1897)

@MansaBrice is part expat, part fitness buff, part vagabond, and part writer. With a combined experience of everything from Cultural Anthropology, Sociology, and of course the Black Experience. He’s on Instagram and Twitter.