Shirley: Reflections on Me

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Abstract

all I could be. Hell, I never even thought about who that was.What I’m looking at here doesn’t reflect who I am inside. I’m still that young person who wants to try new things and experience the things I love… only now I don’t give a flying toss what people think anymore; if they don’t like my way of doing things, they know where the door is. The shame is I really liked some of those folks…but they don’t get to judge me, not anymore.You know what’s really sad though… I’d better not keep dwelling on it actually. There are things I love that I’ll never do again. I know it. It’s not because I’m old but it’s like a river isn’t it, I don’t get to wade in the same spot in the river, what I lapped up and couldn’t get enough of in 1994, wouldn’t even work now. I know it, I don’t like it, but I know it.So what am I meant to do about this text? I know what I would have done 20 years ago, only I wouldn’t because I was such a coward. But what do I do now? Kirsty sent this… she knew

Options

it’d be like a bomb going off. “Do I remember Maxwell Pollock?” Hah, do I …do I ever?!I swore I’d never let anything like that happen again. Maxwell liked me, we got on well… but it wasn’t enough for me…… I had a crush from hell and the weight of those unrequited feelings almost broke me. All I remember is the desperation and the shame. And he knew how I felt… but chose my friend anyway. It took me years to get over that…years! And here he is asking for “the old gang” to meet as if that never happened!But do you know what…… lines around my eyes and turkey necks aside, I LIKE my life now. I’ve got an amazing family and my business is going well. I let that poison turn into gold. I worked through it all. I made the best of the cards I was dealt. I could have let that time overwhelm me, I almost did, but you know what, I’m going to meet him… and say thank you, yes THANK YOU for turning me down, although I wish I had more time here. I reckon I played my hand pretty well.</article></body>

A Monologue

Maybe I need a different light bulb? Mind you if it was any brighter I couldn’t deny it any longer.. my brow is so low I l just look angry all the time, well at least mildly irritated. The turkey neck is getting ready for Christmas, it looks like. I can still see the pretty woman I used to be… but did I think I was amazing at the time? Nah of course not. . OF COURSE NOT! I whined I worried, I stressed myself out about what others saw when they looked at me. I didn’t go out because I had a spot on my face… and thought that to everyone nearby it could be seen from outer space, that it had its own pulse. There are so many things I didn’t even think I had the right to do, or want, or feel because I was, you know, less than perfect… far less actually. I felt I didn’t deserve to be all I could be. Hell, I never even thought about who that was.

What I’m looking at here doesn’t reflect who I am inside. I’m still that young person who wants to try new things and experience the things I love… only now I don’t give a flying toss what people think anymore; if they don’t like my way of doing things, they know where the door is. The shame is I really liked some of those folks…but they don’t get to judge me, not anymore.

You know what’s really sad though… I’d better not keep dwelling on it actually. There are things I love that I’ll never do again. I know it. It’s not because I’m old but it’s like a river isn’t it, I don’t get to wade in the same spot in the river, what I lapped up and couldn’t get enough of in 1994, wouldn’t even work now. I know it, I don’t like it, but I know it.

So what am I meant to do about this text? I know what I would have done 20 years ago, only I wouldn’t because I was such a coward. But what do I do now? Kirsty sent this… she knew it’d be like a bomb going off. “Do I remember Maxwell Pollock?” Hah, do I …do I ever?!

I swore I’d never let anything like that happen again. Maxwell liked me, we got on well… but it wasn’t enough for me…… I had a crush from hell and the weight of those unrequited feelings almost broke me. All I remember is the desperation and the shame. And he knew how I felt… but chose my friend anyway. It took me years to get over that…years! And here he is asking for “the old gang” to meet as if that never happened!

But do you know what…… lines around my eyes and turkey necks aside, I LIKE my life now. I’ve got an amazing family and my business is going well. I let that poison turn into gold. I worked through it all. I made the best of the cards I was dealt. I could have let that time overwhelm me, I almost did, but you know what, I’m going to meet him… and say thank you, yes THANK YOU for turning me down, although I wish I had more time here. I reckon I played my hand pretty well.