Satire
Short of Immaculate Conception, Men are 50% Responsible for Pregnancy
I’m moving to Texas to seek my fortune
Since writing about Texas over these last few weeks I’ve gotten a number of comments from readers questioning my criticism based on the fact that people … including New Yorkers, seem to be moving to the Lone Star State in droves. Even Californians seem to be seeking Texas’ hospitality, so how bad can it be?
The obvious implication is that it can’t be so terrible if everyone wants to live there. And, I have to admit that I am curious as to why otherwise intelligent people would voluntarily put themselves under authoritarian government.
And then it hit me like a ton … no, maybe two tons of bricks falling on my head.
It’s the economy, stupid.
These crafty men who run that state are actually economic geniuses, and I for one am considering getting on the bandwagon of what might be the easiest way to make my fortune since the invention of Bitcoin.
Their law allowing citizens to arrest anyone responsible for assisting a woman to procure an abortion and to get a $10,000 bounty for doing it is pure economic genius.
This means that anyone working in an abortion clinic is liable. Not just the doctor. The people who answer the phone, the people who clean the windows, heck … the guy down the street who delivers pizza for the staff on a Friday night could technically be aiding and abetting.
If you drive someone to the clinic, you can be charged. I suppose if you are a bus driver and transport a woman to get an abortion, you would be liable.
People who work at the phone company who allowed an abortion-seeking woman to call her mother for help are potential criminals.
The list goes on and on.
After all, it takes a village to raise a child.
Last but not least, and please correct me if I am wrong, but short of Immaculate Conception, in most situations, pregnancy requires that a second perpetrator be present. And, that second responsible party is a male. Therefore, it logically follows that when a woman seeks an abortion, she has to have been “helped” by some man who “got her pregnant” to begin with.
Consequently, going into business arresting men who have aided the woman should be an incredibly lucrative business.
Now I realize that my “logic” in all of this might be slightly fuzzy. But we’re talking about lunacy here. Thinking this new law is justifiable requires people who are one egg short of a Texas blue plate special in the first place, so if my reasoning seems a little foggy, consider the situation.
When it comes right down to it, every man, woman and child is potentially liable for aiding and abetting — think six degrees of separation.
With the right resources, we can put the entire population in the State of Texas behind bars within a year! Think of what it would do for the private prison industry. Imagine the investment opportunities this concept gives to say, the tie wrap manufacturing business who make wrist restraints. Take a moment and think what it does for the number of judges necessary to prosecute all these cases.
Employment opportunities abound. This could be the most brilliant jobs program since Roosevelt created the WPA.
By the way, is the bounty tax free? It should be as we are providing a public service to keep our neighbors safe.
In any event it would a chance for me to finally quit all this writing hoopla, go to Texas and make my fortune.
Y’all should be thinking about this.
