Shocked By His Statement

about his quiet suffering!

A thought-provoking incident awakened my senses, and I realized how intense love and devotion for another person affects people, their work and, their attitude in life. Here is the story.

I am assigned to the same cities yearly for the deployment events of the DOD service members. At times I am fortunate to process a familiar soldier at that facility.

Besides evaluating, Medical, Emotional, Psychological, and social history, a member will sometimes discuss highlights in his family, like a new baby, the graduation of a son, special activities of a daughter, and happy events in life worth coming home to after deployment.

In the past three years, thirty-six -year old, robust, athletic Staff Sergeant Paulsen has always been quiet and reserved at his appointments. He mentions the joy in his life is a teen daughter, a competitive swimmer. It appears her Dad is her idol.

Paulsen loved the Military. He worked for a clean bill of health to qualify for other deployments.

In November 2011, I saw Sergeant Paulsen for his assessment at the base on Oahu. He’d returned from the Marshall Islands and attended that day for his post-deployment evaluation.

I was a little surprised by his relaxed, talkative attitude.

Since I was aware of his pride in his daughter, I ventured to ask about her progress.

Here is what he said;

“ You know, Ma’am, my daughter and her Mom died in an MVA on their way to her swim practice two months ago.”

Stunned by the news, I cupped my face with my hands and whimpered sympathy and shock. Then Paulsen said.

“No, No, I appreciate your sympathy. I am sad, but I have no regrets about the loss any longer. You see, I have had hidden a love relationship with a particular person for five years. My friends and family did not know.

This secret burdened my life to the extent, where it affected my mind and my work. At times I considered taking my own life. I have not known worse misery in this life. But now I am free of this guilt!”

“Do you see the Captain sitting at the Vitals desk? He is the love of my life. I have never felt such intense love for anyone. Yes, I am sad at the loss of my daughter, especially.

My wife had her interests. We had an arrangement for the sake of my child, and no, I will not say anything negative about her.”

He continued:

“I cannot imagine the pain I would have caused my young girl if she’d found out her Dad was not straight. She would never have accepted it. I can only tell you my feelings. The loss of my wife and daughter helped me to get away from the stress of living a double life. In a way, it is a relief that I can come out now.”

I could sense Paulsen was sincere. It appeared as if he was relieved to talk about the issue of a love life that haunted him.

As I listened, I swallowed the lump in my throat. Paulsen’s countenance lit up with a broad smile when he looked across the room to watch the Captain at the Vitals desk. They are both handsome men.

I smiled and completed the documentation without questions or remarks. I thanked the Sergeant for his service and wish him happiness in his life.

Paulsen found his choice for happiness and contentment. That is all that matters.