Should Black Women Hate ‘Brown Sugar’?

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Abstract

But I learned to forgive. I learned to practise empathy and understand the 7-year-old, I knew she hadn’t intended to hurt Betsy. We never told her that Besty died but I am sure she would have been mortified and filled with remorse for a long time. That idea of empathy, the understanding that people have different values, priorities or ethics and behave in different ways has always helped me to forgive. I did not believe in carrying grudges, life was too short to be resentful.</p><p id="b8f5" type="7">That same idea of empathy and forgiveness was also the reason I stayed in abusive relationships</p><h2 id="1ccb">Abusers use forgiveness against you</h2><p id="ff7a"><i>“You are not being fair, people make mistakes!” “Come on, that was ages ago, have you still not forgiven me?” “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”</i></p><p id="3167">These are some of the things my ex would say when I got upset about his behaviour. When you are in an abusive relationship, the concept of forgiveness can quickly become a weapon the abuser uses to keep you trapped. The idea that you must forgive them is like permission to continue with the abuse. Lundy Bancroft, who has worked with over 2000 abusive men writes:</p><p id="7386" type="7">“My clients demand forgiveness while continuing to insult, threaten, demand immediate responses, attend only to their own needs, and more.” (Why Does He Do That? p. 217)</p><h2 id="f5de">Forgiveness requires remorse</h2><p id="9234">I always thought forgiveness was unconditional. Although I am not religious, I was brought up going to church and reading the bible. The concept of forgiveness I had was influenced by the phrases and sermons I had picked up at a young age. <i>“Bear with each other and <b>forgive</b> one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. <b>Forgive</b> as the Lord forgave you.” </i>I thought it meant that you have to forgive everyone and anyone no matter what they had done. But there is one point I never knew: This idea of forgiveness is based on the assumption that the person I am forgiving shows remorse.</p><p id="c92b" type="7">Overlooked in common Christian understanding of forgiveness is the necessary part of repentance by the wrongdoer. John McKinley</p><p id="d22c">One of the most difficult concepts to understand after <a href="https://readmedium.com/13-signs-i-dated-a-narcissist-44d1db6ee3e4">my relationship with a narcissist</a> was that there are people who are incapable of feelin

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g remorse. He never apologised or cared about what happened to me. When he left, it was as if he had turned off a switch, his new victim was all that mattered and I never existed. Part of me was hoping for a long time that I would receive an apology. But I know that it will not happen. Although I understand now <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-a-narcissist-prepares-you-for-the-abuse-6383e7c92873">how abusive he was</a>, in his mind, he has done nothing wrong. <i>He does not seek forgiveness.</i></p><h2 id="5d37">Forgive yourself</h2><p id="46a4">I don’t think I need to forgive him to lead a happier and healthier life. I do not believe that forgiveness is part of the healing process unless it is directed at myself. <i>Forgiving yourself is key</i>.</p><p id="7171">Forgive yourself for not seeing it, for staying longer than you should have. Forgive yourself for moments you were weak and for moments when you might feel week again. Forgive yourself for ways you have behaved or things you have said. Forgive yourself for all the things you feel remorse over. Forgive yourself for never being able to forgive those that show no remorse.</p><h2 id="2210">More from Kara Summers:</h2><div id="b84b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/do-you-feel-like-you-are-constantly-upsetting-your-partner-b1e9f5fcd6df"> <div> <div> <h2>Do You Feel Like You Are Constantly Upsetting Your Partner?</h2> <div><h3>Make sure you aren’t the one who is the real victim.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*7hsqJBnmFY3IjI7k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="fc43" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-toxic-relationship-ffb487a213ec"> <div> <div> <h2>A Day in the Life of a Toxic Relationship</h2> <div><h3>Many don’t recognise narcissistic abuse when they are caught in the middle.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ul7zBaj8k26PDM4k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

The Rolling Stones hit launched countless debates and sleepless nights.

Photo: Wikimedia Commons

As the Aretha Franklin tributes pour in over the coming weeks, two of her singles that probably won’t be mentioned in any of the best-of lists are covers of top-five ’60s hits by The Rolling Stones: “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” (from 1967’s Aretha Arrives, which also includes her equally-stunning reconstruction of ? and the Mysterians’ “96 Tears”) and “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” (from 1986’s Aretha).

