Relationships/Sex/Health
Should My Partner & I Sleep In Separate Bedrooms?
The idea has been admittedly tantalizing.
It was 3 am. There I was lying wide awake in the dark, seething with rage at my partner — whom I love.
His snoring was incessant. Funnily enough, just 5 hours earlier we had been enjoying a Netflix documentary together and snuggling peacefully.
Over the years, this scenario had been playing out more and more frequently and I was finding myself lying in bed, awake, with my blood pressure rising out of sheer exasperation.
I was seriously beginning to consider something I’d heard about other couples trying.
Sleeping in separate beds and/or bedrooms.
According to a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation, almost one in four married couples sleep in separate beds. Sometimes the reason for resorting to this could be snoring (like in my case), differing schedules, children sleeping in the parental bed, or even physical ailments such as restless leg syndrome.
Whereas in the past it may have been stigmatized for couples to sleep in separate beds with the implication being that they aren’t happy in their relationship or sexually attracted to one another — now it’s actually being recommended for people in relationships for one main reason that has nothing to do with love or sex.
It’s about sleep. Specifically a lack of it.
In my own personal situation, that’s exactly what’s happening. It’s not a lack of love for my partner or a sexual rejection of him. It’s literally the fact that he snores to excess and if I wake up in the middle of the night, I can’t go back to sleep with him next to me making all that racket.
And — no — I’m not open to wearing earplugs as my mother-in-law once suggested. I’m not cool with being totally deaf to the world at night — especially with kids in the house.
According to Jill Lankler, a New York clinical psychologist and life coach — couples are losing sleep. They’re waking each other up, and there is resentment that begins to build up in a relationship.
Lankler also says that a couple’s sex life won’t be ruined by sleeping apart any more than it would be by a TV in a shared bedroom.
That makes sense to me as our TV certainly does come between me and my partner pretty much every night. We often end up falling asleep watching a show instead of being intimate. Why not have a date for sex in one bed (or wherever!) and then split up to sleep separately and presumably more soundly?
Believe me, my partner has tried everything to try and stop his snoring, and some of the remedies have helped, though not permanently. The thought of having a wall between us and visualizing myself getting a full night’s sleep is tantalizing.
The issue of disrupted sleep isn’t something that should be taken lightly, either. Per Healthline, getting enough sleep is necessary for various reasons, including maintaining your immune system, metabolic functions, and memories, as well as regulating your body weight.
A lack of sleep also affects every relationship we have including the one we have with ourselves. Without enough sleep, we get cranky, and impatient, and are much less likely to enjoy the company of others. This is especially true for people in relationships who live with and sleep with one another.
Are my partner and I seriously headed for separate bedrooms? Maybe — but we don’t currently have an extra bedroom. At this point, one of us would have to go to the couch which isn’t ideal for either of us, quite frankly.
In the meantime, we will keep trying remedies for my partner’s snoring.
There are certainly a whole lot of pros for sleeping separately. I’m pondering the idea of separate bedrooms and the benefits it could bring — provided I can have an extra bedroom one day.
*What do you think about couples sleeping in separate bedrooms? Have you already tried it yourself? What were the results?