Should I Stay or Should I Go?

#18 Are you not sure? Then it’s time to address the problem. Series: How We Can Fix the Imperfections

How to live in a relationship

I am currently trying to find out

— how we can cope with the challenges of living in a relationship, and

— how we can build and strengthen the relationship so that we continue to develop as individuals and together as a couple.

When a poor relationship seems to never end, there may be many reasons for this. Four words that describe this can be:

- security,

- the habit,

- the economy,

- the family.

- Security: You prefer the familiar and secure rather than the unknown.

- The habit: After all, one thrives with what one is used to, and it is the easiest to just let it be that way.

- Economy: Going away from each other is an earthquake, not least when it comes to economics. A person who is used to living in a household with two incomes knows very well that he / she will struggle economically when the single life starts.

- The family: Breaking up a relationship is experienced by most as a formidable defeat, not least if the two married while everything was still rosy, and especially if there are also children in the picture.

What characterizes these reasons why the relationship continues is that the choices are based on a basic and genuine felt, but often superficial assessment of what to do:

• Is it wise for me to leave him / her when it will give me a much worse economy?
• Does it make sense to start talking about this now? Can’t it wait either? Wait and see?
• I want to see it a little bit. He has improved a bit lately …
• I know what I have, but not what I get.
• No, it’s gonna wait. Can’t answer this now!

Why relationships end

There is no doubt that many relationships end with one or more very good reasons:

• There may be personal circumstances, that the characteristics of the two partners characters are not very compatible.
• One or both are emotionally unstable, which often leads to frequent rubs and conflicts.
• One or both no longer feel that the couple is linked together as in the beginning. The relationship has lost the spark, they now lack the little magic that is usually present between two in a relationship that works well.
• The erotic and the intimate parts work less good, the partners lose each other emotionally and when it comes to closeness. The sex life falls asleep.

A relationship often starts very randomly, in many cases almost miraculously. Just think about it: That you were right there this special day, and that you suddenly saw her over there. That you saw her right in this situation, at this moment.

The light from the spotlight fell on her in a way that made you couldn’t get your eyes off her. Her hair in the light of the spotlight, the movement she did with her arm as she turned so you could see her face.

And her eyes right away as you noticed she saw you. Her gaze that dwelt a long second before moving to a place behind and above you, before her gaze again was forced back to you.

And you knew in your heart that this was something.

You needed to get closer to her, find out a little more.

After the first few months together you may have found that everything is really good. This is so good! You’ve found your partner for life. She is the sunshine of your life! She is the one you will never let go.

Perhaps it will continue like this next year. And the next. And next. That’s how many relationships are. You two have found something together. You have something valuable, which only the two of you know, that you two own together. Something solid and strong that you can build your life on.

Children come into the picture. You become a small family. You make another child, and all of a sudden you are in the middle of the chaos of diaper change, whining and howling toddlers raging around in the overcrowded apartment and pulling the forces out of you.

You try as well as you can

Most people try to live up to the requirements. You try as well as you can to not lose each other. Not lose what you had. Trying to take care of what made you two come together.

The closest people around you, your family, your colleagues, and your friends will follow you closely. They see that you are making a great effort, that you are perhaps working a little more than what is good.

You are the everyday heroes of their children. And family and friends see this.

But they also see signs of wear. They also see that you begin to struggle with each other, that you have started talking to each other in other ways. You are less cautious when you talk, and sometimes also shout to each other in the middle of everyday chaos.

You may be able to pass through it. Many couples manage it. Many couples manage to take care of the relationship and each other, and there are many good reasons for that.

Some such reasons are obvious and self-evident. Such as that both of you are emotionally stable, solid people, and that you have also committed to building a close and solid relationship where you are honest with each other and talk to each other in ways that do not violate the other.

You are aware that these are important dimensions in any good relationship, and you are conscious of showing the other that you see her/him, and appreciate the person she/he is.

The importance of seeing each other

You see each other in everyday life and you show it as best you can. But sometimes this is not enough.

Many couples are struggling to keep up, whether they have children and almost uninterrupted noise and hardship, and great challenges, or they live a quiet life as two single grown-ups in a silent relationship.

What interests me when I work on these topics is what makes people succeed, and what is decisive when everything breaks apart?

There are no simple answers:

What can a couple do when the relationship seems to fail?

What can they do when one of them suffers from poor communication and lack of connection, and the other says it’s okay?

When is a relationship worth fighting for, and when is it not worth fighting for?

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