Now that The Queen is gone, we’ll never know what an Aretha Franklin duet with Mick Jagger would have sounded like (Is there one out there that I’m not aware of?), or what she thought of The Rolling Stones’ 1971 number-one single “Brown Sugar”

Scarred old slaver knows he’s doin’ all right Hear him whip the women just around midnight — “Brown Sugar,” The Rolling Stones One read of those lyrics from the first verse, and it should be pretty clear why this is a song that has contributed to a number of debates and (for me) sleepless nights. Sometimes I feel seriously guilt-ridden over its status as my favorite of all the Stones’ American Top 40 hits. It’s hard to listen to a lyric like the one above and not think of Michael Fassbender’s Edwin Epps and Lupita Nyong’o’s Patsey in 12 Years a Slave. Some insist that Mick sang “with” and not “whip,” but with or without a whip, the image is still a heinous one. First off, let me emphasize that I do not believe Mick Jagger, who wrote the lyrics, is racist. The Rolling Stones did more for the mainstreaming of American blues music (and by extension, blues musicians, who were mostly black) than any other British Invasion band. And when it came to girlfriends, Mick certainly didn’t seem to have any color limitations. He even fathered a daughter by Marsha Hunt, a black actress who appeared in the original London production of Hair.

But if you look past the Stones’ incredible musicianship (no doubt admired by members of Foreigner, whose “Hot Blooded” would open with pretty much the same guitar riff later in the ’70s) and Mick’s intoxicating vocals on “Brown Sugar,” you’ll realize how brutal the lyrics are. It’s amazing that this song was a huge number-one hit in 1971, at the height of “Black Power” and just a few years after the Civil Rights Movement was in full swing. If it were released today, I can’t imagine that the PC brigade would even allow “Brown Sugar” to be played on the radio. I like to think Mick’s heart was in the right place, even if his head wasn’t. The Stones’ “Brown Sugar,” like the different song with the identical name that would provide the title of D’Angelo’s debut album 24 years later, is first and foremost a celebration of black female sexuality. But what should we make of its first two verses, which are set on a plantation during slavery times? And what about the rockin’ tempo? It’s not the mournful dirge that a slavery-referencing song probably should be (hear “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” and “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot,” both appropriately solemn), but a rollicking party song.

I don’t know what Mick’s true intentions were, and if I ever get to interview him, that will be the first thing I ask. Second question: Does he really think the rape of black female slaves by their white masters was the good time that “Brown Sugar” makes those midnight sessions out to be?

By juxtaposing the rape of black female slaves by their white masters with the third verse’s modern boy lusting after a black girl (while fantasizing about her mother!), “Brown Sugar” makes a direct link between old-school racism and jungle fever (an offensive phrase that suggests black people are animals, which is even worse than likening us to food). This is a crucial connection, and I’d give kudos to Mick if his intention was to get listeners thinking as well as rocking. According to him, there was no real method to the madness that is “Brown Sugar.” The lyrics are practically a stream of consciousness.

“God knows what I’m on about in that song,” he told Rolling Stone magazine in 1995, adding that it was a “very instant thing.”

The white-on-black sentiment was clearly based on reality, and whether white people are brave enough to admit it or not, being attracted to black people sexually doesn’t automatically absolve a white person of racist impulses. There can certainly be a racist element to white-on-black attraction, particularly when it ventures into the realm of fetishism and objectification, when blacks cease being multi-dimensional individuals and exist only as a collective sexual entity. Can I enjoy “Brown Sugar” without guilt by pretending it’s commenting on this misguidedness and not celebrating it? The track’s raucous spirit suggests the latter, but my knowledge of the Stones’ history with black music/musicians makes me hope for more. The big neon glittering question mark hanging over “Brown Sugar” is why I kind of despise myself for loving it as much as I do.

In my book Is It True What They Say About Black Men?, I tell the story of Alvaro, a guy in Buenos Aires who reacted horribly when I rejected him. He didn’t stop at hurling the N-word at me. He also threw in some vivid slave imagery, announcing that I should be picking cotton on a plantation in Alabama! I wonder if he was listening to “Brown Sugar” the entire time he was courting me and totally identifying with that “scarred old slaver.” Mick is said to have written the song for either Marsha Hunt or Claudia Lennear, who was a member of Ike and Tina Turner’s Ikettes. Even if he didn’t, I imagine both black women must have heard it. As much as I’d love to know what Mick was thinking when he wrote “Brown Sugar,” I’m dying even more to know what they were thinking when they listened to it for the first time. Brown Sugar, how come you taste so good Brown Sugar, just like a black girl should It sounds like high praise indeed, but nothing compared to what’s showered on the object of the Stones’ affection (either a girl, presumably white, or heroin) four U.S. singles later in “Angie.” “Brown Sugar” gets the rough sex. “Angie” gets the tough (as in durable) love. Her song may be the tearjerker and, in my opinion, the lesser of the two, but I’d rather have what she’s having.