Shhhh, I Broke the EKG Machine

Personal statement for undergraduate admission to Vassar, circa 2013.

It was my second week, I was fidgety and the patient was irritable. One of the clip-ons broke when I tried to pin it onto the Welch Allyn electrodes. I don’t like clichés, but the rest as they say, is history.

The patient inquired, not too kindly, what the delay was all about. I fed him the ‘we’re experiencing technical difficulties’ line, which came out all wrong. I’m terrible at lying. While he drummer his fingers on the white bed sheets, I made an opportunity cost analysis. If I went ahead with the EKG, he’d probably be referred to cardiologists, if I worked up the nerve to tell the doctor, I would probably be asked to shut the door after me when I left. By this time, my throat had become unnaturally dry, and the puffy red figure lying on the bed was getting ready to explode.

One of my still functioning neurons told me I should tackle one problem at a time. So I told the patient the procedure wasn’t working because his chest was too hairy. In my defense, I said so with a straight face. He looked lividly at me, then down at himself and realized I might be speaking the truth. So I handed him a Bic one time razor and pointed the way to the restroom.

Alone in the procedure room, I now flipped open my laptop and sought answers. Google told me everything anyone can know about electrocardiograms but nothing on old fashioned fix-it-yourself. I had little time before the patient came back, and I didn’t want to tell him he had shaved his chest for nothing. So I went freestyle- yanking out the broken clip I threw it into the garbage. Next I pulled out a clip from a non-functional EKG machine gathering dust in the store room. Using common sense and color coding, I connected the wires of the two together; and before my patient came back I had successfully restored the machine to working condition. Not flawless, but refurbished as best as possible. A test run dispelled any remaining doubts- it seemed to work better now than before. Showtime.

Sir are you done? Thank you for taking the trouble. Please lie down straight, breathe normally, hands by your side no jewelry I’ll keep the watch this is a painless procedure.

I talked to him while I put the electrodes on again; I made him laugh while I entered information into the machine and breathed a sigh of relief when the electrocardiogram came out normal. I smiled as the doctor yelled at me for being slow and lazy, and fist pumped the air when the patient finally walked out of the chamber. It’s not every day you break an EKG machine and get away with it. Shhhh, don’t tell the doctor.