Should Single People Seek a COVID-19 Sex Buddy?

This is the Dutch Government’s advice to citizens. It’s missing the bigger picture.

Last week, the Dutch Government advised singletons to seek a COVID-19 ‘sex buddy’.

The advice came from the Dutch National Institute for Public Health and the Environment (RIVM). It appeared shortly after a witty column by a Dutch journalist, Linda Duits.

The Government had until then urged its 18 million citizens to only engage in sex with a ‘permanent partner’. Duits’ column disputed that this discriminated against single people. After all, by definition single people lack a steady partner. She cited the World Health Organization (WHO) in recognizing sexual expression and enjoyment as a human right.

Her writing struck like lightning. The Dutch RIVM website hurried to revise their sex and COVID-19 guidance.

“Everyone craves physical contact”, Dutch officials apologized. But, they warned, the more people you have contact with, the higher your risk of contracting COVID-19. Thus, single people should consider identifying one sole sex partner, for now. The RIVM cheered folks on to find a ‘hug or sex buddy’. They should make good arrangements with this person about how many other people they both see.

As they revealed their new guidelines, Dutch twitter exploded. Dutch people tweeted that ‘they had permission from the RIVM’ and advertised themselves as potential sex buddy candidates.

Then, international news outlets started picking up the juicy developments.

The Guardian politely remarked that is was a ‘typically open-minded intervention’ from the Dutch.

The New York Daily snickered: “Coronavirus checklist: food, water . . . sex buddy?”

The New York Post taunted: “The Dutch government advises ‘Horny Dutch citizens’ to find a sex buddy”.

When I stumbled upon the news, the first thought that popped into my mind was ‘this can only happen in Holland’.

As a native Dutch who has resided in the UK and the US for years, I am largely unfazed by striking cultural differences. The Dutch, I discovered long ago, hold a reputation for bluntness and brutal honesty.

But, besides dazzling cultural issues, a few questions nagged my brain.

First, will governments’ encouragement of no-strings-attached sex with one person affect COVID-19 transmission?

Second, does science suggest that singles indeed thrive when they have a sex buddy?

What do we know about COVID-19 and sex?

Journalist Duits, who is an expert in gender issues, cited evidence from the AIDS epidemic. “If we have learned anything from the Aids epidemic, it is that not having sex is not an option.”

HIV prevention shows that encouraging people not to have sex at all backfires. This is also painstakingly clear from abstinence education in the US. Abstinence-only sex education leads to higher rates of teenage pregnancy, STD’s and HIV. Even so, in many US states abstinence education is still mandatory in high schools.

Many public health officials in the US urge that teaching young people safe sex is a human right. The Dutch government has long prided itself on doing so.

But, for COVID-19 is there such a thing as safe sex?

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the WHO keep silent when it comes to sex and COVID-19. But most experts assure that you can have sex with a permanent partner (whom you live with). As long as both partners are not sick.

New research found that semen samples contain traces of COVID-19. But, the authors explained that it’s too early to tell whether COVID-19 can be sexually transmitted.

Some experts still suggest waiting 30 days after recovering from the virus before having sex. And, to use a condom once recovered.

But, even with no sex, any type of close contact you have with others increases the risk of infection. After all, COVID-19 spreads through the air when infected people cough, sneeze or talk.

Although a lot is unclear, the overarching advice is: the safest sex partner you have is yourself.

There is no way to know if advising people to find just one casual sexual partner will decrease the chance they seek multiple partners.

Does having a sex buddy ease psychological suffering?

In other words, will people feel better if they can have sex in the absence of a permanent relationship?

The answer: it’s complicated. I stumbled on many theories and opinions about the benefits and downsides of casual sex.

A large study discovered a negative relationship between casual sex and wellbeing. In heterosexual college students, those who had more casual sex felt higher distress. This held for both men and women.

But, other research illuminates the role of mind-set. Those with positive attitudes on casual sex, trot off after the act without regret. Yet if commitment-free sex did not fit with people’s personal values, they felt burdened. The stigma that surrounds casual sex might crush positive and pleasurable feelings.

Some research also found no mental health differences.

In sum, the research is inconclusive and whether casual sex helps or harms mental health may depend on the person.

Also, a caveat of these studies is that they investigate young, heterosexual people. And, the definitions of casual sex vary. They range from many sexual partners and one-night stands to friends with benefits.

Finally, these studies can’t make conclusions about causality. Do people engage in commitment-free sex because they already feel a certain way? Or does casual sex make them feel happy or depressed?

Sex comes with many health benefits.

Your heart-rate spikes, your blood pounds through your veins, your breathing accelerates. Both your cardiovascular system and your immunize system get a boost from sex. But, this does not mean that you can’t be healthy if you’re not having it. Though sex can improve your health, there are other, perhaps more effective ways of transforming your body. Like regular exercise, which aids almost everything in the physical and mental. Strong friendships are also potential lifesavers. Even people who are celibate need not worry. The National Health Service in the UK assures that according to a long-term study, Many nuns live well into their 90s and past 100.

Thus, though sex has many health benefits, you can also achieve many of them without it.

The problem of the loneliness epidemic.

Missing sex is only part of the problem. Even before the pandemic, 3 in 5 Americans considered themselves lonely.

Everyone craves feeling loved, appreciated and supported. This may be even truer in a situation of crisis and uncertainty. It is important to acknowledge that no sex is frustrating for many. ‘Skin-hunger’ is real. Some experts even suggest hugging yourself, giving yourself a massage, or getting a pet. Some may miss sex most, others may long for a relationship.

After all, the pandemic shines a bright and blinding spotlight on being single. Especially now that many things that make single life fun are on hold. No spontaneous dates, rush of a new fling, or the excitement of traveling alone. Social distancing may intensify missing a relationship. And our society glorifies relationships.

But, relationships are no panacea. There are plenty of couples who suffer from too much togetherness in this pandemic. Spending heaps of time together can make or break couples.

Even without COVID-19, love often crumbles to the power of human insecurity, fear and ego. And now, love faces a whole new challenge. How do we go about finding, and keeping love, in a worldwide lockdown?

What are the rules of love in a society that practices distancing?

How can we sweep each other off our feet when we can’t physically lift the other in the air?

These are questions begging for our attention. They require intense and continuous dialogue.

Having a sex buddy may ease the discomfort of romantic disconnection. But, it might not be feasible given the current need for social distancing. Nor is it likely a longer-term solution to combatting the loneliness many are facing.

Some days ago, the Dutch Public Health website again revised their advice. Officials stammered that their guidance on sex buddies caused too much commotion. It also lacked nuance. They feared that the public would twist their words into a license to end social distancing.

Currently, the Dutch Government acknowledges that COVID-19 is difficult for single people. And it now advises, as before, to only have sex with a steady partner. Singletons should once again reach for video chat, masturbation and sex toys (by themselves) to feed their sexual hunger.

My take-away from this, is that we should talk more about love and sex during a pandemic. Because closeness and human contact are essential needs. I am convinced that thinking of ways to combat rising loneliness is imperative.

This is far more sophisticated than a single line of governmental advice about sex buddies.